'I left my first husband because of porn. My second husband promised he didn’t use it. He lied.'

Listen to this story being read by Katie Stow, here.

I discovered my husband’s viewing of pornography on our shared computer.

I’d seen it pop up and confronted him. We’d been together six years, and he knew my stance. Many times he told me that he didn’t like porn and had no respect for those who used it. 

I questioned him about what I’d seen. His initial reaction was to blame my daughter (his stepdaughter). I never believed it was my daughter, but thought it could be something she’d clicked on inadvertently. When I look back, I wonder how I could have considered such rubbish. It is incredible the lengths men will go to with their lies – their values become wholly depleted (if they had any to begin with).

When he realised I knew, he showed contempt, arrogance and entitlement. Only when I said I intended to leave did he start to express a small amount of remorse. 

Watch: What are people searching for on porn sites? Post continues after video. 

I’d gone into my second marriage believing my husband would not view porn because he told me he didn’t use it and didn’t like men who did. I felt our values aligned. I’d discussed the end of my first marriage because of porn addiction. I never want to be placed in that situation again.

But then the truth emerged, and my anger and resentment skyrocketed. 

He said he’d never do it again. But he did it again and again. The lying was worse than if he had just been honest about it. Over our 20 years together, he consumed porn behind my back and was deceitful financially and emotionally. 

I sought the services of a private detective who specialised in deceptive behaviours. This experience, and the use of a polygraph expert, brought me emotional release as many of my suspicions were validated and I understood all he’d done to cover up and protect himself.

There are parts to my story that are too much for me to put into words. I am grieving for the life I wanted for my family. I realised he would never see me as his best mate – someone he cherishes, adores, respects and views as human.

The impact has been significant: it destroyed our family. It is tough to be enthusiastic about living your life with someone who is selfish and has no care in the world for you. All trust is gone; I have no respect for him. 

I’d much prefer to be on my own than in the company of someone who indulges in a world that degrades women no-end. 

Our children have suffered significantly, and this is what keeps me up at night. When a compulsive liar tells you what you want to hear, it is tough not to fall into the trap of believing them. 

I want to think that he is sorry for all he has done to his family. But I will never trust him again.

It’s not that simple to pack up your belongings and go, or to ask your partner to leave. For women, if they had decided to stay at home with children rather than pursuing a career, leaving can be utterly devastating because they have already lost so much.

Society is set up for women to be oppressed and seen as objects rather than humans. Men see women as objects to desire and to use for their gratification. It’s deplorable that our lives have been trashed by the pornography industry which monetises our bodies.

The one thing I still cannot grasp is that family and friends on both sides could not understand my anti-porn views. I had many say that I had the problem, that I was jealous, insecure, and controlling. Not one person expressed sympathy for me or how I have felt.

Pornography was seen by many of them as acceptable. Even my mother-in-law said, “Boys will be boys.” 

As time went on, I reflected on the relationship and how toxic it was for my children and me. I wish there had been more education around the harmful impacts of pornography, coercive control and controlling behaviours. Pornography depicts control and domination, usually by a man. This psychological element very much played into the relationship.

I’ve learned so much as a result of the breakdown of the relationship, much of it strangely positive. I now understand controlling behaviours, narcissism and entitlement. I can be assertive about my boundaries. And I’ve been encouraged by the number of strong feminists, past and present, who all share the same desire: a better world for our children.

I live in the now and enjoy the precious time I have left on earth with my children. They bring me purpose and happiness. Now we live in separate dwellings, I no longer have to use my energy to wonder what he is up to and whether or not he is being deceitful and disrespectful. I feel free. I feel alive.

My advice for others who may be in a similar position:

• Follow your intuition. I wish I’d listened to my inner voice and trusted myself more. What has been playing out behind your back can be hard to unravel. It’s tough to know how to feel and react.

• Do what you feel is suitable for your circumstances. Once you’ve worked out whether or not you’ll ever trust your partner again and be able to live each day without suspicion, only then will you be able to move on and begin a new life. I saw it as an opportunity to leave. There is no room in my life for a middle-aged man masturbating to teenage girls.

• Give them an ultimatum – pornography or you. That’s it and stick to it. They may or may not sense an urgency to give it up, and don’t be surprised if they choose porn over you. 

• Be honest with yourself and keep to your values. That will give you your best chance of future happiness.

• My chronic porn-using husband said he could not see women as human beings. He ruined our family financially and destroyed our relationships within our community and extended family. It wasn’t hard to want to leave him, but tough to break up our family.

• Find a counsellor/psychologist who understands pornography and addiction. The psychologist my husband and I saw suggested that I leave. This was what I needed to hear, as it validated my feelings.

Catherine, 47, lives in Melbourne, Australia, with two of her three children. She has a background in media and communications. She has taken up running and is training for a marathon.

Published with kind permission from Spinifex Press from “He Chose Me Over Porn”: Women Harmed by Men Who Use Porn, edited by Melinda Tankard Reist.  

Feature Image: Getty. 

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