Scattered in amongst all the advertising and the health information, are the stories of thousands of women.
Stories of women who are absolutely desperate to have a child. Stories of women who have found joy with the success of IVF.
Stories of women who are still hoping beyond all hope that on the next roll of the dice their numbers will come up.
What’s harder to find are the stories of the women who stopped trying.
Perhaps, because when you have spent thousands of dollars and countless hours of hope and then disappointment, into trying to make a dream into reality – you rarely want to talk about how it feels when the happy ending doesn’t happen.
Modern medicine has done amazing things for women’s health and fertility. But how often do we stop to consider the effect these advances have on the mental state of the women who don’t get pregnant?
Journalist Wendy Squires wrote recently about her close friend’s struggle with IVF:
Wendy Squires
Louisa was a mess. After enduring nine IVF cycles in less than a year, she was so obsessed with trying ”just one more time” for a baby that she hid her last two attempts from her closest friends and family – even her husband.
Her abdomen was a blast of angry pinpricks from hormone injections; she had put on eight hated kilos, was clinically depressed and had forgotten a time when sex was fun.
She was also broke, having re-mortgaged to keep up with the expensive procedures (minus the government rebate, the average cost for a cycle is $3000). Her relationship was suffering and career neglected.
But perhaps the saddest fact is that Louisa entered into every cycle of IVF aware that at her age – 46 – her chance of conceiving was a fraction of 1 per cent. Not great odds when compounded with her history of endometriosis and the fact she had never become pregnant naturally.
Louisa’s story is not uncommon. Most women have a story to share about IVF – if not about themselves, then about a friend, an aunt, a sister, a cousin. But here’s the thing. If Louisa were your friend, what would you say to her?
Would you back her to the hilt? Would you encourage her to try and try and try again; to keep fighting for what she wants so badly? Or do you break the news to this person who you love, that the pain she is putting herself through is no longer worth the ever-dwindling chance of success?
Wendy made that call. She counseled Louisa to stop. But when she hears about IVF success stories or against-the-odds celebrity pregnancies (like this one) they make her wonder whether she did the right thing. Wendy writes:
And here lies the big emotional hurdle with IVF – it is a numbers game. It’s like buying lottery tickets – not such a silly idea if you win…
Ask any woman over 40 why she doesn’t have children and there will be a back-story, often a painful one. I am no different. But I have a deeply felt opinion that children are not a given in life – they are a gift. And that sadly, despite how much a child is desired, it is simply not every woman’s lot or luck in life to reproduce.
…I do want other women struggling with fertility to know that it does get better, that the yearning does abate, that it won’t plague your every waking moment as it does now. Promise.
What advice would you give a friend who had been trying IVF for a sustained period but having no success? At what point is it okay for you to stop being the supportive friend and start being the realistic one? Have you been through IVF? What was your experience?
Top Comments
I don't think it's ever the right time to tell anyone to stop with IVF. But you can and should be mindful of what kind of support you give.
I'm in a support group for women who are trying to conceive after experiencing ectopic pregnancy. It's a great group in so many ways, a little safe haven from the world that doesn't really understand pregnancy loss, especially this rather traumatic type that frequently results in women having to agree to surgeries and treatments that save their lives but abort their babies (unviable babies, it's true, but it still messes with you to have to make that choice).
We had a member for years who was trying IVF. She was in her late forties, using donor eggs, and doing cycle after cycle. The women in the group kept encouraging her with phrases like, "your time will come!", or "I just know this time it will stick!" and telling her how brave she was. And I think she was brave, at 46, 47, 48, to be putting herself through this. But her last cycle failed just before she turned 50, when most places will no longer treat you because your chances of success have dwindled to such a tiny fraction of a percent that it's just cruel to keep your hopes up. She was a mess, an absolute mess. She had been such an outgoing, happy, cheerful person, and now she was clinically depressed, resentful of her husband whom she had used to love so much, felt robbed and had lost most of her motivation to do anything with her life. She was also broke. I don't know how her story ended because she left the group and never returned my calls.
I don't think it would have ever occurred to me to counsel her to give up. I can't make a call like that. But I did feel that many of the women in our group were buoying her hopes up without good reason. I used to always wish her luck and tell her I was praying for good news etc, but I never made out that a baby was the inevitable result of her treatments. I would never have been so cruel as to point out just how low her chances of conceiving were, but if we were close friends I may have had the guts to ask her what she thought she might do with her life, if her dream didn't come true. But she was surrounded by yes people everywhere. She admitted it had never occurred to her that she mightn't have a baby.
I think we need to give women like this our reasoned support. There will always be people who beat the odds, but by definition it can't be everyone. It can only be a very few. We shouldn't forget that.
A lot of older women are finding success with donor eggs. I would never be so cruel as to suggests to a friend to give up on ivf. I have been where she is, having been through 6 ivf cycles before trying donor eggs with my husbands sperm and having success on our second attempt with twins. The infertility journey leaves you feeling depressed, isolated and bitter. People need to come to their own terms with the journey and decide for themselves when they've had enough. For myself, my husband and I were trying for 4 years. He never tried to tell me when enough was enough. He gave me enough room to decide for myself and supported me each step. I decided on 3 last attempts with donor eggs and was preparing myself for the event of them not working. I wanted my life back. I took up new hobbies and tried to work really hard on being happy for others who had children. I was blown away when it worked the second time; with twins no less!