Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: There’s one thing you don’t bring on a honeymoon.

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The newly (fake) married couples are off on their honeymoons.

Michael, Stephen and their awkward 'John Aiken's second choice' elephant in the room are heading to Tasmania. And Mash — which is now Madeleine and Ash's official nickname because I will do whatever Lucinda Light tells me to do — are going to... NSW's South Coast.

Someone in finance made that decision.

Back in the apartments, Cass and Tristan still have not got their sh*t together. 

CHECK THE DAY SPAS. CHECK THE SALONS. CHECK THE RESORTS.

WE NEED JOHN AIKEN HERE, STAT.

So sorry to inconvenience you 

Meanwhile, the couples who didn't get to meet Mash and their pet ghost yesterday are off to our next intruder wedding.

The final groom is Ridge, a psych nurse who is ready to put an end to his f***boy bachelor lifestyle.

Of all the things in the world, like being rejected or having someone bring their ghosts to his wedding, he is most worried about whether he'll think his bride is hot or not.

He has been matched with Jade, who has an eight-year-old daughter V. When V was only a month old, her partner cheated on her with her best friend. 

Oh good, something wholesome for her to bond with Eden (BUT DEFINITELY NOT JAYDEN) over.

On the day of the wedding, Ridge and his two groomsmen school us all in their sophisticated use of the English language.

It's actually bordering on indeeeeeece

Jade says her main concern is if her new fake husband is too cocky. So Ridge arrives at the venue as his voiceover says: "I feel like my wife's first question is going to be, 'I got lucky here.'"

BUDDY THAT ISN'T A QUESTION.

His voiceover also says "I'm not going to get hard for a personality" and I just threw up in my mouth a little!

Thankfully, when he sees her he reckons she's "deeeeeece" with a "tidy rig".

I can't.

Jade's vows are cute and Ridge's are... something.

"What I aim to provide more than anything is safety and security in our relationship..."

"Oh that's so nice-"

"... because I know you girls love that stuff."

"-ah lol get f***ed."

He then instructs all his mates in the audience to give a "deeeeeece" chant and I've never been more turned off IN. MY. LIFE.

Every single person on Jade's side hates it too.

He turns it around at the end by saying while he likes to have a laugh, he is very serious about the experiment and wants to fully commit to their new fake marriage. But more crucially, he does not say "deeeeeece" again.

Actually, you know what? I'll allow "deeeeeece", only when yelled by the other couples, but especially Richard, in a mocking way.

Jade and Ride's reception is very awkward at first because Ridge and his mates are... annoying, and Ridge keeps calling Jade "the old bird". 

The cuts to Jayden's judgemental face bring me joy.

Unabashedly enjoying the cringe

Jade is quite rightly concerned about Ridge's maturity levels.

Children naturally come up in their conversation, which is when she tells him about her daughter. After requesting another drink — surely spliced in with some creative editing — Ridge responds really wonderfully (and maturely!) and says he can't wait to meet her.

As long as he doesn't teach her child "deeeeeece", I think all is well here.

For now.

ALL IS NOT WELL ELSEWHERE.

John Aiken has had to wipe off the face mask and put a suit on mid-week, and he is power-walking down the halls of the couple's apartment building.

Come on John, it's for the greater good of the series and it's incredibly low success rate!

He heard my intervention calls and is here for an emergency chat with Cass and Tristan.

Tristan answers the door and sees his entire life flash before his eyes.

H E L P

John Aiken says Cass reached out and asked him to visit. No, John, you cannot send her the bill for your spa cancellation fee!

Cass says she has been really patient with Tristan but she feels like just a friend right now and is over trying to get him to touch her. Tristan says he wants to be affectionate but finds it too nerve-racking.

John's like THAT'S GREAT NEWS ACTUALLY.

Because at least they like each other? And want to make things better? Unlike those other couples he's expertly matched in the past who have hated every fibre of each other's beings.

Small mercies, etc.

He tells them to create daily rituals, like getting coffee or going for a daily walk. And hopefully, soon they'll hold each other's hand while doing it.

Tristan says Cass' need for intimacy has finally clicked for him, he also WANTS to do it, and plans to be more snuggly. He's happy. Cass is happy. John is wondering if he could still squeeze in a massage.

LOOK AT THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT TRISTAN OH I ADORE THEM

The morning after their wedding day, we check in with Jade and Ridge briefly, only so he can say many other women would've loved to have married him and Jade is very lucky.

Okay cool.

Meanwhile, Stephen and Michael are chilling under a blanket because they have been sent to Tasmania in August.

Stephen says he got really in his head about Michael having a previous match. 

Michael says everything happens for a reason and he wouldn't want to be there with anyone else. This is good because I think at this point in time his original match Simon had runaway to Europe for a lovely, warm holiday.

Meanwhile, Mash and their ghost friends have arrived on NSW's South Coast where they're having lunch in a place Madeleine describes multiple times as "sexy".

"That's SO nice!"

Madeleine thanks Ash for accepting her and "being there" throughout their 24 hours of knowing each other so far.

Ash also feels their connection build, and it's all very nice. But I think the ghosts are about to come and f*** it up.

OOP.

Ridge and Jade did the damn thing last night.

It is very subtly revealed. Ridge telling Jade she was "glowing" 30 different times wasn't suspicious. I'm surprised anyone picked up on it at all.

A producer asks Jade, and she says, verbatim: "If you're asking if we banged, we did."

I tried to give her a cute glow and it ended up looking radioactive, Jade sweetie I'm so sorry

She admits that she still doesn't know WTF Ridge is talking about a lot of the time, but he just earnestly used the word "rizz" so perhaps it is for the best.

Also, Stephen's gotten over his fears of feeling second best.

They just threw that in for balance, because now we're watching Madeleine cry in front of cows. 

She ate a steak yesterday and I think maybe the ghost of that specific cow is now telling her she's a horrible person.

"NO I ATE YOUR COUSIN"

She starts sobbing in a piece-to-camera and yells "WHY AM I SO F***ING ANNOYING".

The cows do not want to get close to her, which she takes as a personal insult and also as a gateway into veganism. I'd like to know if these are the first cows she's ever seen. Has she never made the cow-to-steak connection before? Is it just the cow ghost factor?

Ash is also confused.

You know who isn't? Michael and Stephen. They're very, very sure that they need to excavate their hotel bathroom and ship it everywhere they go.

Good for them but surely I'm not the only one screaming at my screen TO GET BACK TO MASH AND THEIR GHOSTS.

They're out for dinner — legumes and broccoli, I presume —and in a second, it shifts from strange but wholesome to... just strange.

Ash is asking Madeleine how she's feeling about meeting the other couples/going to dinner parties/watching Timothy and Tori yell at each other. But she's... listening to the spirits. I think.

Take this as a lesson that you really, really should not bring ghosts on your honeymoon.

"Did you go to a deb ball?" she asks him.

AND HE F***ING DID.

Did a ghost tell her or did she just stalk him on Facebook?

She asks what happened at the ball. Ash says he danced. But she wants to know if something bad happened. He says it didn't. She says it probably did.

Then the ghosts start yapping again.

I imagine there is nothing more humbling than realising that ghosts are talking sh*t about you

She says he's "so protected", she loves him(???????) and she's sorry that she suggested something bad happened at his debutant ball 17 years ago.

"Blessings on you, blessings on you, blessings on you, Ashley."

I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

I'M SPEECHLESS.

ACTUALLY, NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT WHETHER THE GHOSTS WILL WANT TO TALK SH*T ABOUT JACK OR NOT. BECAUSE IF THEY DO, I WILL ABSOLUTELY GET ON BOARD.

Madeleine says the ghosts — her guy, AND his guy!!! Ash has a ghost friend too?! — are telling her things about him.

She tells them to go away, far too late to be honest, then promises to never do it again. She excuses herself to the bathroom, and once again yells about how she's a weirdo.

On the bright side, at least Ash enjoyed his meat-free meal.

See you (AND THE GHOSTS) tomorrow.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

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• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A bride brings ghosts to her wedding.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.