'I was first put on a diet at 11 years old.' How do we talk to our kids about body image?

My eldest son turned 12 in September, and as he edges ever closer to becoming a teenager, his interest in how he looks and presents to the world has changed. 

While he still loves sport, learning, and his friendships, he also wants rippling abs and to be big, tall, and strong.

I am sure there are many reasons for this. He is subject to as many external messages about his body as I am about mine. Think of Marvel superheroes (even the cartoon versions), international soccer stars, and YouTube celebrities. It's all about the broad shoulders, biceps, and a tight six-pack.

Watch: Taryn Brumfitt on embracing your body. Post continues below. 

At home, we try to eat a varied diet and promote an active lifestyle. During lockdown, I encouraged both my sons to join me in exercising online with personal trainers like Joe Wicks.

Whether this period of lounge room jump squats amplified his obsession with 'keeping fit', I don't really know. But I also know that my son is not alone within his peer group of wanting to look physically buff before starting high school. 

My son's wish to be fit and healthy is okay, but I am hyper aware of why focusing on how your body looks, as opposed to what it does, can be problematic.

I grew up immersed in the 1990s diet and fitness culture, and shedding its influence is hard. For years I looked in the mirror and hated my body for never being thin 'enough'. Now at 43, I theoretically understand why I felt this way, but it doesn't mean I can completely let my food and size related guilt go. 

I have tried not to focus on my how my body looks in front of my boys, and instead focus on trying to eat well and stay active. But it is a fine line to tread and I have undoubtedly made mistakes. 

Was getting up early to go to the gym setting a good example, or was it just showing that I was obsessed about how I looked? We are all subject to so many mixed messages about our health and it's difficult to get it right, especially for our kids.

I spoke to dietitian and 'Nude Nutritionist' Lyndi Cohen for her strategies on how to raise healthy, happy kids. Lyndi is also a mum with a personal experience of disordered eating.

"By age five, I was aware that my body was different from the other girls in my ballet class," Lyndi, the host of the No Wellness Wankery podcast, recalls.

Even the cartoons have muscles in 2022. Image: Supplied.

"By the time I reached 11, a nutritionist put me on my first diet which taught me to measure out my food. I became obsessed with calories, how much I was 'allowed' to eat, and my weight. It really set me up to have a turbulent relationship with food."

After studying nutrition at university, Lyndi realised that food is so much more that what you weigh or simply 'calories in and calories out'.

"Now everything I do is to help people avoid disordered eating. I want to help parents raise healthy kids who like their bodies and who they are. For too long we've been sold the idea that you have to be thin in order to be healthy. And that's just not the case."

Lyndi says the most important thing parents can do is to role model a healthy relationship with eating and exercising in a way that puts the focus on enjoyment, but also shows love for our bodies.

"Exercise is allowed to feel hard, and it's okay to sweat. But it should be something that we do because we like our bodies, not because we hate them.

"Kids need to feel and see that exercise is enjoyable because we like how it makes us feel afterwards, not something we do because we feel regretful about what we've eaten. When we say things like, 'Oh I'm really going to have to go to the gym tomorrow because I shouldn't have eaten that', we're equating exercise with something that we must do to 'earn' our food."

As our kids grow up, it's easy to forget how to play. Lyndi says parents should aim to equate fun with physical activity.

"I think it's healthy to encourage daily movement, even just using the word 'movement' as opposed to exercise is a start. What's the difference between riding your bike for leisure and fun, versus sitting on a cycle machine at the gym? We need to help them retain the joy in physical activity from early childhood so encourage team sports, outdoor games, and even just taking the dog for a walk."

Listen to Mamamia's podcast for parents of teens, Help! I Have A Teenager. Post continues below.   

Lyndi says the same message goes for food and being aware of the language we use and the nuance around saying things like 'forbidden', 'treat', or 'naughty' foods.

"There's a real focus in the nutrition world to obsess about negative nutrients and the things we have to cut out of our diets. What we want to do instead is help kids focus on the foods we want to eat more of, because they're great. It's having a conversation around variety, as opposed to which food is bad for us."

"I would also avoid calling out things like calories, energy, or whether something has too much sugar. We want kids to be intuitive with their food. As parents, we feel the need to control what our kids eat and say things like, 'You ate too much sugar', or 'You've had too many chocolates'. And I think [as they get older], it's only so helpful. 

"We want to teach our kids self regulation around these foods so that they can say, 'I actually don't feel like eating too much chocolate. I don't love how it makes me feel', as opposed to, 'I shouldn't eat chocolate because it's bad for me'."

Helping kids to use their intuition is a great idea for both food and exercise. As someone who was made to go to the gym, Lyndi says it left her feeling very resentful about exercise for many years.

"I have a client who talks about how her daughter has a disordered relationship with exercise and how she realises she contributed to that by forcing her daughter to go on walks with her. When I was forced to go to the gym, it made me feel as if exercise was a punishment. That's the fundamental thing we're trying to avoid with our kids."

As parents, Lyndi says another important thing to be aware of is how we talk about our own bodies in front of our kids so that we can avoid passing our food and body related issues on to them.

"We've been handing down disordered eating, generation to generation, for many decades now. Our parents didn't understand body positivity, so they didn't know that what they were doing or saying was damaging to us. There's interesting research on how mothers and daughters bond over weight loss and diets. We share tips and tricks around what not to eat, which is almost a way for women to connect.

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"A lot of clients tell me how they went to Weight Watchers with their mum or aunty. We want to make connections with our kids and talk about feeling good, but we don't want nutrition and exercise to occupy too much space in their brains. It's a trademark of someone with disordered eating that calorie counting or reps in the gym takes up too much of their headspace. We don't want that for our kids."

Lyndi says we need to bring the focus back to food as nourishment or celebration, and we need make sure the extended family are on board to help.

"Create an environment where you have a mix of healthy foods in your house and don't ban all junk food. Don't even refer to it as 'treat food' because that can kind of give it a superpower feel. We want kids to have a neutral, happy relationship with these foods. 

"Sometimes a grandparent with their own hangups about weight might not be the best role model, so try to recruit them as allies to help you foster an extended family approach to positive body image."

Finally, Lyndi says it's important that we try not to talk too much about how anyone looks and to just keep our thoughts and opinions to ourselves.

"As parents, we need to reinforce the message that our kids have so many attributes beyond how they look. Never comment on how our kids' bodies look physically, whether good or bad.

"We might say, 'Oh you're looking really skinny', or we make these inauthentic comments about appetite. We don't want to give them a complex that they have a crazy big appetite or that unintentional weight loss is a good thing. It is better to just not comment on them or their friends' weight or even how the TV news anchor looks. 

"Success is not simply determined by how tall you are or how much muscle you have. We have to help kids to see that we are all so much more than how we look."

Lyndi’s new book 'Your Weight Is Not The Problem' offers more strategies on how to help raise healthy kids who also like themselves and is now available for pre-order here.

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Getty.