A (hilarious) letter to my children about menopause.

Dear Kids,

The doctor has confirmed it.

Unfortunately there’s nothing she can do for me and we all have to cope the best we can.

Like the first stage of loss, I was in denial.

“I’m too young,” I thought.

“It couldn’t be.

I’m fit and vibrant for my age.

“Those symptoms can relate to anything.”

But tackling this head on, I’ve decided to skip the other stages of grief, like anger and doing deals with higher beings and instead have gone straight to acceptance.

So girls, you too have to face my reality.

I will never have the baby brother you’ve repeatedly requested over the past decade- it will only be the five of you girls, the seven of us.

Because it’s official, and I suppose I have been mourning the end of that chapter of my life.

I am in transition!

It’s like puberty in reverse but without the pimples.

Most women reach the menopausal years between 45-55 and it causes chaos with the production of female hormones, oestrogen and progesterone, by our ovaries. (So looking at this positively, I suggest I could be a little bit of a high-achiever, reaching this target early.)

Read more: Menopause at 42. Holy hell.

I’ve listed the symptoms of this change of life, so perhaps when you look up from snap chat, Pretty Little Liars, Suits or whatever the new online phenomenon is, you may recognise them and cut me some slack.

• Irritability
• Lack of sleep- which can lead to irritability
• Tiredness which is a result of lack of sleep, which causes irritability
• Hot flushes, and night sweats, which can lead to a lack of sleep, which leads to irritability
• Aches and pains, which I notice more when I’m tired (see above- lack of sleep)
• Headaches, which is another area of pain, (see aches and pain above)
• Itchiness, which is an irritation of the skin
• Urinary frequency, which seems to of course happen at night between waking up from bouts of sweating, so even more irritability
• Lack of self esteem (I think I’m okay there as the high achievement has countered that)
• Lower libido (you don’t really need to worry about this)
• Forgetfulness- did I mention I might get irritable?
• Now that I have had a medical confirmation of my condition, you might ask why can’t I just take something? Because summing up, it seems I may become a little cranky.

Well I can’t.

I suffered blood clots and was hospitalised as a result of taking the pill.

In fact that was so interesting, I featured in a double-page spread in a 2002 edition of the Women’s Day, with Julia Roberts on the cover. (self-esteem, tick)

Try this: Mia: This is what happened during my breast exam.

Hormonally I am at risk, so I can’t have replacement therapy, I can’t take natural products because they too have an impact on hormones and the other organic antidotes, like exercise and watching my diet, I already undertake.

So we basically have to suck it up.

But to help you, my dear daughters, through this irritating transition I have thanklessly undertaken some drastic remedies.

• I have booked Spring Break in the United States in April with my best friend.
• Your dad/stepdad is selflessly coming to Croatia and Italy with me in July.
• I have decided to embrace the hot flushes by tackling the heat of central Australia and hiking the Larapinta trail in August.
• On the advice of my doctor to continuing exercise, I will again go to Sydney for the City to Surf with the girls.
• If all isn’t well by then I am considering South Africa for Xmas.

You are welcome.

Mum xxxxx