Editor’s note: This post deals with suicide. Some readers may find this article triggering.
By TRISH HEAGERTY
Words really can’t explain the range of emotions you experience when you lose someone, in any situation. But especially by suicide.
The pain is so strong. I feel broken. I shake uncontrollably. My whole body feels like it’s shutting down. The pain of disbelief, loss, sadness and emptiness is unbearable.
I do not wish anyone to go through what I have gone through.
Grief is an interesting companion.
Not being able to eat, drink or feel. I feel like an empty shell, wounded, lost and alone.
Does grief ever go away? I am not sure. It’s only been nine months since the tragic loss of my husband.
I was dreading Father’s Day, so Ruby and I packed up and went away for the weekend, thinking if I don’t hear it or see it, I will be OK.
But the lead up to Fathers Day was hard, with all the talk and media around, it was like a constant reminder that we no longer had a Daddy.
I sat in the beautiful surrounds of the getaway and thought, who was I kidding? You can’t run away from your feelings. They came too. Driving around and exploring is not the same, everything we did as a family, is no longer.
As I push Ruby on the swings and see happy families I break inside. My daughter and I are missing the one person we both love the most.
Top Comments
I'm so glad to see you've written this. I remember Nick's disappearance well - I was sharing all the news articles, and was heartbroken when he was found.
I lost my father to suicide when I was 16, have battled depression and anxiety, and now have 2 little children myself, and all of this made Nick's loss hit home, and I often thought of you and Ruby, wishing I could do more to help (donating what little I could to your friend's fundraising efforts just didn't seem enough).
What a brave, inspirational person you are to channel your grief into a such an admirable project. Ruby has a hell of a mum to look up to. The pain will always be there, you'll always have this scar, but it WILL get easier to cope with each day, especially with the precious gift he gave you in Ruby.
It's all well and good to say reach out and get help, but sometimes people do reach out and don't get any help. People talk about in the comments about not taking a loved one home the day after they've attempted suicide, or taking them to hospital if they are suicidal etc, but sadly we live in a country where suicidal people are turned from emergency psychiatric help every single day by the dozens. I have had post natal depression, my first husband had depression with repeated suicidal threats, I have family and friends who have attempted suicide and I was a psych nurse until earlier this year when I got sick of how some colleagues treated patients (behind their back and to their faces). I watched so many people be turned away from hospitals after begging for help. Ironically they slap ITOs on people who don't need help, and those who desperately need it are denied any sort of help. I have seen colleagues turn away people they admit they knew were going to go home and seriously injure themselves and be back in a few hours needing medical care. And that doesn't even go into what has happened to family and friends in other states - people with a history of nearly dying from suicide attempts told by psych staff in emergency to just go away and kill themselves. Being discharged from hospital by the psych staff after suicide attempts before the person was even medically safe to be discharged. People say don't let their loved ones come home even if they beg? It's the opposite... family begged and pleaded with staff to admit the person who attempted suicide and yet staff still turned them away... even before our family member could walk they were still so unwell from the suicide attempt (had to be taken wheelchair). And what can you do? if you don't take your family member and leave, staff call security and if security tell the psych staff to stop being stupid and admit the person, police are then called to escort the unwell person and family out instead.
I have lost dear friends to suicide and I have nearly lost many more friends and family who have attempted suicide. And you know what? EVERY single one of them had asked for help first. EVERY single one of them had gone to hospital and begged to be admitted and said they were suicidal and needed help desperately with their depression. And yet they were ignored.
The problem isn't lack of beds (although that is a problem). The problem is in many hospitals (not all, but most) even when there are a dozen empty beds, they will still turn suicidal people away. The problem is too many arrogant psychiatrists just label suicidal people as attention seekers and turn them away no matter how unwell they are and most of these people go on to attempt suicide and some die.
The problem isn't about not asking for help. The problem is too many people ask for help and get a slap in the face instead.