Kim Kardashian has released the world's weirdest, and raunchiest, Valentine's Day gift guide.

Are you running low on Valentine’s Day ideas?

Do you have a modest budget?

Did you already gift your significant other a present this morning, realise they didn’t like it, laugh, pretend it was a “joke present” and swear to get something better by tonight?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, the Kim Kardashian Valentine’s Day gift guide is…. not for you.

(I’m sorry. Really, I am. Especially for you, joke-present guy. You’ve got a tough day ahead.)

The thing is, as far as we can ascertain, Kim Kardashian Valentine’s Day gift guides aren’t for… anyone.

Are Kim’s suggestions worse that these terrible Valentine’s Day gifts? You decide…

Despite claiming to cater to men (For Him), women (For Her) and the rabbit you’re hiding in your apartment that your landlord doesn’t know about (Behind Closed Doors), none of the presents seem appropriate for real people.

For example, this diamonte choker: the perfect Valentine’s gift, if you’re dating a 13-year-old girl in 1998.

Not sure what to get your partner? Just hit them with this sex crop until they shut up and stop bothering you. (A steal at $50).

Stuck in a relationship rut? How about a round of Let’s F**k – The XXX Board Game? According to the instructions, “You and your lover use the spinner to make your way around the game board performing raunchy and seductive foreplay actions on each other. When one of your markers reaches the bed, the winner uses the spinner and you both start f*cking in the position the arrow points to.”

What a rollercoaster ride! Hope you have your sex crop handy!

For those wanting a bit of champers on their special night, Kim suggests a cracking open $14,250 bottle of Armand de Brignac champagne. As you do.

But I don’t want to criticise Kim’s Valentines choices too harshly: after all, this $5,120 Yeezy leather and lambskin jacket, designed by Kanye West, is truly the perfect gift for anyone who’s married to Kanye West.

Would you buy anything from Kim Kardashian’s gift guide?