Kirralee’s 36-year-old partner has been charged with one count of murder. One count.
A few weeks ago, Kirralee Dugo excitedly updated her Facebook status: “Omg…..just got all clear from the Drs today and were proud to say that we’re having a healthy baby GIRL!!!!!”.
“I couldn’t believe that she said the words its a girl lol sooooo exactly what I wanted to hear….”
Just six weeks later, Kirralee was found dead in her home by her 16-year-old son. She had been stabbed in what police have described as a “frenzied attack”.
Kirralee’s teenage son will never recover from what he found that night. His aunt has asked him to stop talking about it: ” “I had his other brothers here too and they didn’t need to hear that…It was just the way he was trying to tell me what he saw … It was just going through his head — the way he saw his mum.”
Kirralee’s 36-year-old partner has been charged with one count of murder. One count.
No charges could be laid over the death of Kirralee’s unborn daughter. The little girl that was so desperately longed for, the little girl whose life was already cause for celebration, months before she was even born, isn’t a victim of a crime because (according to NSW law) she never had the chance to draw breath outside the womb.
The thing about the law is that it works when circumstances are clear cut. But things rarely are. So we try and force complex situations into the confines of some very blunt and rudimentary rules.
In this area, like many others: The law is an ass.
The law would be able to understand if we decide to say that Kirralee’s daughter is a person. But if Kirralee’s daughter was a person, then other foetuses would also be people. This is a problem because there are foetuses who need to be terminated for important, legal reasons. If we change the law to ensure that all foetuses are people, we will run the risk of making doctors and mothers into criminals, even if that was never our intention.
Kirralee’s daughter was not a person and it would be unhelpful and perverse if we try to change the law to make her a person.
But that doesn’t mean she was not real. It doesn’t mean that she was not desperately loved and wanted. It doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a future that has now been stolen.
And it also doesn’t mean we can’t mourn her – in the same way that we will mourn for her mother, and the same way that we will mourn for her 16-year-old brother, who will now live his life under the shadow of a violent act that he can never forget and that his loved ones are asking him to hold inside.
Pregnant women are at risk in this country. It’s rarely discussed, but pregnant women are at a higher risk of violence from their partners. One third of women who have experienced family violence had their first incident when they were pregnant. The risk is even higher if the pregnancy is unplanned.
Women are especially vulnerable during this period because they feel that they can’t leave. They are emotionally and financially invested in staying with their partner, despite the violence. Their partner may make promises about a new start. They might that this time, with this child, things will be different. Women stay because they need to believe that is true.
But so often it isn’t.
When you read about the death of Kirralee and her daughter this week, remember: Even if the law doesn’t know how to deal with it, we will all remember Kirralee and her family. And we will remember the baby girl she will never hold, but whom she loved so much.
If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. It doesn’t matter where you live, they will take your call and, if need be, refer you to a service closer to home.