Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Melinda is SO DONE with Bronte and Harrison.

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Everyone is off on a four-day couples' retreat which is bound to bring nothing but good vibes and group bonding. Why would we think otherwise?

But first, Rupert has brought Evelyn a birthday gift: flowers and balloons, but most importantly, a piñata full of Ferrero Rochers.

Melinda and Layton are feeling good about their joint 'Alpha energy' but not good about Harrison poking his nose into their business at the commitment ceremony.

Melinda hates him and I've truly never related to anyone more.

Of course, Harrison reckons Melinda must be "an absolute nutcase behind closed doors" while also proclaiming how much the experts must love him and Bronte for being "the blueprint".

They joke about having sex like "drunk monkeys" and has anything ever sounded less appealing? 

Darlings Claire and Jesse are discussing the mess that was Tayla and Hugo last night, with Claire saying she was thinking "stop talking" during... well, basically everything that came out of Tayla's mouth.

Jesse, who just a few short weeks ago hated the idea of any woman talking, agrees.

The return of the ick list

Hugo is still reeling from learning, for the 30th time, that Tayla hates him.

She, by the way, has decided that she is not going back to Tassie. Tassie does not offer great Daily Mail coverage, ya see.

He extends an olive branch - a.k.a a green tea - only to... well, have it violently snapped in front of his face. Tayla says he blatantly lied to everyone and made her look like a bad person. 

I mean... maybe... her laughing at him... while he expressed his emotions... did that..?

"You're saying that you're broken and defeated and crushed. I think that's a bit of an exaggeration," she says.

Narrator: it was not an exaggeration

She invites him to move back in because she's willing to pretend she gives a sh*t in return for more screen time, and Hugo deludes himself into thinking it's genuine.

"In time, Tayla might soften her edges," he reckons.

PROBABLY NOT THOUGH, HUGO. 

PROBABLY! NOT!

Thought so

As everyone runs around to claim their space at the retreat, Melinda and Evelyn come together to form an official Team We Hate Harrison. I'm gonna need merch, gals!

The only thing worth mentioning from the downtime before the first night drinks/pre-scheduled drama time is... the pond. Is this sanitary? Jesse, darl, I'm worried for you.

Cute by concerning!

ANYWAY.

ENOUGH OF PRETENDING THIS SHOW IS WHOLESOME.

LET'S GET TO THE MESS.

At the drinks, Hugo tells Cam and Harrison that he and Tayla have agreed to put their issues behind them but that he's still struggling with the lack of... literally any affection.

Meanwhile, Tayla is yelling about her GIANT SEX BAG approximately half a metre away.

Oh.

No.

"My ex and I, we would pound town every day," she says.

FIRST OF ALL. POUND TOWN? SECONDLY:

Cool cool cool

Then she says HER EX MESSAGED HER JUST THE OTHER DAY ASKING FOR PHONE SEX.

AND NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE? 

EXCUSE ME? This is basically just a combination of the Shannon and Adam dramas and I need it to be dealt with, please!

Hugo says this all feels like something that happens in movies.

He is correct. But it is also feels like something that happens on Married At First Sight. 

Evelyn tells Bronte she's annoyed that Harrison reckons she lied about the drama involving Rupert's bum.

Alyssa, for reasons that include 'stirring the pot' and 'f***ing sh*t up', just straight up asks Harrison if he thinks there was a butt-dial.

A side note: the two groups are sitting SO CLOSE TOGETHER, WHY ARE THEY PRETENDING LIKE THEY AREN'T PRIVY TO ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING EVERYONE ELSE IS SAYING.

Harrison says he and Bronte have receipts that show it was not real. Essentially, they staged a butt-dial themselves and decided it wouldn't happen. And no matter how many times Evelyn and Rupert insist it did, he won't believe them.

"MY BUTT IS VERY TRUTHFUL ACTUALLY"

Harrison is upset that Dan left because of the butt-dial, but not that Dan left because of his own... actions and inability to see Sandy as a fully formed human with her own life who could not just morph into a robot following him to the gym and beach.

Now, Harrison thinks he cannot trust Rupert (or his bum).

Rupert and his bum wonder why they should care.

Harrison tries to insinuate that Rupert was talking sh*t about Evelyn on the night out too, which is funny because Rupert has literally just learned how to speak.

Evelyn roasts him for trying to get one up on her and Melinda is THRILLED.

She tells Bronte she doesn't like that she and Harrison whisper throughout the group events, to which Tayla and Melinda are like YEAH SAME.

Bronte is unperturbed.

"I'll always have his back because we are a team lol jk it's just because otherwise I'm not as crucial to the final edit"

Melinda and Claire say she's changed herself to appease her AI-generated red flag of a fake husband, who is emotionally manipulating her.

"Not once has Harrison tried to manipulate me," she says.

IT IS THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS THING ANYONE HAS EVER SAID.

- What about when he moved out of your joint apartment and said you abandoned him?

- How about when he said he took a woman's number because he was too hot to reject her? 

- WHAT ABOUT THE TIME HE GASLIT YOU BY SAYING YOU WERE GASLIGHTING HIM?

Just a few thoughts off the top of my head!

Bronte says they're all just jealous of what she and Harrison have which... I... 

No.

I just don't think that's true.

Melinda calls her naïve and Bronte walks off crying.

"Yeah, no, they're totally right oh I mean wrong oh I mean only you can say for sure!"

The next day, Duncan is talking about how great it is to get to know everyone outside of the drama and OH MY GOD A NAKED JESSE IS RUNNING THROUGH THE GROUNDS.

NO, I DON'T KNOW WHY.

DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.

Layton's cheers, Ollie's faux tennis swing, the... butt. This is a lot!

EVERYONE LOVES IT.

Tag yourself, I'm Lyndall

Afterwards, the men - fully clothed - paint each other's nails and talk about friendship.

And the women fight.

Big fan of them all rejecting gender roles here!

Bronte tells Tahnee she wants Melinda to apologise for calling her naïve, to which Melinda is like... "nah". 

It's time for boys' night and girls' night, which John Aiken once again pretends is a crucial part of a genuine match making experiment and not just a clever way of initiating drama for all of our entertainment.

Meanwhile, Alyssa is mad at Duncan for... hanging out with ~the boyz~ while she hangs out with ~the girlz~.

She wants him to give her more attention and when he suggests they hang out more tomorrow, she says she doesn't know if she wants that.

Alyssa! Stop! It's giving self-sabotage!

"But also not tomorrow!"

Over wines, she tells the women that Duncan is physically not her type at all.

PAUSE. 

WHAT?

They each recall their fight to the groups and I think I hear Bronte say Duncan's gaslighting her?????????????? CAN WE GET THIS WOMAN A MIRROR.

Essentially, Alyssa does not think Duncan ever says he likes her or talks about their future and Duncan thinks he tells her he likes her all the time and talks VERY SPECIFICALLY ABOUT THEIR FUTURE.

In the nicest way possible, it feels like we're scrapping the bottom of the drama barrel here!

Let's turn to a less confusing mess: Hugo and Tayla.

Hugo asks the men if they think they could have a Jesse and Claire style turnaround and before Hugo has even finished this sentence, Cam yells "nah".

THAT'S SUSPICIOUS.

THAT'S WEIRD.

At the girls' night, Bronte finally confronts Melinda.

"Melinda, I have come so far and I've fought so frickin' hard for my relationship," she begins. Should she have fought for it, though? I'm going with no. "And to be called naïve was offensive."

Remember last episode where Tayla was laughing about all her exes calling her a "f***ing c***"? And now we're arguing over naïve. Say what you want, but this show has range.

Melinda says while she'll apologise for hurting Bronte's feelings she won't apologise for being honest about how they're all feeling.

Bronte says she and Harrison are so good that she's looking at moving to Sydney for him and the influencer events.

"I feel like Bronte right now needs an exorcism," Evelyn says.

I don't even believe in demons or spirits but I agree! I'm open to anything that results in us not having to watch him ever again!

Sigh

Team We Hate Harrison gather away from the group to discuss how frustrating it is that no one else is standing by their words from the previous night.

They suddenly decide to eavesdrop on the men, just as it is Layton's turn to talk about his fake marriage.

I'M SORRY.

BUT THIS IS MUCH LESS BELIEVABLE THAN A BUTT-DIAL.

Justice for Rupert's arse.

See you tomorrow.

Chelsea McLaughlin is Mamamia's Senior Entertainment Writer. For more pop culture takes, recommendations and sarcasm, you can follow her on Instagram.

Catch up on our MAFS recaps here: 

• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: When you 'cheat' in the very first episode.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The groom who hates when women... speak.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A brother tries to sabotage his sister's wedding.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: CLAIRE IS A NATIONAL HERO.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SIR, YOU CANNOT JUST PRETEND YOU DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two red flags walk into a dinner party.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: This is what GASLIGHTING looks like.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: "I am not a f***ing disposable sex toy."
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Two grooms make John Aiken VERY MAD.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: WHO TOLD JOSH THIS WOULD BE FUN?
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Shannon just became public enemy #1.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: Well, that was a clusterf***.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: John Aiken breaks his own rules. Twice.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: A cheating scandal completely unravels.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: ADAM BETTER RUN.
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: Adam digs himself the deepest hole OF ALL TIME.
  
• Mamamia recaps Married at First Sight: We're back to holding people against their will. 
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: JUST DATE YOUR FRIEND THEN, DAN.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: SANDY DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The most dramatic butt-dial OF ALL TIME.
• Mamamia recaps Married At First Sight: The bride who genuinely despises her husband.

  Feature image: Channel Nine.