It’s Thursday morning in Kensington Palace and staff begin to drop their dusters, shuffling from the corridors with haste as the whispers begin to circulate. Kate Middleton is on the move.
Stepping away from her laptop, Kate has just discovered that she – the Duchess, the wife of the heir to the throne of Britain, the mother of two of the most adored children on earth – is not filling the news feed of countless humans around the world for the third week in a row.
All the palace staff will tell you, it's been this way since the news of Prince Harry dating "the American" broke.
And now, all people want to know about is Meghan Markle's family and career and Harry's intentions and what their official combination couple name will be.
"Marry" hardly works, because the younger Prince is known to be a commitmentphobe, but "Hegan" sounds too rough; too Scottish.
But whatever the outcome, Kate is not happy.
Where are the articles about George's socks? Why doesn't anyone care about Charlotte's bows anymore? Kate's fascinators? Her ability to carry a spade while still looking regal?
Storming through the Victorian double doors, Kate glares at a butler before making her way to her preferred chaise lounge. Sighing, she lights a tobacco-free cigarette and takes a long, stress-filled drag.
"It all comes down to strategy, Giles," she says to the butler who's actually named Arthur.
"We've got to find a way to get Back.On.Top" she says emphasising the final point of her sentence by tapping her tobacco-free cigarette down on the rim of an ashtray once gifted to the Queen by the Shah of Iran.