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Tonight's episode is being sold as "the wildest weather in MAFS history" and I don't know about that, I for one will unfortunately never forget Hurricane Harrison. But let's see.
We open on darling Cass and darling Tristan enjoying their honeymoon in South Australia. Meanwhile, Nine used the exxy Fijian holiday on Sara and Tim... who are not... speaking.
Cool.
After each taking dips in separate bodies of water, they chat it out.
Tim says he's sorry for saying what he said and then saying he did not say what he said. And Sara takes responsibility for acting badly when he said what he said and then said he did not say what he said.
They hug it out so all is well, for the next 20 minutes at least.
Tonight's marriage involves a man named Timothy.
Could they not leave an episode between the introduction of Tim and Timothy? I'm already drowning in new names, this is so confusing!
Timothy describes himself with car metaphors and has had the Tin Man tattooed on him because he is so guarded.
He says his dad, the last remaining member of his family, died SIX WEEKS AGO. That's devastating, and probably not ideal conditions for heading into a very intense, very dramatic reality TV experience!!!!
On the bright side, he has been matched with Australia's newest hero, Lucinda Light.
She is terrified of sharing a toilet with a partner, and precisely nothing else.
She dances on beaches, sings about love, and recites a rhyming poem about what she wants in a partner: "earthy and grounded, with a high-functioning erection," she concludes.
She has said "high-functioning erection" two episodes in a row and yes, she is already one of this show's greatest icons.
Mel says she is the Dorothy to Timothy's Tin Man and I've never been as tickled by anything as she is by that line.
Next we meet Jack, and I have to check my notes to confirm that he is not in fact Jayden.
Look. Whatever. I can work with two Tims, but two similar-looking tattooed man buns that spend their lives in the gym?! Is this some sick joke?!
Jack says he is "very sexually active", "a dominant lover" and usually attracted to "the submissive type".
We should all know less about each other.
He has been matched with Range Rover-loving Tori, who is the least "submissive type" possible.
Her mum is pretty iconic. "What's the worst that could happen?" she says of her daughter's impending marriage to a stranger. I guess she didn't watch the season with the... toothbrush.
We are encouraged to believe Tori and Jack are in fact a perfect match, because they both have very well-organised drawers, care about the height of their socks and ummmm, like sex.
No word yet on if the socks and sex thing go hand-in-hand or not.
Elsewhere, Timothy's best man is giving some sage words of advice to his buddy, and also preparing him for the car crash of a speech he's prepped for the reception. Just kidding. It appears that this particular best man is not The Actual Worst.
But, uh oh, Timothy hates meditation. And this is his future fake wife:
"To marry a stranger is such a historical and ancient thing to do," she says.
.........I just ripped out my headphones and proclaimed this to the entire Mamamia office. She's factually correct and also profound. It's magical. If she started a cult, I would be very susceptible.
Before the wedding can begin, Timothy has to walk 300 kilometres to the alter.
We then have to wait a further 12 days for Lucinda Light, in heels, to float her way down the large patch of grass.
When she finally arrives, one of my favourite MAFS tropes begins: the use of truly unhinged musical choices, like Tchaikovsky's music from The Nutcracker in this case, to tell us a moment is fun and quirky.
Incredible.
Then they conduct a smoke ceremony and Timothy admits to feeling uncomfortable at the waving around of a "chicken wing".
"I was wondering, 'where did they get the wing from?' Was it a sacrificial chicken or did you just find that wing?" he asks. There is also a line about an "energetic womb" and now it has me spiralling about whether my uterus is tired.
I fear we do not want the answers to any of these questions.
Though he is really protesting this spiritual stuff, Timothy taps into the energy of the Gods and/or producers with one line: "I was waiting for something to fall from the sky and hit me."
The heavens open up and everyone acts like this is the first time in documented history that clouds have leaked water.
Everyone is sheltering in a very fancy-looking tent, speaking of blankets and misery, while Lucinda Light is LIVING.
"It's just been a blast off of elemental energy," she says. "It's rugged, it's raw, it's real."
The sun returns so she can deliver really lovely vows and Timothy, once again, can claim he is an anthropomorphic car.
We meet our next legend: Jack's mum.
A producer asks her what Jack's new bride might not like about him, to which she replies "tuna and rice".
A perfectly delivered roast.
Jack and Tori's wedding goes fine. I would've loved to have just watched five more minutes of their mum's yarning, though. Mothers In Law At First Sight, when?
Then Jack says he reckons he can "sort her out" regarding Tori's independence, says he wants to play the "dominant role" and reckons "she's gonna be a good girl".
ICKKKKKKKKKKK.
Bring! Back! The! Mums!
At the reception, Tori points out all her friends and family, while Jack points out all his, uh, clients.
Tori's bestie's side-eye is greater than any words I could possibly come up with.
Timothy finds their wedding photoshoot to be really awkward, but Lucinda Light has found nothing awkward in her life. She is loving "taking in his quintessence".
They take a moment together before the reception, where Timothy shares with her that all of his family have died.
QUICK!!!!!!!
TISSUES!!!!!!!!!
Wait. Momentarily wipe your eyes, because Chicken Wing Lady is asking Timothy if he likes birds.
She wants him to take the wings of two dead magpies and also a whole dead crow she has chilling out (sorry) in her freezer.
It's a high bar, but that might just be the most out-of-pocket sentence I've ever had to write.
Timothy gives a seriously heart-wrenching speech about his lack of surviving family.
"The night that I found out dad had passed away, I walked around my suburb all night reflecting on life and love and everything, and I realised I was alone."
Oh.
No.
We are all puddles of tears, right?
All of Lucinda's guests are so kind after this revelation (her dad! Aw!), and he is genuinely touched by it all.
Anyway, I'm declaring myself head of their fan club!!!! Come join!!!!
First point of order: Timcinda or Luothy?
Meanwhile, Tori's bestie Leah reckons the fact that Jack's only wedding guests are people who pay him is an "orange flag".
And Jack is telling his friends clients that he finds it weird that Tori hasn't asked him anything about the gym.
Oh.
He also tells his parents it is cool that Tori is younger than him because it means he can "lead" her, as Leah wonders out loud if he might have some kind of "misogynistic thing" going on.
Lucinda and Timothy wake up the next day just as cute as they were the night before and get ready to head to Port Stephens for their honeymoon.
Elsewhere, Jack and Tori have talked all night long — I hope she did not ask him about his gym even once — and enjoy the beginnings of their trip to Vanuatu.
Jack spends his time swinging like Tarzan into the pool, and Tori spends her time enjoying the view of him swinging like Tarzan into the pool.
Jack allegedly feels no sexual spark, despite them making out intensely and giving Tori precisely zero chance to build on an initial connection.
It's classic MAFS darkness. Thank goodness for the (Lucinda) Light.
See you tomorrow night.
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Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
Feature image: Nine.
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