I only ever got one detention in my life, and it was for sneaking out of class to watch a One Direction music video with my friend.
So, when I found out that Liam Payne had died, the grief hit me like a parasocial wave.
My One Direction journey started in 2011. When a Year 8 classmate was shocked I didn't know about the boyband, I raced home that afternoon to find out everything I could about the group, who formed on the British X Factor in 2010.
After binge-watching all of their X Factor video diaries on my iPod Touch, I was instantly hooked with Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Zayn Malik, Louis Tomlinson, and Liam Payne.
I didn't realise just how much One Direction would go on to define my teen years. My days were book-ended by the group. I would wake up and check Twitter for news, and I would go to sleep watching their latest interviews.
Watch Liam Payne's X Factor audition. Post continues after video.
Every new inside joke was a delight for us Directioners, including Liam's fear of spoons, and Louis' love for carrots.
As fans, we had roles for each member — Louis was the comedian, Niall was the carefree one, Zayn was the mysterious one, Harry was the flirty one, and Liam was the father figure.
I formed friendships because of One Direction. My best friend and I wouldn't have bonded, and ultimately go on to live together, if she hadn't offered me 'One Direction themed' mints in Ancient History. At lunchtimes, we would chat about our favourite members and our plan to act "mysterious" if we ever met them (so they would fall in love with us, of course!).
On the day tickets went on sale for their Australian concert, cries could be heard in my school corridor from fans who missed out. The day Zayn left the band, the sobs were even louder. And when the One Direction hiatus was announced, some were inconsolable.
Listen to The Spill episode on Liam Payne's Life, Death And Complicated Legacy. Story continues below.
News of Liam's death has rocked my generation. It has prompted messages from fellow high school Directioners who are also in disbelief. Back and forth we are sharing resurfaced footage of Liam from his One Direction days, reminiscing on our teen obsession.
We grew up with Liam from One Direction, and now it feels like a part of our childhood has gone.
I may not have been fan of Liam Payne right up unto his untimely death. I didn't follow his solo career and was aware of his problematic behaviour in recent years. But I am mourning the version of Liam I remember from One Direction. The 'father figure' of the group. The sensible one who pulled the other boys in line.
The one that defined my teen years, and the years of so many others.
Like so many, I am grieving the part that Liam played in my youth; the friendships he unknowingly created; the joy he helped bring my teenage self; and the memories he and One Direction made for all of us Directioners.
Feature Image: Getty