“My friend had a baby and there’s one thing I couldn’t stop thinking about.”
Yesterday there was a Facebook post I’d been waiting for – two dear friends who’ve had a tough few years, welcomed a beautiful baby girl.
As I smiled at the picture of her, texting well wishes and requesting more photos from the proud dad, I found myself thinking back to those first blurry hours and days after my son was born – the exhaustion, the relief, the elation.
I remember the sudden rush of visitors, my sleeping bundle passed around to new grandparents, aunts and uncles as I sat up in bed, ravenous after labour, eating Vegemite sandwiches. And the unfamiliar sounds of the hospital in the solitude after they left.
The all-over soreness too and the shattering post-adrenaline fatigue. The strange absence of my baby’s kicking after months of it, stronger and stronger as the weeks wore on.
The way the room was full of my son’s name; its newness. And lying alongside him, me in my bed and he in his plastic crib, staring at him, drinking him in, in the quiet early hours of that first morning.
I remember marvelling in his tiny nose and his perfect little ears, counting his fingers and watching him breathing. The midwives coming in and out of my room in cycling shifts, each unwrapping and swaddling him differently, with practiced expertise. And the night sweats no one warned me about, jolted awake by hungry newborn wails, swathed in cold, wet sheets.
The stomach-clenching memory too, of being hit by a sudden terror, the humbling realisation that I had no idea what I was doing.