Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden did WHAT with WHOM in front of WHOMST??????

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Everyone is moving into the brand, spanking new MAFS apartments, which means we must sit through a three-minute ad for the building first.

It offers a fancy pool but most importantly, two bathrooms in the rooms.

As everyone gets settled in, Lauren salivates over KFC and then gets right into the drama from last night's dinner party. 

I respect her priorities.

She still thinks Jack is full of sh*t, while Tori and Jack discuss how well it all went.

Of Lauren, he says he did not appreciate her "quacking on the other side of the table" and says he could not be married to her. Tori says that kind of thing is why she hates being in a group of girls and oh- that's not- that's not great.

She reckons she and Jack are the top couple in the experiment, which is hilarious but also... concerning.

ANYWAY.

IT'S CONFESSIONS WEEK.

"What does that mean" Lauren asks, pretending she has not seen every episode of this damn show.

It means the couples must spill their deepest, darkest secrets in a letter for one another, but more importantly RANK ALL THE CAST IN ORDER OF HOTNESS. 

The weddings are fine, the dinner parties are fun, and the commitment ceremonies are highly entertaining, but boy oh boy, this right here is the true magic of MAFS.

It's so, so delightfully unhinged, and each year, someone f***s it up. Even though it is just SO EASY NOT TO F*** IT UP.

But first, Eden and Jayden write their letters. And Jayden has a bombshell.

"Dear Eden, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me-"

OH.

STRAIGHT INTO IT.

Then... hold up. 

What?

He told his ex he'd give her another chance if SHE AGREED TO LET HIM SLEEP WITH ONE OF HER FRIENDS WHILE SHE WATCHED.

AND SHE DID.

AND HE DID IT.

AND HE DOES NOT REGRET IT.

Eden is shook and upset, and goes to Sara to talk it out. Sara's just like "that's really f***ing weird" and she's 100 per cent correct.

At once, I have so many questions to ask (who/what/where/when/why, just to kick it off), and never want to hear another word on this ever again.

The narrator says we're in for another shock, but it is just Natalie returning after leaving last night. 

Love that for her, etc, but following a "I got back at my cheating girlfriend by f***ing her friend while she watched" revelation IT REALLY ISN'T THAT WILD.

Nat is reunited with Collins, who is conveniently in their apartment already and not at work/mulling over how to get brand deals with a measely 2000 followers.

Collins is... I ACTUALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MAN IS FEELING BECAUSE ALL HE DOES IS CLAP HIS HANDS, SAY "WOW" AND LAUGH.

IT'S VERY CONFUSING AND DOES NOT FEEL GENUINE AT ALL.

Nat tells him she's keen to take it 'day-by-day', which is lucky because all Collins can say is that it... has been... a day.

I think it is going to work out well

Next up, Lauren and Jonathan are instructed to trade phones, because who needs trust and boundaries!

They both fly through the task, as Lauren's phone contains nothing but messages from KFC, and Jonathan's only correspondence is with cab charge.

Tori and Jack go next.

And I reckon Jack will have more to answer for than his overuse of taxis.

His camera roll looks like this:

Oh no no no no no

She also finds a photo of Jack proposing to his ex and says it makes her want to stick "sharpened spoons" in her eyes. Knives would be a simpler option but sure, sure. 

"This hasn't made me trust Jack any less," she says, "but it is like, a bit icky."

Almost as icky as the 200 gym selfies.

Down the hall, Richard and Andrea celebrate their one-week fake wedding anniversary. Congrats, you crazy kids!

They too swap phones, and Richard reads a message from his ex, who is now a close friend. She told him off for calling her sweetie when he signed off a phone call yesterday. Andrea loves this and thinks the fact that she and Richard are still close says a lot about his character.

Broadly, everyone else is going alright. Except Timothy, whose slow burn with Lucinda Light is in fact glacial pace.

He just wants to watch TV and go to sleep without having someone follow him around or ask him what his personal position on anal is. Actually, he would like to never speak about sexual desires or boundaries again, but Lucinda Light plans to chat it out every day till the end of time.

OKAY IT IS PHOTO RANKING TIME.

OTHERWISE KNOWN AS TIME FOR MANUFACTURED, COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY AND YET HIGHLY ENTERTAINING MESS-

Tbh, I'm still thinking about Jayden telling his ex he wanted to f*** her best friend while she watched and then... it actually happening. But I guess we're all on our own timelines?

Wait, actually, it is not photo ranking time.

First, Richard must dance.

Never seen anything more delightful in my LIFE

Okay, NOW it is photo ranking time.

"Through the years, the photo ranking task has proved to be one of the most confronting and uncomfortable tasks for couples," John Aiken says with a huge smile on his face.

Cass and Tristan, Sara and Tim and Ben and Ellie do it correctly, which is to rank your partner up the top no matter what. No ifs or buts about it. 

Meanwhile, Timothy just straight up refuses to do it because he doesn't really want to be a 51-year-old dude ranking women in their 20s.

Honestly, slay Timmy. 

"What it's asking me to do is fuck with the relationship," he says, proving that no one has understood an assignment more.

He places Lucinda Light's photo alone on the table: "That's my wife. We're married, and that's where it's at."

I think... I think that is Timothy being romantic. Bless him.

Graphic design is my passion!!!!!

On the flip side, Richard is having WAY TOO MUCH FUN with his ranking.

"She's pretty hot," he says, of women who are not his fake wife. "She's got a pretty hot body."

RICHARD...........

PLEASE.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you are seriously f***ing it up.

Then he must decide where Andrea sits.

It should obviously be at the top, but is he smart enough to know that..?

No.

Preach paper Andrea

Richard thinks she is completely fine with this and should, in fact, be flattered. 

But she is not completely fine with this and is not, AT ALL, flattered.

RICHARD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE.

WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU.

WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU.

See you tomorrow, for even more photo ranking challenge victims.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "He's completely full of sh*t."

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.