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ALL WE’VE THOUGHT ABOUT FOR FIVE DAYS IS WHETHER STACEY OR MIKEY IS LYING DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A PERSON?

We’ve yelled questions at strangers as we’ve gone on social distancing walks around the block, “DO YOU RECKON STACEY HAD SEX WITH MIKEY Y/N”, and mostly they’ve said… yes.

All we want tonight are some answers andif possiblethespecificcondom Mikey used to be presented as evidence in the court ofMarried at First SightCheating Law.

The experts begin by welcoming back all the participants and holy sh*t they really did ruin a lot of people’s lives this year. When you see them all… together. In the same… room.

Trish pls.

But excuse you there's tension.

"You had your chance this morning. That's when you should've apologised," Michael says to Stacey through gritted teeth and yes, please go on.

"Now you've left it too late," he says before Stacey replies, "Do what you want bro" AND DID YOU CHEAT OR NO BECAUSE WE DON'T EVEN HAVE HALF A REASON TO THINK YOU DIDN'T.

They decide to open with a little video package anddon't you dare show us those weddings again don't you dare.

But alas we are forced to witness 24 people watch back their own weddings and then applaud themselves because they were on the television.

Afterwards, Sir John Aiken asks Amanda why she's inconsolably crying, and she says, "Just disappointed..." and yes. What a summary.

The first couple on the couch are Connie and Jonethen andif they show us another flashback of Connie crying in an aquarium...

And we’re doing flashbacks. Of aquariums. And relationships. That we’ve watched. For almost three months now.

Why are we looking back at what happened on occasions such as last Tuesday night when we have far more important things to do in our lives such as f*cking nothing.

The only moment of redemption, of course, is a reminder of the time Connie’s mum yelled YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND and then told the camera, ‘I don’t like that show,’ and everyone laughs because in hindsight, they don’t either.

HAHA classic.

But instead of focusing on the tension between Connie’s mum and everyone involved in the making of the award-winning documentary seriesMarried at First Sight, we revisit how Connie’s self-esteem was somehow improved by being forced into a relationship with a man who didn’t particularly like her.

Everyone claps, but the focus on Connie’s personal growth is rudely interrupted by whispers from another couple.

"Should we leave?" Evarn asks Aleks and omg that would be so mean like Trish did her hair for this??

John then summons them both to the couch, mostly to yell at them about that time they ran away from the experiment without giving us any gossip.

'It just wasn't very considerate of the group.'

Evarn explains they were ‘heavily pressured in the walls of this experiment,’ and even though he’s 100 per cent referring to Trish’s obsession with their intimacy, she smiles politely and wonders who this nice man is and why he’s being filmed.

Aleks then announces that while she and Evarn were not together when they left the experiment, she soon realised she loved this man, and we have so many questions includingwhat happened to your Serbian boyfriend and how did you go from dark brown to blonde so seamlessly.

Everyone’s mad because this show is confusing enough without people lying for no reason, so Josh starts yelling about the time Evarn asked the boiz to bring up gossip at the dinner party then tried to defend his wife… against it.

Mishel tries to involve Michael in the fighting but he’s like ‘na I’ve got my own sh*t’ and eugh so true less about the lies that don't make sense and more about the life-ruining cheating scandals.

Next up are Mishel and Steve, and Jesus we thought the 'Steve is John Aiken's dad' joke would get old by the end of the season but they really do look strikingly related.

Mishel begins by explaining that all she wanted was an open mouth kiss, and like she'd open mouth kiss everyone in this room, so like?? Why wouldn't he just put his tongue inside her mouth and rest it on her tongue for a moment even if he didn't feel like it??? Why?

Expert Mel agrees that they should have put their tongues inside of each other's mouths and takes a deep breath before embarking on her once in a season moment.

"When you show up to your relationship every day and say, 'I'm not sexually attracted to you', you're rejecting her," she tells Steve, before having a rest and a coffee break and asking for a pay rise.

'It's very important I share my opinion now, once you've already come to it yourself.'

Steve nods but looks at John. Because they both know that John conscripted him to this show against his will because they couldn't make up the numbers. And then is silent at the family dinner table while his mother, Helen, yells at Steve for getting fake married on the television while he wasalreadymarried with children.

OH.

But now it's Hayley and David and goodness how we've missed you.

We think that David might have gotten in trouble for the (revolting) lime green Hawaiian shirt he wore to the dinner party, so now he's in a three piece tux including a waistcoat. Which is... a lot. For a... Sunday night.

She insists that she supported Michael even when there was doubt but he won't support her even though it's looking increasingly like she had sex with Mikey and... that sounds like the kind of argument you use when you cheated. On your husband. And don't want to... talk about it. Anymore.

John Aiken then calls on his last witness, Evarn, who claims Stacey "pretty much" told him they had sex and something about returning clothes and another text andwe have never been more certain of anything as we are that Stacey had sex with Mikey and then returned his clothes in a Mecca bag do you hear.

Aware that this situation is gettinglessclear themorethey discuss it, John invites ‘our final couple up’ andpause.

We’re no mathematicians but you missed… so many people.

Like almost half the couples.

And Tash and Amanda would’ve been interesting? Like do they still hate each other we deserve to know?

The final couple to speak to the experts are Liz and Seb and EUGH you literally have one and a half remaining marriages out of 12 and you’re trying to leave this on a positive note so we go to bed thinking this double-cheating-scandal, pooey-toothbrush, self-esteem-destroying experiment was a… success?

But also… continue.

Lizzie can’t stop smiling because nevernot even oncedid her second fake husband make