7 things that people who are lactose intolerant but still eat chocolate know to be true.

You know what you call someone who knows chocolate will make them sick but eats it anyway because it’s yum?

Brave.

You call them brave.

You see, people living with lactose intolerance fall into one of two camps.

The first can be summarised as: It’s worth it. 

The second, simply as: It’s never f*cking worth it. 

I’ve never personally met anyone in the latter camp mostly because they don’t exist.

The six health benefits of eating chocolate. Post continues after video. 

I am obviously part of the former, mostly due to chocolate, but also because of things such as cheese, ice cream, yogurt, butter, all baked goods including cookies and brownies and cake, and various salad dressings.

These are the five things you absolutely know to be true if lactose makes you nearly die, but you eat it – without question – every time it is placed in front of you.

Ahem.

1. Pain. You know pain.

Deep in your gut. It feels like regret and shame and also like intestines that don’t know how to digest lactose effectively.

It’s different to normal pain because in this case it’s 100 per cent, objectively, without a doubt, your fault. And all you can do is wait it out.

You look six to eight months pregnant for the next few hours, and it feels like your baby is made of knives and explosive devices constantly detonating.

2. The comments from passive aggressive onlookers.

“I thought you were lactose intolerant” is a very rude thing to say to someone with lactose intolerance.

For some reason family and friends insist on reminding you of what happened last time, which sounds unrelated and also like none of their business.

3. The assessment of the toilet situation.

I shan’t go into it, but you need to know where the toilet is and if it is occupied. For later. 

4.  The looks people give you when you start complaining about it.

Just because it’s my fault doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

5. Nothing… not even a body in trauma, feels as bad as not being able to eat chocolate.

The justification, after the fact, is necessary to get through the profound level of discomfort.

6. Googling ‘can eating lactose everyday even though you’re intolerant cause long term damage yes or no’.

I’m pretty sure it’s fine and won’t erode your stomach lining or anything but to be honest, I’m not certain.

7. Milkshakes are where the line is. No one crosses that line. That would just be irresponsible.

No one with lactose intolerance touches milkshakes.

We’re not idiots for goodness sake.

Are you lactose intolerant? And do you also love chocolate? Let us know in the comments below.