"You're a groom. Not James Bond. Get over it."

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?

Weddings have gone from doing the Thriller dance at your local RSL to actually re-shooting the Thriller film clip. You think I’m joking? Last month, I spent three hours removing werewolf make-up after my second cousin’s wedding.

I think people have watched so many movies that they actually believe that they can make their life into some terrible action/rom-com/extravagant steaming pile of garbage.

Salim Mahajer just had the “wedding of the century” over the weekend. Pretty big call when we’re only 15 and half years into a whole century.

Mahajer literally stopped traffic when he made his way through suburban Lidcome in the western suburbs of Sydney, as if Australia had just won the soccer World Cup. But Mahajer was just on his way to get married. There were dudes with drums, a zillion sports cars, four helicopters, a jet, the police, the works.

And he became a national news item.

Oh yeah, he also made this hilarious When Harry Met Sally/Terminator style courtship video. (Post continues after the video.)

Credit it to you, dude. I’ve seen legit Hollywood movies with less production.

By the way, can I get the name of your voice-over? I might need him for my 31st birthday party? I’m planning on riding a unicorn through a Westfield food court.

So, some guy loves his girl and gets married. Good for them. This happens every Saturday of the year.

Mahajer, why do you have to stop a whole suburb?

Why the hell do you need a sea-plane?

Are you trying to live out an episode of Duck Tales?

Mahajer, what does the fourth helicopter actually do?

If you have luxury cars, why do need a hundred motor-cycles?

Was your wedding Mad Max themed?

But what I really want to know is…since when did weddings become a Z-grade version of the Oscars?

I’m not against having a good time, but people at a wedding usually want the following:

Short speeches.

A quick, tasteful cry as the bride walks down the aisle.

Free booze.

Poorly cooked steak/chicken.

Dance badly to the Grease Mega Mix.

That’s it. That’s all you need. If you meet those targets then you will have a great wedding. People will rave about your wedding for months, especially if the speeches are short. Your cousins will love you for that one.

Look, Mahajer must be a seriously awesome mate. To throw a party like that is pretty damn special. But I would be really pissed off if I were told that my car was going to be towed because of someone else’s wedding.

When did a wedding transform the bride and groom into celebrities?

Most of the people at your wedding are already married. They’ve said the words, cut the cake and eaten some overpriced food. You’re not really that special. You don’t need to produce a wedding video, because they’ll watch the first 6 seconds and then look at the latest scandal relating to Kim Kardashian.

If you have free booze 80% of your guests will RSVP. Your friends/guests probably care about you, but they should not be treating you as a celebrity because YOU’RE NOT A CELEBRITY! You’re just a guy who has blown an insane amount of money on a really big family dinner.

However, Mahajer looks like a pretty cool Deputy Mayor. I’d like to apply for a hoverboard permit, please.

Call me old fashioned, but I thought the groom was supposed to show up and then the rest of the day was about the bride. I mean, power to a guy that wants to be in the limelight, but I’ve honestly never really cared about how the groom gets to the chapel. People don’t talk about the suit you hired for months on end. Or do they now?

Mahajer’s white suit did look pretty amazing. I’ve never worn one, but part of me wants to. I would have loved to have rocked a white suit at my wedding and done my speech in a bad Sean Connery voice. Actually, I don’t even know the brand/designer of my suit. I went to a tailor place and bought a black suit that I’m too fat to fit into nowadays.

The biggest thing I did as a groom was not pass out when my wife walked down the aisle. All the hoopla just seems a bit much. I thought dudes were supposed to just stand around and pretend that they’re not crying as they see the love of their before them.

Mahajer, on the other hand, had everything planned out. Even his duckface was perfect.

Believe it or not, most of your guests are just happy for you. They don’t care if you ride a komodo dragon into the reception venue. Actually, that would look bloody awesome. Really, they don’t care if you ride in a Rolls Royce or a Rav4. As long as you look like you’re marrying the love of life and you don’t make the guests pay for booze they will love you.

If you want to be a celebrity then go and appear on a reality TV show. Mahajer, you’ve obviously missed your chance to be on The Bachelor. But I think you could win MKR 2016. I’m sure those dudes with drums could provide some light entertainment while you’re waiting for the soufflé to rise. Maybe you could use your private jet to deliver the main course?

Or better yet, become good at acting/guitar/taking provocative selfies and move to LA. That way you won’t inconvenience regular folk in Lidcome with your ridiculous wannabe 007 wedding.

What do you think about Mahajer's wedding that happened on the weekend?