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Tahnee, Rupert, Lyndall and Ollie have enjoyed hanging out with their fake fake partners over the past three days.
Melinda and Harrison have... not.
"Living with Harrison for the past three days is not a vibe," Melinda says.
Then they each chuckle from opposite ends of the couch about, well, despising each other.
How sweet
Everyone returns to their real fake partners and Lyndall, fresh off having actual adult conversation with Ollie, has realised that her and Cam's communication is pretty non-existent.
Cam opens up about the extent of his remote work - sometimes he goes away for weeks at a time with no phone service - and has no desire to stop that anytime soon.
Lyndall, for some reason, doesn't think that's the greatest environment for building a strong romantic relationship.
But it could be worse!
Layton visits Bronte with acai bowls - which he pronounces as "a-see-a bowls", causing me physical pain - for one last debrief.
He doesn't feel ready to move back in with Melinda, and Bronte's encouraging of that because Melinda's behaviour is "a red flag".
Without comment, let me present this show's most consistent red flag:
Bronte, pal, I've been using this since EPISODE THREE
Melinda is informed of this by a producer, so she knocks on Bronte's door to find out if she's had a hand in it.
Bronte says she hasn't persuaded Layton to do or feel anything and is annoyed that she's being blamed, which is, I hate to say it, fair.
Melinda and Layton try to hash it out in the hallway, in the room and then, idk, somewhere else strangely dark.
OKAY LET'S JUST AGREE TO HAVE A NIGHT APART AND FIGURE THIS OUT LATER BECAUSE THIS IS UNPRODUCTIVE AND I AM EXHAUSTED.
The next morning, it's time for the next part of 'Feedback Week'/another event manufactured for drama:
BOYS AND GIRLS' NIGHTS.
It better be worth it, because in what world is a slow-motion montage of everyone getting ready required in EPISODE TWENTY F***ING SEVEN?
Bronte is nervous about girls' night because the rest of the women hate her husband for very obvious and fair reasons she pretends she does not understand.
"It's going to be especially annoying where they call me out for completely legitimate reasons"
OH.
Alyssa, who you may not have realised has a child, has returned to her and Duncan's apartment feeling refreshed after spending a night away with her son.
So rather than create problems, Alyssa helps Duncan pick out which shoes will best impress the lads.
None of the men even notice them.
Devastating!
The girls kick things off with some wholesome banter, while Layton immediately pulls Harrison aside for the chat.
Layton has come to realise that Harrison is a bit of a snake and I would like to formally welcome him to the party. Grab a drink buddy, it's a lot of fun.
John Aiken has a surprise!
He's invited all the people whose lives he damaged for TV ratings to the parties, so everyone can catch up and gossip about the cheating scandals and dirty dogs that have come and gone.
Melissa is very excited, and Claire has a crystal. Not much has changed, then!
Independent woman!
The narrator gives us a spiel about Claire's history in the experiment as if we didn't literally see her two episodes ago.
She says Jesse told her he won't go to boyz night, because drama, which is good for him but sad for us.
Sandy returns to lots of hugs because she is fabulous.
She says she hasn't told her parents about how things panned out between her and Merman Dan, because in her community the break up of a marriage can be seen as shameful.
In the kindest, most sensitive way possible: LUCKY THESE ARE FAKE TV MARRIAGES.
The rest of the women tell her she's an icon and a legend and she should be proud.
Tahnee says she is embarrassed that she put Dan in her top three during the extremely problematic but highly entertaining ranking challenge.
"And also, liking the beach is not a personality trait"
Over at boyz night, everyone is PUMPED that Josh and his hammer arrive, while pointing out THAT HUGO AND JOSH ARE THE SAME PERSON.
OH
MY
F***ING
GOD.
I AM SO MAD THAT I DIDN'T REALISE THIS MYSELF.
THOR AND HIS HAMMER
THEY HAVE THE EXACT SAME ENERGY.
Ollie is freaking the f*** out.
SAME
Shannon comes in yelling and Rupert and Ollie react perfectly.
MY NEW FAVE DUO
Meanwhile, sweet angel Caitlin is THRIVING after tossing Shannon's toxic arse to the side.
She doesn't want to hold on to any anger or resentment towards him which is okay because I have enough for the both of us.
Claire arrives to hugs and excitement from everyone except Bronte, who thinks Claire 'exploited' her relationship with Harrison "many times".
The returnees are filled in on the partner swap, and Bronte complains about being left alone for hours and then being dramatically told what's what by Layton and a glass of wine.
She makes it seem like Layton is delivering Ryan Seacrest-level dramatic pauses and Melinda calls bulls**t, because Layton simply does not have that flair for drama.
"It was hard for me though. To be alone and not alone for three days"
They then argue about an argument.
Bronte concludes that Melinda is jealous because Bronte is in a secure relationship. With the worst person we know and/or her future brand deals.
Sandy asks if Bronte has real feelings for Harrison, which she says she does, and then Sandy straight up says "I don't believe it".
She asks if Bronte feels like she's being manipulated, and to her credit, Bronte does a fantastic job of pretending this is not the 55th time someone has asked that.
"I held onto that spark that we had at the wedding and I was like 'I know that that guy from the wedding is still there,'" Bronte explains.
DO YOU MEAN THE GUY WHOSE 'GIRL ON THE OUTSIDE' CAME TO LIGHT APPROXIMATELY 30 MINUTES AFTER THE FAKE CEREMONY BECAUSE GODDAMN.
THE BAR IS IN HELL.
"WHY WOULD THEY DO SUCH A THING?"
Bronte leaves but it's fine because Janelle arrives, swapping one stale drama for another slightly more stale drama.
Claire heads straight for Janelle at the bar to apologise for kissing Adam, and Janelle says that contrasting her actions to Adam's shows how genuinely sorry Claire is.
HOW GREAT ARE WOMEN!!!!!!!!
With that out of the way, Janelle wants the gossip!
She's filled in on Claire and Jesse's demise and surmises that Adam and Harrison are - direct quote! - "full of s**t".
JUST AS ADAM ARRIVES AT BOYZ NIGHT.
Bravo to the director. That was beautiful and cinematic and extremely petty.
All of a sudden, Shannon interrupts the table so Adam can speak, as Harrison mutters about Janelle under his breath.
No words, just this:
Welcome to the flag convention!
Adam reckons he just wants to apologise, to which Harrison says he's just giving off more defensiveness.
Is there a greater pain than when the worst person you know makes a great point?
Sigh.
Then he takes it too far.
"What I see is a guy who's willing to throw the boys under the bus to save himself," Harrison says. And no, not into a mirror!
"That's what you always do, Adam! You throw people under the bus to save yourself!"
SCREAMING.
HE IS TALKING TO A MIRROR BUT IT'S JUST... HE AND ADAM ARE THE SAME PERSON.
"UNACCEPTABLE"
The rest of the men look on or shuffle around the table and I'm going to need all of them who think Harrison's a d*ck - so pretty much everyone - to start calling him out to his face.
This is currently just two s**tty dudes yelling at each other about who is slightly more s**tty.
I don't want to hear a word about Harrison's owl-like neck flexibility OKAY
In contrast, the women are yelling about butt-dials, mocking Harrison and yelling about chicks before d*cks. It's beautiful.
Adam steals my line about the mirror and OLLIE STARTS CLAPPING.
A producer asks Harrison what he thinks Adam meant, to which Harrison says he just wants to move on.
Are they setting us up for the biggest downfall in MAFS history? There HAS to be some payoff for this. Please. PLEASE. I'll start a prayer circle if I need to.
UGH.
See you tomorrow.
Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.
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Feature image: Channel Nine.
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