The Twins recap Married at First Sight: Andrew needs to be stopped.

February 15, 2022

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We open with the news that yesterday was Selina’s birthday, and Cody celebrated by not being openly racist.

He spoiled her with flowers and a cake which is lovely but unfortunately not a storyline we can actively get behind. Because Tamara and Brent are fighting. And due to frankly shocking editing, we don’t know why.

They’ve spent the night apart, which means that roughly two weeks into the experiment, three out of the eight couples are no longer living together. Cool.

But Tamara and Brent discover that this marriage experiment is kinda boring when you’re just locked inside a hotel room on your own, and, as they’ve been told by Anthony, if you try to escape you get clubbed in the head.

Brent maintains he still has feelings for Tamara, it’s just that he doesn’t like that she’s a psychopath.

"The psychopathy is a hurdle I don't think John Aiken can help with." As Holly and Andrew prepare to start their Intimacy Week activities, the narrator refers to Andrew’s 'heartfelt' apology. But was it an apology? Or was it a keynote speech? To an audience of one?

Clare and Jessie Stephens

February 15, 2022

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They’ve received a letter from Alessandra so Holly does a terrible and borderline offensive Spanish accent, which Andrew really likes because he’s from Texas and doesn't know better.

They’re instructed to gaze into each other’s eyes for three minutes. While Andrew thinks it's a romantic moment, we’re given a haunted voiceover of Holly replaying all the f*cked up things he’s said to her. The words "I’vE hAd OvEr 350 SeXuAl PaRtNeRs" and "yOu’Re nOt aS gOoD aT sEx aS mE aNd mY BiG tExAn DiCk" replay in her head and sweetie we need to step away from this relationship before this man permanently destroys your soul. More than he already has.

"My hobbies include sex, fellatio (receiving) and orgasms."

Over in Domenica and Jack’s apartment, Domenica has decided she is suddenly and inexplicably angry that Jack slept with his ex-girlfriend after they broke up. Was it recent? Not particularly. Did it mean anything? God no. But according to Domenica, "it’s just like weird."

Jack explains that he’s still friends with his ex, and this makes the fight easier for Domenica. "I’M NOT JEALOUS I’M JUST LIKE GENUINELY CURIOUS," she yells. "But why does she need to be your friend I don’t understand."

"Do u know that feeling?"

For Cody and Selina, it’s time to complete Alessandra’s task of kissing for five minutes and Cody keeps yelling "AH MAN" and shaking his head which is... not the correct... reaction.

Selina is really worried she’s going to have to drink Cody’s saliva but that shouldn’t... be happening. Not just with Cody. But like, ever.

Meanwhile, Mitch and Ella have also received the kissing task, and despite having sex with his partner three times a day for the last two weeks, Mitch refuses to do it.

"For it to be intimate, and for anything to be gained from it, it needs to be done in private," he says and um AGAIN Mitch is making PERFECT SENSE like the time he said he didn’t trust the experts and/or this show.

In Mitch’s defence, this activity has nothing to do with building their intimacy and everything to do with Alessandra being a sex fiend. So.

For Anthony, Intimacy Week is presenting different challenges - mostly because Selin won’t let him within 200m of her.

They’re given the eye gazing task, and Selin is confused. Can she yell, 'BUT YOU LEFT' during it? Because otherwise what's the point??

But interestingly it’s Anthony who misinterprets the task - as one man always does - and mistakenly enters into a staring contest. He doesn’t blink and his eyes start watering and pls Sir we beg you to blink it's critical to the lubrication of your eyeballs.

"My eyes are really stingy."

Straight after the eye gazing task, Anthony and Selin do the cuddling task. Selin enjoys it because there’s "no talking, no bullsh*t," and okay she’s literally complying with these activities because they stop Anthony from communicating. Verbally.

After spending a total of exactly eight minutes together, they’re like CYA TOMORROW and we feel like marriage is more than... nevermind.

"It's just a relief you know?"

Meanwhile, Mitch and Ella are answering questions assigned to them by the sex expert lurking in their cupboard.

When Ella asks Mitch what he likes sexually, he says: "I’ve been with girls who are like you but I guess a little bit more confident in the bedroom" and can we PLEASE stop giving women FEEDBACK on their sexual PERFORMANCE for literally FIVE MINUTES.

But shut up because Anthony has a text. And yeah, it’s Selin asking him to move back in but also what looks like a producer asking if he wants to go to the gym??

Oh.

Oh ok so Anthony's just been off making friends.

As a housewarming gift Selin gives Anthony a spray tan and it’s stressful because he doesn’t understand. That he’s definitely walking it through the apartment. And getting it on the carpet. And now John Aiken won't get his bond back.

We give this whole arrangement three to six hours.

But Jack and Domenica have received a vague letter from Alessandra.

"Do I just get my dick out... now?" Jack asks and we don’t know dude. Maybe.

Suddenly they’re at a pole dancing class and it turns out Domenica is a professional pole dancer and DO YOU WANNA F**K YOUR EX GIRLFRIEND NOW, JACK.

"HOW SAD FOR HER."

In the single weirdest edit we’ve ever seen on Married at First Sight, we get porn music and special effects and slow motion footage of Domenica on the pole and this isn't why we're... here.

Over in Holly’s apartment, she and Andrew have just finished the hugging task, and he wants to know how she felt about it.

She’s like hmmm it’s been two days since you wrote leave but then crossed it out and wrote stay and maybe a week since you told me that you are very good at sex but I am in fact very bad so I’m still not feeling great thanks for asking.

But. Andrew. Said. They. Were. OVER. His. Bad. Behaviour.

Was she not listening? When he delivered his keynote?

"I clearly stated that we were moving on from my bad behaviour."

Andrew tells the cameras, "I’m going to be honest with her. Tell her what she needs to hear not, what she wants to hear," AND DIDN’T THE EXPERTS BUT ALSO ANTHONY TELL YOU ABSOLUTELY TO STOP DOING THAT.

"Leaders admit they’re at fault no matter what happens," he says to Holly and, Sir. With all due respect. Where is the leader in this room?

"Whoooooom."

"I’ve still not heard any apology about how you showed up," Andrew says. "Or any accountability. For the time you interrupted my sex story. To talk about wanting babies. That was rude, and I didn’t even get to the part about the orgy in Mexico. Which is my favourite bit. Of the story."

Holly suggests that maybe Andrew doesn’t like her that much, but he yells THAT IS NOT MY REALITY.

Before adding: "I wrote stay because there was one per cent of me that was like give this a chance", and SIR YOU DON’T LIKE THE WOMAN PLS LET HER GO.

"I feel that... you’re displaying some narcissistic behaviour right now if I’m honest with you," he says. You see, he finds it odd that Holly is sharing her feelings, which are not of interest to him personally. And she hasn’t asked him ONE question about the orgy in Mexico.

"You know I don't care."

"She’s trying to make me out to be someone I’m not, and that’s ok, that’s what narcissists do," Andrew says and we are on the floor laughing. Do you understand? This is a brilliant comedy that keeps getting funnier.

Finally, she re-sages the apartment to get rid of all Andrew’s bad energy and we have never seen a more necessary task be completed.

She shoos his big Texan d*ck energy out onto the balcony and down onto the street below, where women suddenly start releasing haunted screams.

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

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