The Twins recap Married at First Sight: You can't just comment on someone's... teeth.

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IT'S HERE.

Not even a global pandemic that impacted the lives of roughly six billion people with state sanctioned lockdowns, mandatory quarantine and strict 1.5 metre social distancing guidelines could stop Sir John Aiken from matching strangers and forcing them to live in sickeningly close quarters. 

COVID-19 can take our international travel. It can take our Olympics. It can take our jobs and destroy our economy. But it shan't be taking our basic human right to watch 20 singles marry people they're fundamentally incompatible with on the television. 

We begin by being introduced to the 'experts', with a narrator describing John Aiken as a relationship expert with more than 25 years experience and like no offence but why aren't you... better. 

... Sir.

But it's the new clinical sexologist Alessandra Rampolla who stops us in our tracks. 

Because she's a... replacement. 

For... expert Trish.

And we'd be lying if we didn't say we feel partly responsible. We spent most of last year accusing Trish of not doing her job properly. 

Trish it was only 11am...

Aw she wanted a turn. 

Idk she just seemed disengaged??

But just because Trish definitely needed to be on a Performance Management Plan didn't mean that we didn't love her unconditionally. And we worry that her skills as a television relationship expert with a frankly abysmal track record aren't that transferrable to other industries. What will she do?? Yell 'TRY SIXY TIXTS' to strangers in the park??? 

But enough about Trish. 

It's time for the hens and bucks nights, and we have precisely three questions.

1. How is this COVID safe?

Excuse you. 

2. How is this COVID safe?

It was a mystery until right this moment. 

3. No but fckn seriously how is this COVID safe?

As always, the hens night is infinitely more interesting than the bucks, with some lady named Samantha explaining that she met the father of her children when she was 17. And he was 33. 

"CALL THE JUDGE CAN WE GET A CHECK ON THAT," Coco yells and even though, like, we were all thinking the same thing, we think you're probably not meant to say that within earshot. 

"IT'S NOT APPROPIATE," Samantha slurs, before muttering "... she was rude because I was a minor and my husband was in my mid-thirties like wtf..." and sweetie the only reason literally any of us are here is to pass judgement on other people's relationships. 

Nothing happens at the bucks night except for this guy who is a bizarre throwback to the Real Slim Shady. 

... hi.

But shhh now because it's time for the experts to match our first two couples. 

We're introduced to Melissa, who is asked such sensitive questions as: 'tell me what it's like being alone,' and related, 'men leaving is a life topic for you - tell me about that hurt'.

Expert Alessandra says Melissa needs someone confident, who will allow her to blossom in the relationship and we can guarantee you're all going to ensure the opposite happens.

John suggests a man named Bryce for no reason, and Mel nods with her brand new glasses because she likes that they make her look science-y and s**t. 

How important do I look??

We cut to a package of Bryce who says he broke up with his fiancé recently because "we wanted different things in life" and we think those "different things" might have been that Bryce wanted to be on Married at First Sight and you're technically not meant to be married when you apply. 

Now that we're down one deeply problematic couple, we meet Jake, who John Aiken describes as "a guy I think our experiment needs..."

"He's a catch," he adds and goodness yes we haven't had 'a catch' in six, going on seven seasons now.

They decide to match Jake with Rebecca because she has a job, evidenced by several shots of her typing but also writing things down on a notepad. 

Alessandra describes them as 'Barbie and Ken' which isn't particularly sophisticated psychological terminology but okay.

"That’s our first two couples," they declare and JESUS imagine that being a full day at work for you.

Work hard play hard!

Anywho, it's time for Melissa and Bryce's wedding, and she's getting her make up done by a lovely lady wearing a mask and WHAT IS THE POINT WHEN SHE'S SLEEPING WITH A LITERAL STRANGER TONIGHT FFS.

When they finally meet Bryce says "How random's this" and Sir are you in Year 8?