Madonna is an icon, a trailblazer and one of the most important artists of all time. She's also... weird AF.
On January 17, Madonna announced her 12th(!) concert tour titled 'Madonna: The Celebration Tour'. It will be the biggest production she's ever done, featuring music from every era of her career spanning more than 40 years(!!).
(There are no Australian dates yet, but fingers bloody crossed.)
Madonna is known for her boundary-pushing theatrics, and with this tour announcement, the boundary she wanted to push was... the acceptability of someone dipping their balls in a margarita.
It really was about time someone smashed down that wall.
It all went down in a viral video featuring the wildest ensemble cast of our time playing a game of truth or dare. No, seriously. Who would've put Lil Wayne and Judd Apatow together? No one asked for this.
It begins as any great video should: with Madonna daring Amy Schumer to show everyone how she "licks her husband's ar*ehole... I mean, butthole".
Amy gets in close to the metaphorical a*sehole, which is here represented by a round piece of bread. Then she's like, 'nope'.
So just in case you were wondering, Amy Schumer does not lick buttholes.
File that away in the 'things I wish I never, ever had been forced to think about' compartment of your brain.
Eric Andre goes next, and he picks on Diplo (as he should). Diplo chooses dare and is promptly told to dip his balls in the margarita.
That was Eric Andre's VERY FIRST THOUGHT. He looked at this man and his first thought was 'I want to make him dip his balls in a margarita'.
"You don't have to show your d*ck," Eric assures him, to which Madge yells "YES YOU DO!"
We are literally only 54 seconds into this video, FYI.
Diplo turns around so his literal penis is not seen by celebrities such as Kate Berlant, the pregnant lady from Don't Worry Darling, and Meg Stalter, the comedic genius who plays Kayla in Hacks.
Jack Black, however, is tasked with staring the d*ck right in the eye to ensure he is fulfilling the dare.
What are the consequences of dipping balls in a margarita? Was there a salt rim? I need a full rundown.
Next, Diplo dares Madonna to "tongue-kiss Jack Black" and Jack Black yells out the most enthusiastic "F*CK YEAH" that has ever passed somebody's lips.
Madonna leaps up and grabs his face.
People literally scream.
The world turns on its axis.
Nothing will ever be the same again.
Madonna then dares Bob the Drag Queen to show, using an Evian bottle as a prop, how to... "suck it".
She does, and do these people know that video lives on forever?
The bottle head gets a round of applause from the full table.
Evian is yet to respond.
From here, Meg Stalter picks Kate Berlant, who yells "TRUTH" faster than the speed of sound itself.
She is asked which person at the table she would have 12 hours of sex with, followed by a spaghetti dinner and a disco.
Exclaims from around the room include "12 HOURS?" and "all with the same person?", which are far more clarifying questions than Diplo ever asked about the tequila testees.
She chooses Madonna, who is honoured because she loves spaghetti.
Then Lil Wayne speaks and the video GIVES HIM, AND ONLY HIM, SUBTITLES.
Judd Apatow dares actor Larry Owens, along with Jack Black, Lil Wayne and Madonna to recreate an image from Madonna's infamous book Sex, which made everyone clutch their pearls upon release in 1991.
I could describe this scene in words, but it would involve words like "mounts", "fondles" and "arches back".
And I AM AT WORK.
Finally, post sex scene, Amy Schumer has one final dare for Madge.
"Madonna, I dare you to do a world tour and play your motherf***in' hits."
"Four decades? As in 40 years?"
The table launches into a rendition of 'La Isla Bonita' and I suddenly want to... be there, despite the alcoholic gonads and water bottle blowjobs.
"Hold on, that's a lot of songs," Madonna says. "You think people would come to that show?"
This is truly the greatest acting performance she has given us since... ever. And that includes Evita.
"The answer is... fuck yeah," she finally concludes, to applause from everyone at the table, and probably also Diplo's drunk nuts.
As this truly enlightening experience ends, the group parties, piggybacks and simulates rimming on pieces of bread.
Madonna's going on tour, Diplo balls are going to be hungover tomorrow, and the words 'shock factor' no longer have meaning. All in a day's work for the Queen of Pop.
Feature image: YouTube/Madonna.
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Top Comments
Also, that video is the best thing ever.