Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: You can't just compare your new wife to your dog.

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This episode kicks off with many important revelations.

Sara talks in her sleep, Ellie really likes eggs, Jack will neatly align his draw full of tuna cans but refuses to help Tori make the bed, and Cass is a blanket hog. That Lauren prioritises fried chicken above all else is, however, not a revelation at all.

It is still Confessions/Unnecessary Drama Courtesy of Photo Ranking Week.

Speaking of, Andrea is still upset about Richard ranking her third equal, telling him it made her feel "not as special" as she thought she was.

Richard says upsetting her makes him feel "like a right piece of sh*t", he knows he f***ed up and he plans to fix it.

OKAY GOOD.

Finally, we return to Jayden and Eden.

After, just in case this revelation did not haunt you for the past 24 hours like it has me, he revealed he told his cheating ex-girlfriend he'd give her another chance if she let him f*** her friend while she watched. And she did. And he did. And he didn't regret it one bit.

Bring back shame!

As Eden tells her why this concerns her, Jayden says he doesn't think he would do it if he was in the same situation now.

In the future, he wants to learn how to respond to situation with his head rather than with emotions.

And he thinks John Aiken et al. can help him with that.

"We have such a long history of success..?"

Natalie and Collins are being Natalie and Collins.

Collins ranks Natalie #1 during his photo ranking, because he's clearly watched an episode or two before and is not dumb.

Natalie thinks he is lying.

It is perhaps the only time someone has failed in the eyes of their fake partner by doing the thing everyone else... should do.

I'm honestly thrown for a loop.

Down the hall, Richard is apologising to Andrea with a massage gun.

I think it is working.

Yeah he's back in the good books

It's time for Ellie and Ben's Confessions Week task.

Maybe he will confess that he has two podcasts?!

They must rank key values to test their compatibility, which feels like something the experts should have done before... this.

Anyway.

Ellie ranks 'family-orientated' and 'wants children' as her top two, which Ben thinks is — and I quote — "cool".

Then Ben ranks 'good conversation' and 'healthy lifestyle' as his top two. 'Family-orientated' and 'wants children' are... pretty low-tier wants to him, actually, and he's open to not having them at all.

Much compatibility!

He says lots of people settle just for the sake of having children, which he does not want to do. Ellie says she does not want to do that either, but he keeps... talking, and she feels like he isn't listening to her when she tries to explain her position.

And then he calls her a "very sensitive woman" and says "kids are very important for FEMALES".

SOUND THE MOTHER F***ING ALARM.

RAISE THE REDDEST OF FLAGS.

Men who call adult human women "females" are scientifically proven* to be the greatest of all red flags

*it is not scientifically proven BUT IT SHOULD BE

After refusing to rank actual humans, Lucinda Light and Timothy are keen to rank values.

They each consider 'great conversation' their top value, and seem pretty compatible (although, I would like to delve deeper into Tim ranking 'sense of style' second — okay fashion king?)

Their one major difference is 'good in bed', which Lucinda Light ranks much higher in importance than Timothy, who says he's not a very sexual person.

In a piece-to-camera he recalls that she asked if he wanted to attend a four-day tantric festival in the mountains.

"So I don't want to walk around with hippies in the bush with my balls hanging out, call me old-fashioned," he says.

You know what? Above all, I am grateful for these two for their quotes. Not an episode goes by without an absolutely out-of-pocket sentence or two. 

Fair

Cass and Tristan are still chugging along pretty slowly, and Cass is feeling weird about their lack of physical intimacy so far.

In his confession letter, Tristan opens up about why he's so unwilling to make the first move: he was bullied for his weight as a child, and those feelings have continued to haunt him as an adult.

"For a long time I thought the only way a girl would love me was if I had a six-pack," he says. "When I would approach them or ask them out, they would reject me and then also laugh and make fun of me.

"It wasn't the rejection, it was the way they would laugh and make fun of me that would make me feel worthless."

Tristan stans, we ride at dawn.

We must protect him at all costs

Later, as everyone winds down for bed, Timothy has a bright idea.

He... compares Lucinda Light to his "needy" dog, Matilda.

Until this point I was a major Timothy apologist, but I can't defend that! Get it together dude!

Lucinda Light, bless her goddamn soul, is still being kind and gracious about his boundaries. An icon, a legend, I love her unconditionally etc.

The following day, I think? Idk man the timeline is all over the show, Tristan and Cass take a very candid walk through a park, cameras in tow, and after talking it out some more, they kiss.

Tristan gets immediately nervous afterwards, and it's awkward. But in a cute way. Cass is happy. Tristan is happy. We're all happy?????

LOOK AT THEMMMMMMMMM

Unsurprisingly, Lauren ranks the grooms like an absolute boss and proves herself an excellent judge of character: she thinks Ben is full of sh*t and only here for attention, and the tightness of Jack's pants causes her genuine stress.

Meanwhile, Jonathan thinks all the women are "absolutely lovely".

Lauren wants him to talk some sh*t so bad, but he just... won't because he is indeed very nice.

They each rank each other first and are happy about it. Good for them.

On the flip side, Timothy has noticed that Lucinda Light has dulled her sparkle a little, perhaps on account of him comparing her to his dog.

Take it up with your dad, Tilly!!!! (Although hello yes you are objectively very good and cute)

I do quite like that he refused to do a Confessions Week task aimed at screwing up their relationship, but managed to do it himself anyway.

Lucinda feels like he has made no effort to build on their connection and feels rejected.

So Timothy... leaves the room. Conflicted resolved, I reckon.

The other Tim, who has rocketed up my personal Tim Ranking purely because he has not compared a woman to a dog yet, has written to Sara about his truth issues.

Basically, his ex cheated on and gaslit him.

If only he'd tried to get over it by, like, idk, asking to f*** his ex's best frie- no, I can't even joke about it. It's too insane.

Sara feels like she can understand him, having had a similar experience.

But then they're told to swap phones and Sara refuses.

"I haven't given you a reason not to trust me, so what's the point?" she says, adding, while camera people stand in her current home and film her, that it feels invasive.

Tim asks if she'd be concerned about him seeing messages on her phone. She says no. To her face, he's like 'okay fine I guess I'll just trust you then'. But then he tells the camera he lied and doesn't actually trust her.

My personal Tim Ranking is confused as hell.

"How do you like them apples?"

Finally, Tori and Jack must do the photo ranking.

Before we progress, I would like clarity on the temperature in their apartment:

This combination makes no sense logistically but also fashionably

And question what Jack initially thought in the split second before Tori clarified the photos in the envelope she held were of the other brides and grooms:

WHAT OTHER PHOTOS COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE, JACK????????

Two equally important mysteries to solve, in my opinion.

Jack takes it as an opportunity to build up Tori's confidence neg.

"I am a brunette guy," he tells his blonde TV wife. 

He also says he likes long hair and big boobs. Okay? Since we're just dropping random info, I like men who dress appropriately for the weather.

He says Lauren's height, and maybe also the fact that she immediately saw through his bullsh*t, is a deal breaker for him, and he "could not kiss those older birds", referring to Lucinda Light and Andrea.

THOSE TWO WONDERFUL WOMEN WOULDN'T KISS YOU EITHER BY THE WAY!!!!!!!

Finally, it's time to place Tori, who he says is "on par with a couple of other ladies". He asks her to convince him why she's the hottest.

This is actually your task! Her task is next! And she should place your silly little photo in the bin!

Tori says she is the hottest because she has cute little ears. Jack agrees and finally places her at the top.

She tells the camera she is very confident and has no insecurities. Love that for her. 

But then she says "it would take a real arsehole" to convince her otherwise and oh... no.

I think all of Australia has news for her.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here:

• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Lucinda is the MAFS hero we need.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: One groom discovers that marrying a stranger is... a lot.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: We will not be listening to this man's podcast.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The season's most chaotic bride.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: 'He's completely full of sh*t.'
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Jayden did WHAT with WHOM in front of WHOMST?

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Feature image: Nine.

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