"The Kardashians are trying to make the 'fancy tracksuit' a thing. Not on my watch."

Once upon a time, youthful arrogance allowed me to believe that I could carry off absurd fashion.

Like the models in the magazines, I believed that I too could rock a bowl cut, or platform Doc Martens, or a bodysuit with no bra.

But now that I am am older and more cognisant of my sartorial shortcomings, I am fully aware that attempting high fashion leaves me looking less like a British It Girl – and more like I’d just forgotten to take my meds.

So it was with great glee this morning that I announced that I WILL NOT CONDONE THE FANCY TRACKSUIT TREND.

NO SIR.

Not on my watch.

@KimKardashian is crazy for fur! Read more at PerezHilton.com/KimKardashian or go to http://goo.gl/yPPWTs

A photo posted by PerezHilton.com (@perezhilton) on Jan 16, 2017 at 2:31pm PST

It wasn’t long ago that we looked to the likes of Anna Wintour or Suzy Menkes for fashion cues.

But in the age of Instagram, we regard the almighty Kardashian Oracle for the newest trends. And this week, it’s all about tracksuits: fancy tracksuits.

After what we can only imagine was an urgent memo from Kris Jenner, both Kim and her protégé Kylie were snapped wearing Fancy Tracksuit Pants.

Speaking of the Kardashians, Khloe has a new show. And we have some feels about it this week on The Binge podcast:

Kim’s were grey marle, worn with a plan white tee, cream fur jacket, and sky-high Yeezy heels. Kylie’s were black velour, high waisted, and encrusted with a goddamn crystal Juicy Couture logo on the butt.

Yeah, cool, you’re thinking. That’s their new thing. Fancy Tracksuit Pants. That’s chill.

But what you forget is that in just a matter of weeks, you too will be squeezing into a pair of high waisted tracksuit pants and trying your hardest not to look like 2002 Britney Spears on a Sunday at the KFC drive-thru.

????

A photo posted by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on Jan 16, 2017 at 4:18pm PST

I am not a stranger to a tracksuit pant, friends.

As a teen in Brisbane, we actually took great pride in dressing up revolting wardrobe items.

Ugg boots were worn with denim shorts, Maseur sandals paired with a summer dress, Bonds chesty singlets a perfect offset to a ruffled skirt. And don’t even get me started on the Avril-Lavigne-styled-flannelette-shirt… from Big W.

Bogan fashion is not a new thing, folks: but nor is it asking for a revival. And yet that is precisely what the Fancy Tracksuit Pant is edging towards.

Thank you to my boo bear @monicarosestyle for finding me this dope ass ALL sequined @ashish_uk tracksuit! I’m in love ????????????

A photo posted by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on Jan 12, 2017 at 7:30pm PST

Let us take a moment to reflect on where the tracksuit pant actually came from.

Trackie dacks were invented by the founder of Le Coq Sportif, Émile Camuset, in the 1920s.

He was looking for a trouser that he could easily exercise in, and so manufactured a prototype with an elastic waist, and loose jersey material – a style that has remained pretty much unchanged until today.

Over the years, the sweatpant has been adopted by several social subsets, for varying reasons.

Athletes love sweatpants to like, sweat in. Mothers like them because they hide your entire lower half and feel like you’re wearing a bed. Male university students have adopted them as they mask a variety of stains and your genitals bounce around in them like a pinball machine.

In recent times, the tracksuit pant underwent an ill-fated makeover, as Juicy Couture made them tight, flared, velour, and embellished on the rear. Even Paris Hilton tried to make fetch happen, but ultimately failed.

The tracksuit pant was destined for a life of sportswear, leisurewear, or hiding-from-society-wear.

Who’s watching @revengebody tonight on E! ?! I know I am ????

A photo posted by Kylie (@kyliejenner) on Jan 12, 2017 at 5:49pm PST

But sometime in the last few weeks at Kardashian HQ, the humble tracksuit pant was brought to the table.

“Right, girls, it’s time to shake things up,” said Kris with a wink.

“We’ve done full body spanx, we’ve done perspex stripper heels, and by george we’ve done wigs. So I have something else in mind.”

Out came the tracksuit pants.

“Kim, we’re giving yours a Whitney Houston post-bender vibe,” Kris said as she threw the grey marle numbers across the table.

“Kylie, yours are a spin on the old favourite.”

And like that, their evil plan was born.

Fur and Sweatpants ????. #foxfur #sweatpants #kimkardashian

A photo posted by @monde_de_selinas on Jan 17, 2017 at 1:18pm PST

I was told when I was younger that tracksuit pants are bad for morale. And I agree.

The tracksuit pant is a transformative item. Just as a push-up bra busts your bust outwards in a Dolly Parton pop, the trackie dack slumps you into hangover-zone. You shuffle. You force down another Pop Tart. You decide that the t-shirt with the pasta stain is fine to walk to the shops in.

So, pray tell, how are we meant to welcome these elastic-waisted horrors into the halls of high fashion?

If I wear tracksuit pants, high heels, and a fur to work, people are going to ask if I’m OK. And then escort me outside to have a chat. And then ask if I’ve been to bed yet.

Thus far, the Kardashians have managed to give low-brow fashion items a high-brow makeover. From bike pants to tummy-huggers, the harem of heavily contoured sisters are magicians when it comes to bad fashion.

But I am drawing the line: Fancy Tracksuit Pants cannot, and will not, become a thing.

Please, Kris. Take it back. Make it safe again.