'Before Lizzo, I hated every ounce of my fat body. Now I'm heartbroken.'

This story discusses disordered eating habits and sexual harassment.

To say Lizzo changed my life would NOT be an overstatement.

Not only did she make me cry a month’s worth of tears when I watched her twerk on stage at one of her shows - she also played a tremendous role in helping me love my body.

Because before Lizzo I hated every ounce of my fat body... every day... for as long as I can remember.

Watch: Lizzo talks about body positivity and negativity. Story continues after video.

I tried and failed every diet, detox, juice cleanse, protein shake, medication and fitness plan in an attempt to shrink myself so my body was deemed worthy.

I let relatives and ex-boyfriends pick apart my body like it was this ghastly creature that desperately needed to be fixed.

I always felt like I had to be thankful to every man that gave me any amount of attention because I truly believed no one would dare find my fat body attractive.

That was until I discovered Lizzo.

You can imagine my astonishment when I first discovered Lizzo - a fat woman shamelessly shaking her ass while singing songs about self love - that was unheard of!

Her lyrics became gospel to me.

The way she moved, spoke and encouraged fans to love themselves changed my way of thinking forever.

Her music gave me the vocabulary I needed to dismantle my internalised fatphobia. Because of her I was no longer afraid of the word ‘fat’ and being identified as fat.

I no longer felt guilty about the food I ate because I no longer assigned them with moral values. And even when I had moments of self-doubt or hatred towards my body I would always think, “Lizzo would never talk to herself like that, so why should I?”

Thanks to Lizzo my body was no longer the enemy - I now looked at it as a powerful vessel that didn’t need to change for anyone.

Image: Supplied

So as you can imagine I was utterly heartbroken when the allegations came out against Lizzo. To summarise, this week three of her formers dancers filed a lawsuit accusing the singer of sexual harassment and creating a hostile work environment.

Lizzo was being accused of pressuring her dancers to touch nude performers at clubs and touch/eat objects that were inside performers' genitalia.

One of the dancers even claimed Lizzo fired her for putting on weight.

Lizzo's dance captain Shirlene Quigley, and production company 'Big Grrrl Big Touring,' were also named in the case as defendants.

Quigley was accused of religious harassment, while members of 'Big Grrrl Big Touring' were accused of racist and fatphobic discrimination.

Lizzo has denied these allegations and claims her former dancers are making up “sensationalised stories.”

“I am not here to be looked at as a victim, but I also know that I am not the villain that people and the media have portrayed me to be these last few days,” writes Lizzo, “I am very open with my sexuality and expressing myself but I cannot accept or allow people to use that openness to make me out to be something I am not.”

The singer says she’s done a lot of “good work” in the world and hopes that doesn’t get overshadowed by these allegations.

However, several individuals that aren’t even affiliated with the case have come forward and doubled down on the initial allegations.

Sophia Nahli Allison who was originally set to direct Lizzo’s documentary claims the singer was “arrogant, self-centre and unkind.”

“I walked away [from the job] after about two weeks,” Allison wrote on social media, “I was treated with such disrespect.”

Lizzo’ former creative director, Quinn Wilson, has also come out with comments about Lizzo and says she too experienced similar behaviours to Allison.

“For clarification, I’m not a part of the lawsuit – but this was very much my experience in my time there,” writes Wilson, “big shoutout to the dancers who had the courage to bring this to light.”

So like many of you I am feeling all the feelings right now.

I feel angry - how can a person’s entire brand be about empowering others, particularly those that live in marginalised bodies, but yet also be accused of such heinous behaviour?

I feel conflicted - I have sympathy for the victims yet also sympathy for Lizzo because I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have the whole world turn on you.

I feel defeated - first it was JK Rowling, then it was Ellen, why must all the women I look up to turn out to be problematic?

I feel idiotic - did I honestly expect a powerful rich person to not be problematic? But ultimately I feel heartbroken - Lizzo was my world, she meant everything to me.

She was more than an artist to me; she shaped my thoughts, my politics, my perspective on the world. But now that I put all my feelings into words - was my love for Lizzo turning into an unhealthy obsession?

Was it problematic to shape my entire identity and body image journey on someone that didn't even know me?

Image: PayPal Melbourne Fashion Festival

Was it unhelpful to put that much pressure on someone and put them on such a high pedestal? Particularly when it comes to Black women, there is this added pressure for them to never make mistakes and always be the perfect role model.

So where do we go from here?

That I do not know but what I do know is that Lizzo did change my life - I can’t deny that. And for me her alleged actions doesn’t diminish or override the level of joy and confidence she brought into my life.

Yes, it still leaves me with conflicted feelings but that doesn’t change the fact she helped me become the person I am today, and I will always be grateful for that.

If you find yourself needing to talk to someone after reading this story, please call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Feature Image: Supplied