'You'll find strength in your greatest hour of need': Libby Trickett's letter to her younger self.

This story discusses postnatal depression.

Dear precious past Libby,

You are incredibly strong, but you don't yet know how deep your strength will go.

As a swimmer, you are physically strong, your body lean and muscled from the hours in the pool and the gym. Mentally, you are able to control your nerves and perform in the highest-pressure situations, with everything riding on a sharp 21 seconds of frantic effort.

But the truth is, you are rigid rather than strong. 

Underneath you're a scared little girl who is constantly trying to prove her value and worth in the world. You are mentally strong in one way, and one way only. You are able to grind out effort day after day and can stand up and perform in races. But if one thing goes out of step for what you're planning or could control, you really struggle to hold it together.

This will become obvious later when you face the birth of your first daughter. 

After what feels like unending sleep deprivation (waking every 45min day and night will do that to you) and zero control over this little being (my goodness, she'll be a cranky baby), you will rapidly spiral into postnatal depression.  

Image: Instagram @libby_trickett

You will feel like a failure at every moment of every day and struggle to make decisions. You'll eventually think harmful thoughts about your daughter, and harbour a desire to no longer be here. It will feel just too painful. Excruciating will be an accurate description of that time in your life.

This might seem like a very strange moment to be grateful for, but you will be. Because it was in this moment that you found your true strength. 

Not in the moments of being an elite athlete, of being the fastest woman ever at the age of 23. It wasn't even in the tough moments of your career when you "lost" gold by .04 of a second in the 100m free. And it wasn't even in the good moments like when you won gold for Australia in the 100m butterfly at the 2008 Olympics.

Watch: Advice for 5-year-old me with Libby Trickett. Post continues after video.

Past Libby, please know this: you will find your strength in the quiet, ordinary moments when you are in a downward spiral, and it feels like your soul will fall apart.

You will find your strength in asking for help in your greatest hour of need. 

You will find your strength by lowering your expectations of yourself and accepting that you are not perfect.

You will find your strength in releasing the need to control every moment and every outcome.

You will find your strength in finding new relationships and strengthening your relationships with people who love and support you. 

You will find your strength in finally understanding that you are resilient, and you will be able to cope with life, whatever happens.

It will take you years to fully understand and be sure of this strength and to be able to return to it when you feel like things are getting hard, chaotic, or challenging you mentally.

But you will get there and that is why I will forever be grateful for that moment. You will love the person that I have become and really the only reason she is here is because of the strength you found in 2015.

Love,

Libby

Listen to Libby Trickett on This Glorious Mess here.

Feature Image: Instagram @libby_trickett.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.