An adoptive mother shares her story.
“As soon as you have a little human being in your hands, it doesn’t matter how they arrived there – you are a parent immediately. It is really quite incredible.”
Those are the words of proud adoptive mum Vanessa Stafford, who adopted her son Shi Joon from Korea with her husband Adam in 2009.
And as far as they are concerned, the fact he’s not their biological child is completely irrelevant.
The couple made the decision to adopt a child and lodged their application in 2007. They were matched with their son in June 2009, and by August that year, their little family was complete.
According to Ms Stafford, the speed of their adoption and the fact they didn’t struggle with infertility before deciding to adopt makes them an unusual case.
Just as an FYI, you should know that this post is sponsored by Intercountry Adoption Australia . But all opinions expressed by the author are 100% authentic and written in their own words.
But despite the (relatively) quick process, Ms Stafford said it was still a stressful experience.
“It was highly stressful, even though I do not regret it in any way, it was highly invasive. And the paperwork is immense – there’s just so much,” she says.
While the couple anxiously waited for word on their future child, they made the conscious decision to keep busy with work and study as a distraction.
But even after such an anxious wait, Ms Stafford said nothing could prepare you for the moment you meet your child for the first time.
“It just felt totally surreal. You don’t have any biological connection; you don’t have that birthing process…at the time you are just a stranger,” she says.
While the couple were overjoyed to finally have their baby, they also struggled with the emotional reality of bringing their child home to a strange country, away from the only life he had ever known.
Shi Joon is now six, and has been told his birth story from the moment he arrived with his parents in Australia. The family take time to honour his birth mother on Mother’s Day, and they are also learning Korean, as a way of maintaining a connection with Shi Joon’s culture and background.
Ms Stafford said most people were incredibly supportive of their decision to adopt, but said she was passionate about raising awareness of the language used when describing adopted and blended families. For example, she believes that the use of the word “real” instead of “biological” when talking about children subconsciously implies that an adopted (or step) child is somehow “fake”.
“Some people denigrate my relationship by asking if I want a ‘real child’ but I think our relationship is the opposite – I think it is more special in a way,” she says.
Ms Stafford believes support from other adoptive families is essential for people going through adoption, but she said that in the end, the tough process was worth it.
“We wanted to love someone and someone needed to be loved. The effort and difficulty to adopt is absolutely worthwhile.”
Have you or someone you know had any experience with intercountry adoption? How did you find the process?
Want more? How about:
From India, With Love – Latika Bourke’s adoption journey.
OPINION: Children in orphanages need overseas adoption.
Giving a child from overseas a new home here in Australia is a life-changing decision, and there are many things to consider before deciding whether intercountry adoption is for you.
Intercountry Adoption Australia has been established to guide people through the intercountry adoption process and connect them to a range of resources and services.
Call the information line on 1800 197 760, open 9am-5pm, Monday to Friday, across Australia or visit www.intercountryadoption.gov.au
Top Comments
Great article! As a mother of both an adopted and a biological child I've heard those questioning comments too. I was asked 'why' and 'wouldn't I like to have one of my own' many times. All children have a need for love and support to become loving and supportive adults. The point is, we don't own children; nor are they lifestyle or genetic accessories.
I have a bio and an adopted child. I can say, hand on heart, the love I feel for them is no different. In many ways, being an adoptive parent has made me a better bio parent. My adopted child is a surprise package I open every day. They are free to be themselves because I don't have a biological expectation for them to be good at music like my husband or sporty like me. I've carried this lesson onto my bio child who now is also free to develop their strengths wherever they appear.
I reckon it took 2 weeks for me to develop a true bond between me and my adopted child. It wasn't instant - you can't possibly expect it to be. But in a relatively short space of time I knew I was just as smitten with my adopted child as my bio one.