'I woke up one night and he was on top of me.' What we need to know about sexual violence between partners.

Content warning: This story includes descriptions of sexual assault that may be distressing to some readers.

It was in the months leading up to her separation, when she first started to pull away from a marriage that was becoming increasing controlling, that Jodie’s* husband first began sexually assaulting her. 

Jodie had started sleeping in another bedroom – the first step in an attempt to break free. But her husband found a new way to exercise control. 

“I can remember often waking up without my pants on. I had always assumed that I had kicked them off in the night,” Jodie explains.

As their marriage deteriorated further, insomnia took hold, and it was during those sleepless nights that Jodie realised what was happening to her.

“I would hear him get out of bed and walk upstairs and into my bedroom. I would pretend to be asleep, and he would lift the blankets and begin to touch me. I would roll over onto my stomach but that wouldn’t deter him.”

Watch: Breaking the silence – reporting historical sexual assault. Story continues below.

Sometimes she’d tell him to get out, and he would, but the next morning he would gaslight her, making her question what she knew to be true. And he always came back the following night.

“I would ask him about it the next morning and he would deny it. Our whole relationship was centred around me asking him a direct question about something and he would reply with, ‘That didn’t happen.’”

For a long time, Jodie didn’t realise that what she was experiencing was illegal; that it was sexual assault.

When Jodie told her husband she found his sexual behaviour uncomfortable, he put the blame onto her. After all, she was lying “half-naked in bed”, he told her.

“You’re my wife and I find you attractive,” he’d say. “What am I supposed to do?”

Eventually, their relationship broke down and Jodie had had enough.

“I woke up one night and he was on top of me… I felt so uncomfortable and disgusting. I reported this sexual assault to a detective who was empathetic and told me that it was, indeed, a crime.

“I had been afraid to tell anyone – there is a lot of shame around not having control over your own body.

“People think that this kind of behaviour is a way for one partner to connect with another. It is not. It is only on the other side of this relationship that I recognise the behaviour for what it was.”

Why does intimate partner sexual violence often go unreported? 

It’s this confusion and self-doubt, often caused by a combination of shattered confidence, gaslighting and coercive control, that’s resulted in intimate partner sexual violence (IPSV) flying largely under the radar. 

According to new research by Monash University, in conjunction with No To Violence (an organisation working with men to end family violence), there is a significant gap in the identification, assessment and response to intimate partner sexual violence in Australia. 

As part of the study, domestic violence practitioners raised several barriers to identifying intimate partner sexual violence, with one in five reporting that they rarely or never risk-assess for IPSV when conducting standard family violence assessments. 

Two in five practitioners reported that they risk-assess for IPSV perpetration less often than other forms of family violence.

Also raised as barriers to assessing and identifying IPSV were practitioner and perpetrator discomfort around the subject matter, and the limited discussions around sex in society more broadly.

“In Australia, we’ve witnessed increased focus on addressing all forms of domestic, family and sexual violence, yet our study demonstrates that intimate partner sexual violence remains on the periphery in family violence perpetrator interventions,” Nicola Helps, Research Fellow, Monash Gender and Family Violence Prevention Centre wrote in an article about the findings. 

Another complicating factor is victim-survivors’ own inability to identify or acknowledge the behaviour as sexual assault. 

“When I’m assessing for people’s experiences, no matter what the environment or reason, there is a lot they don’t realise is going on until they actually receive a direct question about it,” explains Forensic Psychologist Leesa Morris. 

“Until you directly ask someone, ‘Do you have sex with your partner when you don’t feel like it because you’re worried what will happen if you say no?’, they may not have recognised what they’re doing. 

“In many instances, people don’t realise their relationship/workplace/friendship was abusive until they are out of it.”

This can be further complicated by perceived or actual love for, or attachment to, the perpetrator. 

“The sexual assault or violent act is not the only aspect of the [perpetrator] and so there will likely still be love and concern for them, and their relationship with any children,” says Morris.  

“There will also be competing fear, anger and betrayal. The judgement and ‘advice’ of others is often a reason people don’t say anything or act on these experiences.”

What do we need to know about it? 

Intimate partner sexual violence refers to any unwanted sexual activity that occurs between intimate partners, regardless of gender. This might look like forced sexual acts, unwanted sexual touching or sexual coercion.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, of the one in five Australian women, and one in 20 men who have experienced sexual violence, 60 per cent and 40 per cent respectively reported these crimes being perpetrated by a current or former partner.

“It can be confusing for victims to identify sexual assault or violence in the context of a relationship, and there are a number of reasons for this,” explains neuroscientist and therapist Dr Ashleigh Moreland.

“The most common reason is that sex is one of the elements that differentiates intimate relationships from other forms of relationships, which can lead to a misconception that a partner is 'entitled' to sexual experiences or that consent is not required,” Dr Moreland said. 

“Other things that may make it difficult to identify sexual assault or violence include feelings of responsibility or shame, trauma bonding between the victim and perpetrator, fear of retaliation or consequences if they speak out, and even confusion about what is acceptable or what is not.”

Gaslighting and/or coercive control often go hand in hand with IPSV, and these tactics contribute to undermining the victim’s understanding and recognition of their own experience.

Where gaslighting seeks to confuse the victim into compliance, coercive control uses threats, manipulation, intimidation or isolation to maintain power and control. 

“Statements that would be considered gaslighting include ‘you're making a big deal out of nothing’, ‘you're overreacting’, ‘you're remembering it wrong’, ‘you're crazy or too sensitive’, or ‘I did it because I love you’,” explains Dr Moreland.

“Statements like this can make the victim feel like they are the problem, and that the perpetrator's behaviour is not really abusive or harmful.” 

On the other hand, coercively controlling statements might sound like ‘You owe me after all I've done for you’, ‘No one else will want you if you leave me’, or ‘You're lucky I'm with you, no one else would put up with you.’

Listen to The Quicky, Mamamia's daily news podcast, where the hosts discuss how to help women who are locked inside their homes with their abusers. Story continues after podcast.

The impact of IPSV 

Sexual assault or violence can have a profound impact on the physical, emotional, mental, behavioural and relational wellbeing of victim-survivors – particularly when the perpetrator is someone they love or trust. 

“General physical symptoms of trauma of this nature could include bruises, cuts, or other injuries, as well as headaches, stomach problems or changes in appetite, difficulty sleeping and weight fluctuations, sexually transmitted infections or even unplanned pregnancies,” explains Dr Moreland. 

Emotional symptoms may include anxiety, depression, fear, shame, guilt, or anger, and this may lead to mental manifestations of flashbacks, nightmares, and dissociation, which may cause a sense of disconnection from the wider community. 

Behaviourally, victims of sexual violence may withdraw from social situations, avoid intimacy, or begin engaging in risky or self-destructive behaviours such as substance abuse or self-harm.

However, possibly the most profound impact of this trauma, says Dr Moreland – particularly when the perpetrator was someone they loved or trusted – is the relational impact.

“When boundaries have been obliterated in such a vulnerable way, victims often find their capacity to maintain intimate, safe, trusting relationships in the future is impaired.”

What to do if you suspect IPSV is happening

If you suspect that you, or someone you know, may be experiencing sexual assault or abuse, it's important to approach the topic in a supportive, validating and empathetic manner, explains Dr Moreland. 

“Listen to them without judgement and offer to help them find support services or report the abuse if they feel ready to do so. It's important to respect their autonomy and decisions, and to prioritise their safety and well-being, rather than impose your own agenda.”

How you approach someone who has experienced IPSV can have a profound impact on the way they process that experience.

Some positive things you might say, according to Dr Moreland, include:

• "I believe you." Let them know you believe their story and that you support them.
•  "You didn't deserve this." Reassure them they did not deserve to experience this trauma, and that the responsibility for the assault lies with the perpetrator, not the victim.
• "You are not alone." Let them know they have a support network and that they are not alone in their experiences.
• "It's not your fault." Reassure them the assault was not their fault, and that they are not responsible for the actions of the perpetrator.
•  "There is help available." Let them know there are support services available that can provide assistance, guidance and emotional support.
•  "You are strong." Recognise their courage in coming forward and seeking help, and reinforce their strength and resilience.

Conversely, certain responses could be detrimental or perpetuate a trauma/shame cycle. Dr Moreland recommends avoiding the following approaches:

• Blaming the victim: Avoid any language or behaviour that blames the victim for the assault, such as asking them if they were drinking, what they were wearing, or if they did anything to provoke the assault.
•  Minimising their experience: Avoid saying things like, "it could have been worse" or "at least you're not physically hurt."
•  Disbelieving or doubting their story: Avoid language or behaviour that casts doubt on their experiences or suggests that they are lying or exaggerating.
• Pressuring them to report the assault: Respect the victim's autonomy and decisions; avoid pressuring them to report the assault or take any actions that they are not comfortable with.
• Assuming they want to talk about it: While it's important to provide support and validation, it's also important to respect the victim's boundaries.
• Making comparisons to other people's experiences: Every person's experience of sexual assault or abuse is unique and should be treated with empathy and respect.

What else needs to happen? 

With one in four domestic and family violence practitioners reporting that intimate partner family violence was not currently covered in their training, the Monash University study highlighted an urgent need for IPSV-focused training for practitioners working with family violence perpetrators. 

“Our research also highlights opportunities to improve screening and risk-assessment tools to better support practitioners to identify and assess risk of intimate partner sexual violence alongside other forms of family violence,” writes Helps, of Monash University.

For Jodie, accepting her experience for what it was – intimate partner sexual violence – was both empowering and liberating, and she shares her story now in the hope it will help others recognise their own experiences, and potentially break free.

“More conversations need to be had around this sort of behaviour,” she says. 

“It is controlling and when you finally recognise that you are seen as an object, it can be an enlightening experience.

“Enough was enough. I wanted to take control over the only thing that I had left. Me.”

*Name has been changed for privacy and protection.

If this has raised any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service.