The seven questions no mum should ever be asked.

They might be well meant, but they can still leave you bewildered.

There’s something about pregnancy and early motherhood (actually motherhood in general, really) that causes people to drop their verbal filter and simply ask whatever’s on their mind.

There are the harmless classics:

“When are you due?”

“What are you having?”

“How old is your little one?”

The answers to which I was more than happy to rattle off.

Here are seven of the best (or is that worst?):

1. “So, are we hoping we're pregnant or not?"

Hedging my bets, pregnancy test in one hand and a box of tampons in the other, this question from the checkout lady as she scanned my goods, completely stumped me. Um, sorry what?

Isn’t not commenting on a customer’s purchases part of training 101? I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Why yes, yes he was, 19-year-old male I met while pregnant at a friend's wedding. What an ice-breaker that one wasn’t.

3. “Oh my god, do you actually have breasts now?”

Cheers for reminding me that my breasts are usually small and humble (so you don't confuse them with mountains). But look, I’m pretty proud of these temporary guests. Thank you for noticing.

4. “You don’t exactly have childbearing hips do you! Are you going to have a c-section?”

Great pep talk. Really. I feel so much better about labour now. I didn’t think hip size actually correlated with one’s ability to birth a baby? Excuse me while I go and frantically google.* (Spoiler: it doesn’t).

* I mean consult my obstetrician for his expert, evidence-based opinion, of course.

What gave it away?! The seven-minute-old strapped to my chest? The grey, I-haven’t-slept-since-he-was-born pallor of my skin? The subtle scent of Eau de Baby Vomit?  No, I am not the nanny. Do you know one? I need a shower.

6. “He doesn’t look anything like you! Are you sure you got the right one?”

Yes, I’m aware I didn’t get a look-in with my blonde-haired, blue-eyed baby. Genetics, hey? Fascinating stuff. He does, however, look like my husband. Funny, that…

7. “Aww. Is that your little brother?”

And we have a winner! This one came from a genuinely lovely nurse on a maternity ward where my 18 month-old son and I were visiting a friend. I’d brought him along for the first time, having previously visited on my own. Given my littlest brother is 24-years-old this year, I’m taking that one as a compliment.

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