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We open on a shot of Kate - a woman who mistakenly had high hopes for this experiment - fast asleep. She's dreaming of a world where she didn't just get married to a man who illegally smuggled chicken twisties into their wedding.
But she's being watched.
By her strange new husband, yes, but also by a camera crew who appear to have been there all night.
Pls let it all be a bad dream.
Matt seems to be getting the serial killer edit which we haven't seen for a while, and once Kate opens her eyes, he strokes her. Gently. Before softly trying to wake her up.
Sir. No one wants to be awoken by a 39-year-old man whispering “wakey wakey” and we need you to understand that.
"She’s a very sexy woman," he tells the camera and no. Nope. Nup. Nada. Nein. Non. We don't like it.
Over in Carolina and Dion's room, Dion remarks that yesterday was a long day, but that's only because you had to wait at the altar for three hours while Carolina perfected her bronzer. So.
'When asked what I wanted in a bride I said: a subtle contour.'
Meanwhile, Domenica and Jack have spent the night apart ever since Domenica went to a wedding and performed a stand up routine called 'All The Ways In Which Jack Is S**t'.
Jack tries to explain that it’s embarrassing when she tells everyone he forgot to flush the toilet because it was an accident. And he doesn't want all his friends to know he does smelly poos. Domenica understands and apologises and THIS ISN'T THE REALITY OF NORMAL ADULT RELATIONSHIPS WHAT DOES THIS SHOW DO TO PEOPLE.
It's time for the experts to match their final couple: Jessica and Daniel. We learn that Daniel's older brother took his own life at 21 and that's some really heavy trauma that no one on this program is qualified to deal with.
Daniel asks his niece who she thinks he’ll be matched with and she says, "someone who maybe works at a watch store," and honey do you mean a retail worker? Because if so we need you to know that Tamara will physically and verbally assault her.
'We have another bride who openly discriminates against retail workers.'
It turns out Jessica really is a retail assistant and Tamara is going to be so mad.
That must be why Tamara wasn’t invited to their wedding. Because producers were worried she might spit on the bride.
John Aiken explains to the other experts that Jessica and Daniel just need to "find their connection". And if they do, they’ll have a "real chance". And if that isn’t a ringing endorsement of how sure these experts are they’ve got it right… why are none of you better at this yet, you’ve had nine seasons of practising.
Meanwhile, no one has ever been more distressed about anything than Kate is about marrying Matt.
When they arrive on their honeymoon Matt’s all like "KAAAATE. Kate it’s warm. Kate. Are you happy Kate? I feel like I’m in The Notebook. Kate. You wanna go on the boat?? Over there? Even though it’s raining?? Kate?" and, yeah. Kate is every woman in her late 30s spending a prolonged period of time with a man and wondering why the f**k she ever wanted to get married when men are literally like this.
"I'm going to need you to calm the f*ck down."
Kate has taken to looking physically unwell, at which point Matt thinks it’s probably time for a swim.
But Matt doesn’t swim.
He exclusively says "suns out guns out" and bombs into small bodies of water, upsetting all the other guests.
He splashes about like a seven-year-old and Sir, may we suggest wading, sensibly? Perhaps?
??
?????
???????
On Dion and Carolina’s honeymoon, they’re bonding over a platter of oysters.
"You know they’re an aphrodisiac," Dion says and the Venn diagram between a) people who remind you oysters are an aphrodisiac and b) property developers is a perfect circle. Fight us.
Suddenly, the honeymoon box arrives and dear God John Aiken these two people just met. Leave them be.
I don't know anything about you. But I will comment on your physical appearance, probably.
The first question is, "Am I attracted to you, am I your usual type?" and you’d never believe it but the woman who spent three hours on her cheek contour has high standards when it comes to appearance.
"I don’t think I’m attracted to you yet," she says to Dion who appears to take it relatively well.
Until.
Dion goes to the bathroom, and a producer asks Carolina if she thinks Dion is "good looking enough" for her.
"Do I think Dion’s good looking enough for me?" she laughs. "Do you think Dion’s good looking enough for me?" and omg the producer has just pissed himself with excitement.
U SHOULD TELL HIM UR TOO HOT 4 HIM
That’s when Carolina starts answering questions that weren’t even in the honeymoon box/no one asked.
When Dion returns from the toilet Carolina says, "I’m going to tell you honey… and the producers are going to be mad because the cameras aren’t rolling..." and oh sweetie the cameras are absolutely rolling.
She says, out loud, with her words, that women probably just pretend to be attracted to Dion. For his money. And lady what the f**k?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
"Do you think you’re THAT hot..." she says, "that people CAN'T be attracted to you at first?" and DUDE. The question box has been REMOVED. Stop SAYING things.
Over at Jessica and Daniel’s wedding they’re reflecting on their day. And no offence but all you’ve done is got married and then had dinner? What’s to say??
"When I have my real life wedding," Jessica says, "it’s going to be so much more practical", and omg you’re not meant to talk about real weddings when the producers for your fake wedding are right... there.
Daniel storms off and starts to spiral. "What is this then? Fake?" he asks the camera and oh goodness we have terrible news.
Wtf?
(Yes. It is).
Eventually they make up outside a barn (??) and with all due respect someone needs to fix the lighting at this wedding because we can’t see shit.
Who even are either of you? What are your facial features?
The next day Daniel and Jessica are sent off on their honeymoon where the honesty box pops up and no have these two adults not been through enough in their short lives?
Unsurprisingly, the question about 'attraction' unravels their entire relationship.
"I’m not going to say you’re my dream girl," Daniel says and sorry we missed the part where that was the question.
That’s when Jessica somehow ends up with a ‘free question’ and asks: "If you could change something about me, physically or personality wise, what would it be?" Then she clarifies: "Actually, let’s say physically."
AND LET’S NOT, JESSICA. LET’S NOT.
Literally. Try.
But Jessica is enjoying this game. It’s fun and there are no winners. Only losers. Hehe.
Daniel hesitates, suspecting this might just be a trick question.
THIS IS ABSOLUTELY A TRICK QUESTION DANIEL. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, ANSWER IT.
But Jessica. Likes. This. Fun. Game.
She laughs. She tells him that, in fact, him refusing to answer, is also an answer. Because there are clearly things he’d change. That would be hurtful to her.
'How is our marriage already destroyed.'
Yeah Daniel, try and wriggle your way out of that one hehe.
Daniel’s brain explodes because he has been ingeniously trapped by a woman who keeps smiling at him.
"You couldn’t script this s**t," he mumbles, and no you couldn’t that’s why this is the best show on television and we yell that at anyone who will listen.
Backed into a corner, he stops speaking.
That night they sleep separately. Which is fine. Until Daniel wakes up to hear Jessica loudly bitching about him on the phone to someone and that’s why we text, Jessica. Long. Paragraphs. Of. Text.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.
Read our previous recaps here:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 13: A burning question for Brent and Tamara.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 11: Andrew needs to be stopped.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 10: The couple that can't stop fighting about sex.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 8: A messed up conversation about race.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 7: Sir. You did not just talk about pegging.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 6: We need to talk about Selin.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."
Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.
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