We often hear about postnatal depression and how it affects women as they enter the all-encompassing weeks and months following the birth of their baby.
Less talked about is antenatal depression which affects 10-15 per cent of women who experience symptoms during their pregnancy.
For Jessie Stephens, during the period in her life that was meant to be the happiest, she felt complete sadness.
During an episode of Mamamia's No Filter podcast, the 32-year-old opened up to Mia Freedman about what it was like experiencing antenatal depression while pregnant with her first child.
Watch: Jessie Stephens opens up about her battle with anxiety and depression on No Filter podcast. Post continues after video.
Ahead of the release of her second book, Something Bad is Going to Happen, celebrating her wedding to Luca and preparing to expand her family, the journalist began to realise something wasn't right when people made comments about how happy she must be feeling. When in reality, she was feeling anything but.
"It was a complete numbness. And that's when you know things are bad. You're going, 'you dreamed of this,'" she said. "There were situations like career things where I went, 'this is all you ever wanted' And now you are in it, and you can't feel it."
Despite all the exciting professional and personal things going on in her life, Jessie felt like she was "chasing the mirage of, of what happiness looks like." She began to wonder if she could ever feel the highs that were going on around her.
"It's a complete numbness and inability to kind of access any feeling, like I was going through this period, and there was a lot of work stuff going on. And the amount of times people would go, 'you feeling nervous?', and I would go, 'I feel like there are no nerves, because there are no feelings,'" she said. "I am just this robot who shows up and does what I meant to do. And there is no variation in emotion."
At her lowest points her antenatal depression materialised into thoughts where she believed she was a burden on the loved ones who were supporting her.
"You're not only sucking the life out of you, but out of everyone around you, you managed to make everything negative and everything bad," she recalled. "And who would want to be around that? That's how it can feel sometimes, and then when people do stick around, and help you just feel so indebted. But I think that's also where the push comes from, where you actually just start going 'maybe I should leave Luca, or maybe I should let him leave because I'm making his life really bad right now.'"
Having experienced depression and anxiety throughout her life, Jessie knew she had to do something to make a change. In order to manage her antenatal depression she sought the help of her psychologist and adjusted her medication.
"I had to readjust my medication and go back and see my psychologist a lot," she said.
But even though she had accessed professional medical help for mental health issues in the past, she still felt a level of shame around coming forward with her symptoms of antenatal depression.
"I felt so embarrassed mentioning it to my midwife or to my obstetrician, because they must see people coming in all the time, just like so excited," she said. "I just felt so embarrassed to bring it up."
After speaking to her medical team she was reassured that she did the best thing for herself and her baby in seeking help. Even though she has a predisposition for experiencing postnatal depression, Jessie knows that she has the strength and resilience to face whatever may come her way.
"People also get better. And I've seen that first hand this year as well. And while there might be relapses and stuff, there are a lot of people who have had experiences of depression, anxiety, and they live very happy, healthy lives," she said. "It is not this death sentence. I will live with this every day and trudge through."
On July 2 Jessie gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Luna. In an Instagram post she wrote, "I spoke on No Filter this week (recorded a few days before I gave birth) about how terrified I was about the postpartum period. I was so worried about my mental health, feeding, sleep, recovery from the birth, which are all... legitimate concerns. If I could go back two weeks and tell myself something it would be: You have SO MUCH to look forward to."
When faced with our biggest fears, life has a way of showing us the beauty and light just when we need it most.
To learn more about Jessie's interview with Mia, listen to No Filter below.
Feature Image: Instagram @jessiestephens90.
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