'My keys kept disappearing and the kids were unfed. It was part of something more sinister.'

Content warning: This article discusses domestic violence.

To the outside world, Adrian's* unconventional jokes would come across as satire. It was Adrian being Adrian, just having a bit of fun.  

But for Jessica*, those jokes were anything but funny. Backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive comments so subtle, that not even the couple's two children picked up on anything untoward. 

Jessica didn't have black eyes, or bruised ribs. She wasn't screamed at in public, or threatened with violence. 

No one saw the financial abuse, or the subtle but purposeful actions used to belittle and control her. 

"I didn’t tell people about what was going on as I was also embarrassed about it," says Jessica. 

"You hide things over time, from little things to big things. Then you are right and royally stuck and kind of blame yourself, and resign yourself to the fact you made your bed, now you have to lie in it."

Watch: Spice Girl Mel B On Domestic Abuse. Article continues after the video.

Adrian constantly made 'jokes' about Jessica's clothes or career, but she knew what he meant. It's just that, no one else did. 

A high achiever at work, Jessica loved her job, and Adrian would often use that passion as a weapon against her. 

"He would take the car or leave the keys in odd places when I needed to be somewhere, and he wanted to disrupt my plans," she says.

Other times, he would "forget" to feed the kids, or the dogs, and then blame Jessica for their hunger if she was late home from work. 

"I was being let down and burdened in purposeful and targeted ways.

"It felt like I was going crazy. I felt bad about myself. And stuck. I was definitely depressed at times and had the two kids and my work."

Jessica is now in court, having finally had the courage to leave, but faces a similar battle. 

"It’s aggressive and I’m finding more things financially that were being hidden and mismanaged. It's degenerated to a new low."

Microaggressions

Jolene Ellat, Chief Executive Officer of Domestic Violence Training and Resource Centre, refers to this type of abuse as microaggressions—controlling patterns of behaviour within an intimate relationship, family dynamic, or post-separation. 

"Being able to recognise these repeated instances of microaggression can bring visibility to the extent of abuse, when in isolation, the event may seem menial or not of importance to the case," says Jolene. 

"These microaggressions can be as small as a look, a verbal comment, a coded phrase, or a change in body posture of an abuser, to less subtle, yet still at times unrecognisable behaviours, such as attending a victim's appointment without consent, indirect communication or bombardment from legal representation, and playing within the 'grey lines' of conduct or protection orders."

Invisible abuse. 

According to Leneen Forde Chair in Child & Family Research, Professor Silke Meyer, subtle signs of abuse are a common tactic of coercive control. 

"They're often invisible or at least less obvious to third parties who are unfamiliar with the nature and extent of abusive behaviours within intimate relationships," Professor Meyer says. 

"These subtle signs may be something as basic as the way in which the perpetrator enters the home after work and for example puts his keys or shoes down. 

"Many adult, as well as child victim survivors, of coercive control describe that they know by the way the perpetrator enters the home which mood he will be in and what to expect. 

"It is used by perpetrators as a scare tactic to keep victim-survivors 'in check' and force them to comply with his demands to avoid the consequences of non-compliance such as an escalation to physical violence."

Microaggressions, such as the silent treatment to a partner or even children, can be used as a subtle form of sexual coercion. 

"Another example of hidden or subtle intimidation tactics are references to past events associated with DFV victimisation," says Professor Meyer. 

"A couple of examples that have always stuck with me… include a scenario where, during mediation in the process of separation, the ex-partner would use references to a previous family holiday location he wanted to be able to take the children to in the future to 'maintain the family memories'. 

"This was highly triggering for the victim-survivor. While the mediator was unaware of this, it referred the victim to memories of a severe assault on her during the holiday, which caused an emotional state for her that rendered her unable to negotiate during the mediation process."

Another example was an ex-partner who would send his victim flowers on their wedding anniversary with a note saying 'I still remember how beautiful you looked on our wedding day'. 

"When she reported these incidents to police, they were disregarded because of the lack of open threats in them. However, for the victim, the night of her wedding day was associated with a serious assault on her that left her hospitalised."

1 cent bank transfers. 

The only thing limiting an abuser is their imagination, and one way perpetrators have been terrorising victims is by passing on messages via small bank transfers. 

"Perpetrators have used (bank transfers) to send messages to victim-survivors they are otherwise prohibited to have contact," says Professor Meyer. 

This form of abuse has become so common that many banks now have process in place to detect abusive messages. 

NAB told Mamamia it blocks more than 3100 abusive transactions every week by searching for keywords and phrases. The bank has blocked more than 60,000 abusive transactions so far this year. 

"Using banking transactions with abusive messages written in the description is a method perpetrators have used to harass and threaten victims," NAB Head of Customer Vulnerability Sally Siragusa says.

“The team at NAB works hard to make sure digital transactions are not being used as a vehicle for abuse. Our system can instantly recognise special characters and spaces that have been substituted in banned words and phrases."

A devastating impact. 

Victims-survivors who endure subtle abuse and microaggressions often become accustomed to walking on eggshells and may be on high alert more often than not. They may also feel trapped due to the fear of not being believed, or being able to properly articulate what is taking place.

"(This can have) significant impacts on mental health, and physical wellbeing," says Jolene, who emphases that microaggressions can impact children in similar ways, rupturing relationships between a protective parent and child due to the intense and subtle nature of coercive control. 

"Whilst we as a nation look to legislate against coercive control across our jurisdictions and some states doing so, sadly, recognising these subtle forms of abuse is not widely taught or understood. That is why it is crucial to have highly trained professionals who can map these behaviours and form patterns visible to responders and the legal system. In isolation the behaviours seem like nothing, yet when mapped out they form a clear picture of the level of coercive control and ultimately risk to the victim."

DART Institute delivers training to recognise and respond to coercive control and these subtle acts of coercion under their 3-day intensive: Coercive Control Accountability Model (CCAM).

"If we are to ever move beyond a crisis-driven response system, we must have a deeper understanding of covert abuse that sits within coercive control and clear mechanisms to bring visibility to the patterns of behaviour and impacts and ultimately bring visibility to perpetrator behaviours to accurately and actively address."

Victim-survivor, Jessica says while she's continuing to pay the price, she hopes other women become more aware of covert abuse tactics and techniques. 

"Because we are all really now just learning." 

*names have been changed. 

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here.

Feature Image: Getty.