‘I don't have siblings, so I assume that every family has Kardashian-level drama at all times.’

There are so many things I don't know because I'm an only child.

I've never been mildly bullied by a sibling in a public setting. I've never experienced jealousy deep in my core when a brother gets a better bedroom than me. I've never felt competitive pride for leaping over the bar set by my sister in exam results. I've never had to fight over leftovers. I've never got angry that one sibling gets a different set of rules to another. I've never had a buddy that has to hang out with me because we're family. I've never had someone to bitch about my parents to, who really knows what it's like. I've never had group chat with siblings panic organising birthday presents for Mum because we definitely forgot it was April, again.

I haven't had any of that. I've just been me, waddling through life alone, trying comprehend what it would feel like to have brothers and sisters.

And then I turned the telly on. And there were the Kardashians.

Watch the trailer for season four of The Kardashians right here. Post continues after video.

Obviously, this family needs no introduction – as they are a collective gene pool of the most famous people on the planet – but when I first laid eyes on the dynasty, I was in awe.

Not because of their obscene wealth. Not because they were changing beauty standards across the globe. No, no. I was glued to the screen because I knew this was the perfect snoop into sibling dynamics.

They were slapping each other, playing pranks, bitching behind each other's backs and supporting each other during every milestone – good, bad, or ugly. Particularly during the divorced-in-72-days brand of ugly.

I got to witness what happened when a sister hated her sibling's significant other – remember that time Kim and Khloé despised Scott Disick and recommended Kourtney break up with him? And then we saw that dynamic shift to one of support and genuine friendship with Scott once Kourtney ignored all their advice and had a baby with him.

I got to see what happened when all the siblings went on holiday together and pissed each other off. Multiple times. Who got to nab the best room? Who didn't want to go on a boat trip, and why? Who lost their diamond earring in the ocean and had a meltdown and was then trolled by their own family about their aforementioned meltdown? 

All serious investigative questions from an only child on the outside, looking in.

But perhaps the greatest example of sibling f**kery is yet to come, if the trailer for season four of The Kardashians is anything to go by.

To set the scene, Kourtney's wedding to Travis Barker has just taken place. If you missed that whole palaver, the main point you need to get across is this: the whole wedding was tailored by Dolce & Gabbana and hosted at either Dolce and/or Gabbana's house with an after-party on their boat too. There were Ds and also Gs everywhere. 

Kourtney was quick to defend that the wedding wasn't explicitly #sponsored by D&G – but to most sensible human eyes, it certainly looked that way. 

But it seems that we shouldn't be pointing our waggling #sponcon fingers at Kourtney, but instead at her baby sister Kim. Because Kourtney is cheesed off with her. In a way that I can only assume siblings can be cheesed off at one another. 

In the trailer for the new season, Kourtney says: "My sister used my wedding as a business opportunity. It's who she is to her core."

And when you look through the public receipts, the timings are a bit dubious. 

You see, shortly after Kourtney and Travis tied the knot, Kim became the new face of Dolce & Gabbana. She walked the catwalk for them at Milan Fashion Week. She fronted their spring/summer campaign. She dyed her hair icy blonde and went all old-school Italian bombshell for a hot minute.  

Which, in human talk, means she was getting boatloads of money from D&G. 

And Kourtney believes that Kim used her wedding to leverage that sweet, sweet fashion house money. 

I am aware that not every family has Dolce & Gabbana deals on the line, but this level of drama could be deployed across the most 'normal' of fams, right?

Because D&G was her thing. It was Kourtney's designer. Kim had Balmain and Balcienga and a few other ones that may or may not have begun with B too... so why was she sniffing around Kourtney's fave designer?

I'm sure the same thing could be boiled down to competitive siblings who end up working in the same industry? Or who steal another's hobby and are categorically better at it than them? 

It's rivalry, right? Just with really fancy clothes?

This interaction between the two oldest Kardashian sisters, I'm sure, will just add to my inventory of 'things that genuinely happen between sisters all over the world'. 

Because that's what the Kardashians are to me: a blueprint of what it's like to have brothers and sisters.

Even if their lives are wildly different to mine. Even if I'll never be sponsored by Dolce & Gabbana, both professionally or for my very expensive wedding. Even if I am massively off the mark and this isn't how siblings are at all – they are all I have to base my suspicions on. 

Because no one tells only children anything. They're weird. And lonely, And watch too much TV. 

Listen to this episode of The Spill, where Kee and Laura discuss Kim Kardashian in detail:

Image: Disney+, E! + Mamamia.