Is this the oldest dildo in the world? At 28,000 years, we think YES.

German archaeologists have discovered a caveman “marital aid” and we can’t get enough of it.

It’s eight inches long, three centimetres wide and, ahem, rock hard.

Behold the 28,000-year-old sex toy.

Check out how pleased German archaeologist Petra Kieselbach is with her discovery. She gazing with Stone Age dildo awe.

(Okay quick disclaimer, this stone boner was actually discovered in 2005, so the picture is not new.  But that doesn’t make it any less awesome.)

Kieselbach and her team found the phallus buried in a cave in the German mountain range called Swabian Jura.

A woman forgot she had a sex toy lodged in her vagina. For TEN YEARS.

Professor Nicholas Conard of the University of Tübingen in Germany, told the Huff Post the multi-purpose penis would’ve been used as a symbolic representation of male genitalia as well as for “knapping flints”.

What are knapping flint I hear you ask?  Unfortunately it’s not a kinky caveman sex game: knapping flints actually involves banging two rocks together to shape stone in order to manufacture tools. Boring.

When discovered, the tool was shattered into 14 stone fragments, but in an epic game of “the kneebone’s connected to the…”, archaeologists rebuilt the phallus.

Buying sex toys is another thing that Beyonce does better than you.

Oh and we did check, as well as being a manufacturing implement and a penis symbol, scientists think it’s entirely possible (because it’s life sized), the, er, tool might have been used as a sex toy.

And that’s good enough for us!

Did any one else just get a mental image of Wilma Flinstone have a bit of private time?

No?

Oh okay.  As you were…