If I'm going to pay grandma to look after the kids, she'd better lift her game.

After today’s recommendation to formalise grandparent care, I have a few suggestions of my own. 

We know, we know, grandparents do an enormous amount of free childcare in this country. And now, with the new recommendations that they get subsidised for their trouble, it looks like they’re finally going to get their dues.

After my initial shock at having to pay my own mother, and mother-in-law, for what has so far been a free service, I have decided that I have a few requirements of my own for this now-official service:

1. She can’t arrive late.

I understand that grandma wants to stop off at the shops quickly to buy my children’s favourite treats to feed them all day, but I have to go to work. If I’m paying you to look after my children you must arrive ON TIME. So I am not late for work, which is how I pay you. Seriously, how hard is it to arrive on time? The kids can do without Tiny Teddy biscuits for one day.

2. She will not treat eye infections with milk, nor yank out teeth.

Some grandparents have very strange ideas about treating children's ailments, most of which have come from the olden days. For example, my dad insists that milk will treat eye infections and once chased me around the house trying to put it in my eye. I also warned my kids not to let him look at any wobbly teeth because he will usually just rip them out. Trust issues. And apparently Lemonade is a stomach flu cure.

3. They will make sure their home is safe for my children.

On days I drop the kids off to them, they will make sure their home is safe for my children. That means they are not allowed to walk around the front yard next to the very busy road, they will make sure their front and back balconies have the proper height railings and they don't mop until the kids have left. Tiles can get very slippery.

4. They will adhere to nutritional requirements.

Some grandmothers have very strange ideas about how to feed their grandchildren. Like, over-feeding them so they don't need dinner, or breakfast the next day. Others get so crammed full of junk food they are tired, listless and dehydrated when they are picked up. Or, due to a lack of proper meals and healthy food, are incredibly hungry. So paid grandmothers will have to listen to my wishes when it comes to the foods the kids eat, like no Milo milk before lunch and a limit to how many biscuits they are allowed to eat.

5. Let's do a bit of learning.

Paid childcare should always contribute towards school readiness so why can't Grandma teach them to count, the alphabet and maybe some ethical and moral lessons that will serve them well on the playground? Teaching them words in the mother-tongue is appreciated but would go well AFTER teaching them a bit of English.

6. They will be careful which stories they share about my childhood.

Grandparents should resist the urge to regale their grandchildren with stories of their parent's naughty behaviour as children. They don't need to know all their parent's misdeeds because it takes away from their ability to parent. Children retaliate, saying, "Grandma said you did it when you were little too". Not helpful.

7. No more over-dressing.

Children don't need to wear four layers of clothing every day. Some grandparents virtually physically assault their grandchildren in an effort to get them to keep their socks on. "They'll get a cold," she'll exclaim in the middle of summer, because apparently the floor is always cold and can shock their bodies into illness. Grandparents have also been known to re-dress them with singlets and jumpers. Respect the parent's clothing choices.

8. You must report all incidents.

Grandparents will be required to report all incidents that have occurred that day and in the event of emergencies, will call the parents and inform them. They don't get to try and deal with it themselves because, "I didn't want to bother you at work". What bothered me was the fact I didn't know my son had fallen until I found the lump on his head.

What would you add to this list?

Grandparents come in all shapes and sizes. Here are 16 celebrities who are grandparents. We wonder if they want to be paid for looking after their grandkids:

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