"How do I tell my mum, if I die the kids are going to my MIL?"

Dear The Motherish. I need the help of your readers.

My partner and I have just finished writing our wills and that involved making a critical decision.

If we die who gets custody of our children?

It’s not nice to think about, but it’s one of those things.

My mum has always been so involved in their lives. She lives in the same city as us, so that's expected. She has the kids overnight every few weeks, just to give us a bit of a break. She’s done that since my eldest was born, just about.

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It’s been really nice that she’s been able to give my partner and I that time. And it’s been wonderful to see her develop a relationship with them.

But that hasn’t been enough to fix the problems between us.

Like most teenage girls, I went through a rough patch when I was close to the end of school.

You know, the usual stuff. Parties, boys, a bit of alcohol. Nothing too wild.

We fought a lot.

For some reason we’ve never managed to recover from that.

I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something there that holds me back from her.

I find her manipulative and sometimes passive aggressive. Even now, there are things we can’t talk about.

So, if we pass away, my partner and I are leaving the kids in the custody of his parents. Even though they’re in a different city and they might not know them as well, I just feel more comfortable knowing that they’ll be looked after by my in-laws.

My mum has asked me about what the custody arrangements would be a couple of times recently. My partner had a car accident a couple of months ago. He was fine, but it was pretty frightening at the time and the thought of him not pulling through must have crossed her mind, as it did mine. After he came home she really pushed me to make arrangements and get everything squared away.

I didn’t know how to tell her that everything is already sorted.

I know she has assumed that she will be the one entrusted with the custody of our children.

And I know she’ll be so upset when I tell her that it’s not her, that we’ve chosen my partner’s parents.

I just told her that she was right, we should absolutely sort all of that stuff out.

I need help.

How do I tell her we've decided who would be best for our kids and it's not her?

If, like this reader, you have a dilemma that you would like advice about, please email info@themotherish.com with Don’t Judge Me in the subject field. You will be contacted before publication, and your identity will be protected.

Do you have any advice for our reader?