'This is my skeleton.' Before proposing to his wife, Jonathan Seidler emailed her father.

The following is an excerpt from It's a Shame About Ray -  an extraordinary and powerful memoir about family, love and the power of music, by Jonathan Seidler.

In 2019, Jonathan Seidler wanted to propose to the love of his life, Keren. After asking her father Aryeh's permission, he sent the following email. 

Content warning: This story mentions suicide that could be distressing to some readers.

From: Jonathan Seidler To: Aryeh Tal

18 July 2019.

Dear Aryeh,

Thank you so much for taking the time to see me today, and I’m overjoyed that you approve of the question I’ll be asking your incredible daughter on Friday.

However, as I sit on the train back to London, it occurs to me that I haven’t been entirely straight with you—and that this isn’t how I want to start a new chapter of my life.

When we had lunch, you mentioned ‘skeletons in closets’. I believe you were making sure I had nothing to hide, which is obviously a hangover from Keren’s previous relationship. I don’t blame you for asking the question.

She’s very important to you and you do not want to see her hurt.

With that in mind, I want to tell you about my skeleton. Keren is aware of this and may have discussed it with you, but it’s also entirely possible that she hasn’t. I believe—as do my family—that too many lives are ruined by a lack of transparency and honesty between families. As you are soon going to be my family, I think it should only be fair that you are aware of what I bring to this partnership.

So. I have bipolar disorder. Specifically, I have bipolar II disorder, which is the less severe version. That being said, it is an illness and it is real. It’s also hereditary.

I bring this up with you for two reasons. Firstly, my father had depression, and nobody in his family ever told my mother before they got married. She had to find out the hard way, and it’s to her credit that she managed to raise a huge family and have a happy marriage until my father passed away. You may also be aware that my father died by suicide, or perhaps you are not. These things are related, but thankfully unique to his condition, which was different from my own.

The biggest issue of my father’s generation is that men did not talk about their feelings. I’m exceptionally lucky that my lot has learned from their mistakes. But that means telling you that I am not always perfect. There are days when I am not well. Sometimes I get depressed, and occasionally it’s very bad. Sometimes I am up, sometimes I am down. There are lots of people like me out there. You probably know a few among your friends in Israel. We are larger than life people and we love life. It can get too much for us on occasion, but luckily for me I have many outlets to talk about it, including Keren.

I’ve been on stable medication for a decade and have not had any serious episodes lately. I’ve had regular psychological check-ins since my early 20s. But that’s not the point.

A skeleton is still a skeleton and this is mine. I want to give you the full knowledge that nobody gave my parents (or my parents’ parents), because love without complete honesty is a promise not worth the paper it’s written on.

I apologise for not telling you in person, but I’m here to talk about it any time you like.

I want you to know that I have been happier in the past year than I have since I was a teenager. That I feel safe and secure and happy with Keren, and that she is, as you said, the most loyal and wonderful person I could have wished for. I think the two of us together are unstoppable and that we can help each other through anything. I have few doubts that we will be together for as long as we are alive. We are a stupendously great match.

Finally, it’s also been fantastic getting to know you better, because the more time I spend with you the more you remind me of my father. Like you, he was a wonderfully warm man with lots of friends and an incredible ear for music. I have missed him so much during this process, but with you I feel significantly less alone.

I look forward to celebrating next week as your official son-in-law,

Yours, Jonathan.

Image: Booktopia.

This is an edited extract from It’s a Shame About Ray by Jonathan Seidler, available now.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: Supplied.