In comparison to the heartbreaking aftermath of Sally Faulkner’s separation from her husband, my divorce was a veritable swimming pool filled with chilled champagne on a hot summer’s day. Knowing I had to leave, I walked out the door with my son. My ex allowed that to happen. In the divorce application, my ex, being a solicitor, drew it up himself. I was given full custody of our two year old son, with no defined visitation rights for his father. There was not even a discussion about it.
Another thing we didn’t discuss was what to do with our son’s four “siblings”, who were chilling – literally – in the embryo freezer of the IVF clinic where he had been conceived. I’d read that some couples argue about what to do with embryos after a divorce, but apart from it not even occurring to my ex, it was never an issue to me. I figured there was no point in bringing a child into a family when there was barely a relationship between the father and the existing child.
In any case, at age thirty-two, I felt I still had so much time ahead of me – and hoped that that one day I would be able to fill my massive seven-seat SUV, as I had intended to when I bought it merely months earlier. The potential of this dream was confirmed by my reproductive doctor, who assured me that I would not have any conception issues with a new partner. The doctor also informed me that the clinic’s policy was to not permit a separated or divorced couple to use their embryos – meaning that had I wanted to, I would have had to fight them in court about it.
But as I explained, given our situation, I didn’t think it was the right thing to do. So I got into that seven-seat SUV with its one Turn-a- Tot car seat installed in the middle, and drove home, feeling like the richest woman in the world, with one miracle baby and hope for more in the future.
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We had embryos made very early in our relationship after I had a shock diagnosis of low supply. We had to make specialist appointments to have tests, hear options get counselling and make decisions fast... about us, about what to do, about treatments. We agreed we both believed what we were in the start of a serious long-term relationship (proving correct now). So we did IVF and froze what we made. It has bought us much-needed time for the relationship and our lives to catch up, as we weren't ready to get pregnant then.
Anyway, in the face of doing the IVF and him deciding to go ahead with me, the one question he wanted to know was what would happen to the embryos in the unlikely event we weren't to last? In that instance, he offered generously for me to use them (with him as a donor) as long as he'd have no obligations. The clinic ran us through our options, but said yes, he'd need to go through counselling and paperwork etc to shift from 'father' to 'donor', but that it could be done.
We know now that this won't be the path we take, but at the time it meant everything. Regardless if we had stayed together or split, I'd have embryos to use with him or on my own. Or at least I would know I had done my best to work with the supply of eggs I had at the time, before it was too late. No regrets. The relief was enormous. For the time being, they remain frozen.
I think they ought to be destroyed. It would be wrong to implant one of those embryos without the consent of your ex-husband. At the end of the day, that child would be half his and he ought to be able to withdraw his consent at the end of the marriage, especially as he could be liable for 18 years old child support if one was implanted and a child born.
The article mentions that the clinic would not allow that to happen. He would need to consent.