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We open on a bizarre montage of all the couples on their honeymoons with what seems to be the Bridgerton theme music in the background.
Except this isn’t a fictional romantic world. This is a place where people fight during recreational activities and give each other performance reviews re. sexual intercourse.
It is, isn't it?
Anthony remains sad about the time he was enjoying pottery with his wife, her playfully putting clay on his face, and him doing the same. And then she demonically shouted "NO".
Confused, he insisted: "YOU PUT CLAY IN MY FACE, I PUT CLAY IN YOUR FACE, THAT'S FUN," and once you start shouting that something is fun the fun-ness (generally speaking) is ruined.
Embarrassed by his attempt at fun, Anthony teleported from the honeymoon, like all of us at 3am in a nightclub when we realise we're profoundly ashamed of our behaviour.
But the Uber driver was John Aiken. And he brought me... here. Selin keeps repeating that he "isn't a man" and ok we didn't want to bring this up but why are you so obsessed with Anthony's gender identity??
"I'm not going to throw her under the bus because what would that gain?" Anthony asks the camera and oh, sweetie.
Viewers, Anthony. Viewers. And in turn, advertisers. For the Nine Network.
Psst! Watch the very dramatic trailer for this season of Married At First Sight. Post continues after video.
As everyone gets ready for the first dinner party, Holly puts on a brave face and pretends her husband didn't directly tell her she was bad at sex.
"I definitely think that one should be honest but there is a delicate way in which you can address things..." Holly says and we've only just realised why every conversation this couple has is so... unusual.
Holly exclusively speaks as though she's in a corporate environment. Specifically, the Head of HR. Who has to be careful, legally. With her words. So as to protect the business.
It's upsetting. For the business. Andrew, on the other hand, exclusively speaks as though he is on his own talk show called Dr Andrew. Or perhaps Dr Andrew Thinks You're Bad At Sex. And whenever you're home sick from school/work, he's on the television, explaining how honesty is the best policy and their feelings ain't your problem.
As couples begin to arrive at the dinner party, the experts are in their closet, as always, watching.
They’re happy about Domenica and Jack because they like each other and they’re the one couple they actually tried on. So.
It's pretty impressive really. The couples begin to mingle, and Tamara tells Andrew how desperately she wants to go to Texas. Because she's super interested in serial killers.
Tamara, honey. We are all super interested in serial killers. But the problem is that when you go to Texas they're all hiding so you rarely get to see one in the wild. Unless Andrew maybe has a contact.
Eventually, Tamara sniffs out that this couple before her may have had a fight about Holly's unwelcoming vagina, so she asks how the Honesty Box went.
Holly suggests that one can be "honest without being cruel" and Andrew is like "DISAGREE".
'We also hate women, broadly speaking.' He insists it's not his job to "skate around eggshells" (???) worrying about offending people and, well. You really are from Texas aren't you.
He explains to the group that it was very respectful when he told Holly she was s**t in bed, and, in fact, "I feel good about it".
Sir you are literally the only one.
BUT STOP.
It's Selin.
She's walking in alone and Domenica isn't not excited. The experts, on the other hand, are reminded of the time they matched two people solely because they both happened to have children.
Oh no. I'd hoped that issue would... resolve itself. Selin continues to repeat, "It'S nOt HoW a MaN sHoUlD aCt," and AGAIN you just hate Anthony it has nothing to do with the expression of his gender?
Next, Sam and Al walk in together and the experts are simply blown away. John Aiken quietly mutters, "oh, that was a joke", and the others nod knowingly.
"Don't worry, the man will do something silly," Mel tenderly assures John, as he tries not to panic, and excuse us why is Al taking off his shoe.
You see, it's Anthony. He's arrived alone and his bride is busy in the corner retelling the pottery story which actually gets more mortifying the more we hear it.
And. Al. Wants. To. Break. The. Ice.
We're asking you to stop. Immediately.
"We... we have a beer in a shoe," Mel says panicked and yeah lady it's called a shoey.
She's shook. And it's like OK clearly you've never been to a pub at midnight when people start doing things for no reason.
The shoey is a weird thing to do as it's not often considered a form of entertainment, nor a way to break the ice. It's more something people pressure you in to doing. Which precisely no one did. So Al performs what can only be described as a Lone Shoey while muttering to himself "Here's to Al... he's true blue... he's a piss pot through and through..."
SIR YOU'RE AT A DINNER PARTY AND IT'S 6:30PM.
It's still... light outside.
But, oh.
It's Brent. And he's predictably upset because of what Al did, and its proximity to feet.
He reflects on the wet sock and relatedly, the wet shoe. "He's walking around like nothing's going on," he says, his voice shaking, and indeed the problem with a shoey - if we can isolate it to a single thing - is what you're doing five minutes later. Which is wishing you didn't do it. Because of the wet.
Sam is mortified. Mostly because she's an adult woman who asked her husband not to drink any form of beverage from his shoes while in polite company. And look.
As they're seated, Domenica asks Anthony what the highlight of the honeymoon was and you can tell she wants to follow up with "WAS IT WHEN YOU LEFT UR WIFE OR NO".
'Or was it when you chose to abandon this lovely woman right here?' It begins to dawn on Anthony that Selin told everyone they weren't together anymore and he cannot believe it. How dare she reveal such a personal thing after they arrived at the dinner party separately, are refusing to speak to each other, and made the dinner party so awkward that a man had to do a shoey so everyone felt slightly more at ease.
Anthony says he'd prefer to have a conversation with Selin in private rather than share his side of the story, and Tamara's all like "well you didn't and the cameras are here now so come on".
Quickly now.
"Um, if I may," someone pipes up, and you better believe it's Head of HR, Holly.
It quickly becomes clear that Holly is that person in a meeting who can't stop talking and everyone's fidgeting and checking their emails and eventually someone has to yell GREAT POINT WE'LL TAKE THAT OFFLINE in order to make them... shh.
When she finishes, no one knows what to say because they stopped listening 13 minutes ago, but Holly doesn't mind because that's what it means to be the Head of HR. Sometimes you have to say things people don't like.
As everyone is talking, Al yells at Sam that they should dance, despite the fact there's no music on and dude leave the woman alone she's in the middle of a conversation.
'How about mummy does that later, sweetie?' Sam calmly and politely explains that would be cringeworthy and embarrassing and just finish your dinner because otherwise you'll be hungry later and there's no food at home, but Holly interjects.
Yes Al has zero relationship skills, she concedes, but Sam needs to realise he's a pot of gold because she can "mold him".
You see, it's really hard when men get old, she says. Because they turn into Andrew.
Al might be a puppy who keeps weeing on the carpet and literally eating footwear, but Andrew is a senile dog with horrible habits like humping all the dogs he meets at the park.
(No). Meanwhile, Anthony takes Selin aside to apologise for abandoning their honeymoon after she expressed to him both implicitly and explicitly that a) she isn't attracted to him, b) he gives her the ick and c) he becomes less likeable the more time they spend together.
"THE ISSUE HERE IS THAT YOU LEFT" she shouts at the man apologising and lady the issue is also that you put clay on his face and then when he put clay on your face you were perplexingly horrified.
John Aiken says Selin has "unrelenting standards" and "makes people pay" which will ultimately "keep her single" and that seems harsh but okay.
Speaking of "unrelenting standards", John, any feedback for Andrew who keeps yelling at his wife to be more present during sex while also muttering that she's s**t? Whereas he is very good? Did you have any... advice? No?
COOL.
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.
For more MAFS commentary and lols, you can follow Clare and Jessie Stephens on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter.
You can also listen to their comedy podcast, CANCELLED.
Read our previous recaps here:
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 5: Stop it. He’s doing everything for Instagram.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 4: 'The sex wasn't enjoyable for me.'
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 2: The groom who has everyone... baffled.
The Twins recap Married at First Sight episode 1: "My wife is a psychopath."
Feature Image: Channel Nine + Mamamia.
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