Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "I am not a f***ing disposable sex toy."

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It is 1.15am, and Jesse smiling through a vlog about how he just lost his sh*t. There's a mismatch of moods here and I simply must know more.

Several cast members had been at the pub and Jesse tells us he quickly became suspicious of Adam and Claire, on account of some "leaning in" and "touching", before they went outside together and Claire disappeared.

OOOOOOH WE HAVE A CHEATING SCANDAL BREWING.

FINALLY SOME DRAMA THAT IS NOT JUST HARRISON RECITING GASLIGHTING TERMS HE READ ON THE INTERNET.

"SO MUCH BETRAYAL."

Jesse claims he was home when Claire arrived, on the phone to someone with a very 'Adam laugh', and that quickly hung up when she realised he was there.

SUSPICIOUS.

He charged up to Adam and Janelle's door, demanding Adam show him his phone. Adam did not oblige, so Jesse called him a snake and stormed off.

Cool! Chill! Normal!

The next day, everyone is gossiping about the commotion, while Claire confronts Jesse.

He says he cannot deliver an apology even though he KNOWS she deserves one, because... honestly at this point I'm finding his exact reasoning hard to follow. He won't apologise because she hasn't asked WHY he was toxic and I feel like MAYBE YOU COULD INCLUDE THAT AS PART OF THE APOLOGY, DUDE.

Heck! Yesterday's confession letter redemption arc was short-lived, wasn't it?! I almost fell for it! How embarrassing!

Begging this man to listen to Anti-Hero.

Jesse says he can't do this anymore, not because of Claire but because of both of them(?), and leaves to a new apartment.

He says Claire lacks empathy and LITERALLY HOW? I feel like we've seen almost nothing but empathy from Claire. She has tried so many times even though he has not at all deserved it.

But also, DID THEY CHEAT Y/N?

You know a MAFS relationship is REALLY BAD when we simply brush over a potential CHEATING SCANDAL. Remember when those were the pinnacle of each season? 

In another apartment, Josh tells Melissa her preference for crunchy peanut butter is a red flag and no, I won't be photoshopping her head onto a flag pole for that one. 

They discuss their bread preferences and it leads to some truly shocking revelations.

Yeah, I reckon we would.

(I won't even touch on the shirt, it's too easy.)

The experts are here with some more carefully designed exercises to deepen destroy these relationships. Starting with... John Aiken-sanctioned snooping on each other's phones.

It's astounding how badly these TV relationships go, considering the extremely healthy tasks they are given by alleged relationship experts.

Alyssa and Duncan go through their messages together, and they're full of wholesomeness. Good for them but WE HAVE AN ALLEGED CHEATING SCANDAL TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR WHOLESOMENESS.

Unsurprisingly, Adam is less keen on the whole thing, telling Janelle she can look through his phone if she wants but he absolutely feels no need to look at hers.

This positions her as needy and paranoid if she does, so she... chooses not to. In the name of trust.

Well played, Adam. 

Maybe he wants to cover up cheating, but maybe he's also just embarrassed cause he's into NFTs and Janelle might see how much he spent on an image of a cartoon monkey.

They rip up the challenge details and I should be mad because *AHEM* WHAT ABOUT THE CHEATING???????? But with this action it feels like they're also ripping up the hopes and dreams of one John 'allegedly an expert' Aiken. And that brings me a lot of joy.

Plus, we are only two weeks into this show. There's got to be plenty for cheating to come.

If you listen carefully, you can hear to sound of John's tears.

Speaking of! 

It's time to catch up with Shannon, who has openly admitted to still being in love with his ex and taking her phone calls while fake married to darling Caitlin.

He admits to keeping his ex "on the fence" just in case his fake marriage on a TV show infamous for its failed relationships didn't work out and that's exactly what Harrison did but WORSE.

Because Shannon has feelings for this woman and Harrison, as an AI-generated red flag, is unable to feel anything.

IT'S TIME:

*DJ Khaled voice* ANOTHER ONE.

Josh and Melissa are given the confession letter task and Josh jumps at the opportunity to have a deeper conversation that's not about peanut butter or Thor's hammer.

He reveals he felt really lost and lonely after his divorce.

I don't think Mel was even listening.

Makes sense, she's preoccupied.

Instead of acknowledging anything he said, she dives straight into her letter about how important sex is to her after a loveless and sexless marriage. 

Josh is concerned that sex is all Melissa seems to want to talk about, because sex is great but so is connecting on literally any other level.

At this point, I think the only way he will be able to get through to her on this is to yell, "THOR IS SO MUCH MORE THAN HIS HAMMER", but instead he keeps just looking... like this:

OH DARL.

Cameron and Lyndall are still going well, in case anyone was wondering, and Melinda has shrunk her clothes in the dryer. That's the extent of their contribution to the episode. Thank you for your service.

Josh and Melissa watch footage of their first impressions, which involves the words "freak in the sheets", "big hammer", and "sized him up".

Josh calls it "a lot", before saying that it's made him feel like he's just seen as a "sex object".

I just keep thinking about those Toy Story pajamas and how I never, in a million (Buzz Light)years (sorry), could've foreseen us ending up... here.

It's time to check in with Bronte and Harrison, who I was desperately hoping we could just forget existed. But nope! 

They've been living in separate apartments, which was Harrison's choice that he manipulated Bronte into believing was her choice. Now, Bronte is willing to give things a second 12th chance.

There's no point yelling WHY? because the answer is simply that more episodes are required to build a following who will click on affiliate links. 

Sacrifices must be made in the name of influencing.

Unfortunately for absolutely all of us, this means... more Harrison.

He moves back in and it's going to be fun to see how he communicates when he can't throw "but you told me you wanted space!" in her face. (I'm lying, it's not going to be fun).

"I can't wait for you to hurt my feelings by telling me I hurt your feelings."

We check in with Claire and Jesse, who are each complaining that the other is bad at communication. 

It's silly because only one of them is actually bad at communication. 

They consider how the experts may help their relationship and I don't think that's the lifeline they think it is.

"At the end of the day I still just hate women speaking."

Ooooh! Important news! 

The experts have come up with a brand new Confessions Week task, and by 'come up with' I mean 'did a quick Google and then went to the pub'. It's essentially a five-year plan, with the goal of... causing fights. Presumably.

Sandy and Dan's lists are pretty aligned, and they don't fight once. Good for them.

Melissa and Josh, however, are definitely about to fight. About sex. Again.

Melissa lists 'healthy sex life' as an important facet of her five-year plan, while Josh does not.

She wonders if Josh came on the show to find a roommate or a friend, because "if I'm not having sex with you, I don't feel like I get anything else from you".

"PE-NIS."

GOODNESS.

"I didn't come here, to meet someone, to just f*** them all the time," Josh counters.

Surely that is an early contender for the quote of the season. 

Oh wait. No.

THIS IS:

"What do I do for a job?" he asks her.

AND MELISSA. DOES. NOT. KNOW.

"Do you know the reason why she doesn't know anything about me is because she's never asked?" he continues.

I'm SHOOK.

Call me crazy, but I don't think 'asking your new fake partner about themselves' and 'having good sex' are mutually exclusive. However, these two are determined to follow this bizarre binary, with Melissa taking sex off the table for a week to see what Josh can offer her without it.

It feels extremely insulting to every single part of him. Except his... hammer.

They conclude with the words "good chat", which are the universal sign that something was not, in fact, a good chat.

Can you believe we began on a cheating scandal, and we ended in a sex ban.

Say what you want about MAFS, but the show's got range.

SEE YOU SUNDAY.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two red flags walk into a dinner party.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: This is what GASLIGHTING looks like.

Feature Image: Channel Nine.