We investigate the many lies pop culture has been telling us about sex.

May 14, 2015

Image: There’s always a fireplace, isn’t there? (via The Notebook, of course)

Movies and television give us a lot of great things: characters to love and hate, witty lines to quote, and an excuse to stare intently at Ryan Gosling (insert actor/actress of choice).

One area they tend to fall down in, however, is sex. If pop culture was your only reference point for what sex is like in real life, you’d be screwed.

Yes, there have been some great, realistic portrayals of sex on our screens — and we do understand there’s an element of ‘make believe’ at play here — but on the whole movies and TV have been telling us some pretty big lies about the glorious mess that is getting it onnnn. Here are 23 of them, in order of appearance.

1. “Foreplay”… What is “foreplay”?

At least Game of Thrones went there.

Movie sex tends to escalate quickly. One minute a pair of characters lock eyes; the next, they're having simultaneous orgasms (pfft, there's none of that uncomfortable, "So... should we...?" conversation). When viewers are treated to a slice of pre-action action, it's not often a man performing oral sex on a woman. BOO, HISS.

2. "The Sexy Sink".

You know — the sex scene trope where two characters start kissing, their passion visibly augments, and then their bodies just mysteriously begin sinking towards the ground in perfect synchrony... But we never actually see how they transition from awkward gradual kneel to hot sex. How does it work? (Post continues after gallery.)

Memorable Sex Scenes

TitanicTitanic.

Friends With BenefitsFriends With Benefits (Castle Rock Entertainment)

Sex And The CitySex And The City (HBO)

GirlsGirls (HBO)

BridesmaidsBridesmaids (Universal Pictures)

American PieAmerican Pie (Universal Pictures)

Gone GirlGone Girl (20th Century Fox)

FriendsFriends (Warner Brothers Television)

The 40 Year-Old VirginThe 40 Year-Old Virgin (Universal Pictures)

3. Bras are a snap to remove.

Fact: bras are hard to take off. Even for bra wearers, that whole 'one-handed-snap-off' move is difficult — so imagine what it's like when you're expected to maintain eye contact and/or kissing energy at the same time. In reality, there's usually at least four seconds of fumbling (and some frustrated grunting) before it comes off.

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4. Taking clothing off is both easy and sensual.

In real life, she'd have tripped over that gown by now. (Fifty Shades of Grey)

Did we mere mortals somehow miss the high school lesson on 'sexily wriggling out of underwear while lying horizontal on a bed'? It certainly looks like it. Clothes can be very complex things, with any combination of buttons, zips, press-studs, buckles and/or laces to contend with, not to mention pesky things like feet that can trip you over. If only velcro were more fashionable, right?

5. Condoms are simply unnecessary. Actually, so is all contraception.

Memo to directors: we know you probably have running time restrictions, but seriously — condoms are essential, especially in sex between strangers as is so often depicted on screen. Does unwanted pregnancy simply not exist in MovieLand? What about STIs?

Yes, there are couples in real life who don't use condoms, but this is generally because they're using another form of contraception. Why don't we ever see or hear fleeting references to the Pill, IUDs or vaginal rings in movies? (Post continues after gallery.)

Popular forms of birth control

Contraceptive pillThe Pillis the most popular form of birth control. There are two types: the combined pill, containing two hormones, and theprogestogen-only, or mini, pill, which only contains one female hormone. The combined pill works by preventing the ovary from releasing an egg each month. The mini pill changes the mucus at the entrance of the uterus, which stops sperm from entering. Both are 99.7% effective; however, they don't offer protection from STDs.

Intrauterine deviceIUDs are small, T-shaped devices that are inserted into the uterus by a doctor in order to prevent pregnancy. There are two types of IUD: copper, which affects the movement and survival of sperm in the womb while changing the lining of the womb;and hormonal, which releases progestogen (a synthetic version of the naturally-occurring hormone progesterone) into the uterus. Although IUDs have a success rate of more than 99%, only around 2% of Australian women currently use one.

CondomsThe male condom is a barrier contraception that prevents both pregnancy and the transmission of STDs. They work by collecting semen so it doesn't enter theman's partner's body. Condoms are 95 to 99% effective at preventing pregnancy.

The female condomThe female condom is a pre-lubricated sheath, which loosely fits inside of the vagina. The condom has a removable ring, which helps to insert the sheath and keep the condom in place. A larger ring remains on the outside to cover the opening of the vagina. They are designed to fit all women and can only to be used once. Due to misuse of the product it is only 79 per cent effective.

DiaphragmLike the male condom, the diaphragm is a barrier method of contraception. It's a shallow silicone dome that's inserted into the vagina andcovers the cervix, which is the entrance to the uterus. It's held in place by the pelvic muscles, and works by preventing sperm from entering the uterus. After sex, diaphragms need to remain in placefor another six hours, in which time the sperm inside the vagina die. This method is 88 to 94% effective at preventing pregnancy, although this rate increases with experience.

Birth control implantThis is a 4cm-longimplant that is inserted into a woman's upper arm, just under the skin, by a doctor. It releases a hormone called etonogestrel, which prevents ovulation and thickens the mucus in the cervix, which can stop sperm from entering. Contraceptive implants - usually sold as Implanon - are removed under anaesthetic every three years, and are close to 100% effective.

Vaginal ringVaginal rings are soft plastic rings that contain the same two hormones as the combined pill - oestrogen and progestogen. The ring is inserted into the vagina, where the hormones are absorbed into the body and then prevent the ovaries from releasing eggs. Once inside the ring can't be felt, and it needs replacing every three weeks (with one week's break in between). When used correctly, this method is more than 99% effective.

Depo ProveraDepo is a long lasting hormonal injection. The synthetic form of progesterone is administered every 12 to 14 weeks to woman, preventing pregnancy within this ongoing time period. The injection, which is given in the buttock or muscle of the upper arm, prevents ovulation and thickens the mucus in the cervix, helping to block sperm. The injections are 99 per cent effective but do not protect against STDs. Male contraceptive injections are currently being trialled

The morning after pillEmergency contraception (popularly referred to as the morning after pill) is used to prevent a pregnancy following unprotected sex. Other reasons include missing a contraceptive pill or a condom breaking. It is common in Australia to use the progestogen-only method. This entails a dosage of EC pills containing progestogen or the synthetic version. A doctor can prescribe the pill or they can be bought over the counter at a pharmacy without a prescription. Emergency contraceptionis 85 per cent effective in reducing the risk of pregnancy.

SterilisationSterilisation is a permanent form of contraception. For women there are two types of sterilisation: tubal ligation, in which clips are placed on the fallopian tubes, or tubal occlusion in which a device is inserted into the tubes. These methods work by preventing the sperm from reaching the egg. Tubal litigation is 99.5 per cent effective. The Vasectomy (for men) works by cutting and blocking the tubes called the vas deferens, preventing sperm from leaving the testicles. The chances of impregnation with a vasectomy are 1 in 1000.

6. When they do exist, condoms are like gloves.

In that they slide on effortlessly and silently, with not a single weird Cling Wrap-like noise to be heard anyway. Off-screen? Nope.

7. All men can get it in first go, without any hands-on assistance.

We're calling it: this is a complete fallacy (or should that be... phallus-y?) (Sorry). Penises do not simply slide into vaginas unaided. There's usually at least one failed attempt and/or slight re-adjustment required. Sometimes it's a two-person job. There's nothing wrong with asking for a little help.

8. The moment of penetration alone is enough to get a lady off. Very loudly.

So is a feather, according to 40 Days and 40 Nights

Gee, movie men have got it made. All they need to do is stick it in, and they've given their lady friend a glass-shattering orgasm. It's incredible! But also about as realistic as that giant flying dog from the Never Ending Story. Sorry, guys — you usually have to work a bit harder than that.

9. Your hair will remain immaculate, and out of your face, the whole time.

Despite all that sweat, rolling around and hands-through-the-hair action, actresses manage to look salon-fresh the whole way through. Ditto their makeup — there's nary a smudged winged eye or misplaced eyelash to be seen. The rest of us? Not so lucky.

10. It all happens in slow motion, with flattering lighting.

Note to self: invest in a flattering bedside lamp. (True Blood)

Ah, it must be nice to live in a world where awful fluorescent lights don't exist. Where everything happens in slow motion, with a dramatic soundtrack, and a fan ever-so conveniently positioned to gently blow your hair out of your face; and you never find yourself fumbling around in the dark looking for a condom or a towel.

11. All sex sounds are aurally pleasing.

Sure, soft sensual moans do happen in the real world, but so do grunts, queefs, awkward comments and giggle outbursts for no good reason. Throw squelching, slapping and squeaky mattress springs into the mix, and you have a chorus of... perfectly normal, human, not always 'sexy' sex sounds. And it's okay, because your partner will dig them anyway. (Post continues after gallery.)

The on-screen orgasms that got us talking.

American PieTara Reid in 'American Pie'

Mad Men

Pleasantville

Black Swan

The Ugly Truth

Sex and the City(Image via HBO.)

Sex and the City

Bruce Almighty

Reign

Friends With Benefits

When Harry Met Sally

12. Changing positions is quick and seamless.

Ha! If only that were true. At the very least, there's a bit of discussion involved: "Hey how about we try something like... um, how about if you move your leg here and then... oh shit, now I have a cramp, STOP, STOP NOW."

13. You'll never make a facial expression that isn't, um, conventionally beautiful.

Some people have dainty orgasm faces, sure. Others really don't. It's not a pre-requisite here in the real world.

14. Shower sex is not only possible without injury, but it's sexxxxxy.

James Bond is officially a liar.

Hollywood directors should be held personally responsible for all injuries resulting from shower sex attempts among mere mortals. Tiles are slippery when wet, shower infrastructure can break under too much pressure, and holding someone against a wall for extended periods requires a LOT of upper body strength.

Also, shower heads rarely produce a big enough stream to cover two bodies, so one party is almost always damp, freezing cold and miserable. Another also: condoms + water = very difficult.

15. Nothing unexpected ever happens.

In MovieLand, sex is fairly predictable. There's no air coming out of places you didn't know it could come out of; there are no awkward calf cramps; and the only sweat that occurs is a seductive sheen across the forehead. Nobody bumps teeth or foreheads, or accidentally knees their lover in the nose, or lies on their hair. That must be nice, because the rest of us certainly don't get that luxury.

16. The whole thing needn't take longer than, oh, thirty seconds.

Yes, they're called "quickies" for a reason, but damn — is it humanely possible to decide to have sex, take off one another's clothes, and achieve orgasms in under a minute? Not in this world.

17. Sex is mind-blowing every single time.

"Oh my god, that was amaaaaazinnnggggg"

Oh, what's that? You find sex a bit "meh" sometimes? Clearly you've got it wrong, because according to pop culture, sex is always beautiful and romantic or totally off-the-wall passionate. Everyone's getting off in tandem and moaning sexily, and they always collapse into a heap when it's over, panting, "That... was... uhhhmazing."

In real life? Sex can be incredibly passionate. It can be overwhelmingly romantic. It can be perfectly pleasant. It can also be a bit boring, melancholy or disappointing. That's what makes it so interesting.

18. Simultaneous climaxing is par for the course.

Whenever there's penetrative sex happening in Movie Land, everyone involved gets an orgasm — usually at precisely the same time, in harmonising tones. Impressive, yes, but realistic? Not really. No wonder so many of us feel like we have to fake it 'til we make it. (Post continues after gallery.)

The most famous fake orgasms

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Easy AEmma Stone in 'Easy A'

Sex and the City

When Harry Met Sally

Keira KnightleyLeighton Meester in 'Gossip Girl"

19. You will always climax on your first time.

See, ladies, it's easy and effortless! No need to learn how to do it solo, because it'll just happen automatically!

20. No muss, no fuss

Here's a theory: people in Movie Land do not have bodily fluids. That would certainly explain why female characters never seem to have untimely periods, and why there's no post-sex mess to clean up. Where do all those juices go?

They're certainly not being captured by condoms, because as discussed above they're not being used. Do female movie character not know the joys of the "after sex waddle" to the bathroom to clean up? Boy, they're missing out.

21. Evidently, UTIs do not exist.

Ever noticed that women on screen don't dash off (or as discussed above, awkwardly waddle) to the toilet when the deed has been done? This is a little concerning — urinary tract infections, anyone? This is Dolly Doctor 101.

22. That whole post-coital sheet situation.

Via Scandal

Correct us if we're wrong, but sex tends to undo a neatly-made bed pretty quickly, even if it's not particularly athletic. So why is is that movie characters always manage to lie side-by-side afterwards with their crisp, unlined sheets laying neatly across their torsos? Even weirder is when the same sheet lies modestly across a woman's chest, but only manages to wrap around the guy's hips.

23. You should light up a cigarette straight afterwards and talk about how uhhhmazing it was.

Yeah, you can absolutely do that — eat your heart out, Don Draper. But having a silent cuddle, or falling asleep, is also perfectly acceptable. Whatever floats your boat.

24. Couples can have endless, tireless sex.

Do these people not have jobs to attend to in the morning? Are they fuelled by Energiser batteries? Do they never get a bit sore? Do they not require sleep? So many questions.

Do you have any lies to add to the list?

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