She’s made all the mistakes, so you don’t have to… Ask Erin is a weekly advice column, in which Erin answers your burning questions about anything at all.
Q.
Dear Erin,
I recently joined Tinder and saw a married male friend of the family with a pretty obscure photo (very close up and only on one eye) — but I recognised him immediately.
He said in his profile that he’s been married for a long time and he’s bored and wants to have an affair. Point blank statement.
I immediately swiped left upon seeing this, but it has haunted me ever since.
This is a man with a wife and two children…. and having been thru a marriage with infidelity, I know about the fallout for a family when this happens.
However, I am not very close with either of them, and my friendship is equal with them both.
Do I keep mum about this? Or should I attempt to say anything to anyone?
Listen: Esther Perel on why happy people cheat. (Post continues after audio.)
A.
UGH. This is that category of information that makes me want to hot potato it on to someone else — as in I have to tell someone else who knows them, so I don’t have to figure it out.
Because it is no fun being in your position. It’s uncomfortable having this sort of intel because we feel responsible for it.
But what he’s doing on Tinder or elsewhere is neither your problem nor your responsibility.
First of all, we don’t know what sort of arrangement they have in their marriage. Perhaps they have an open relationship. I would think if he is putting it out there in such a semi-public way, she knows (or he wants to get caught).
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Top Comments
Great advice! If you're merely an acquaintance, you shouldn't meddle. You have no idea of their situation. Besides, would the wife believe the person she barely knows over her long time love? I would want my husband to own up or find out for myself. I wouldn't want a mere aquaintance to tell me. I would be so insulted. I would appreciate them urging my husband to talk to me. That's a helpful thing to do.
If I was the wife, I’d want to know. Put yourself in her shoes then decide. I’d tell her and I’d show her
If I were the wife, I wouldn't believe an acquaintance. And I'd rather hear it from my husband himself or discover it myself
She refers to herself as a family friend also as an acquaintance. It’s not as if she doesn’t know the person. Secondly, if he wants to have an affair I doubt he would tell her. This is why I said I’d show her, but I’d do it lightheartedly. My dad cheated on my Mum, everyone knew except her- including her best friend and they never said anything. After my mum asked her friend about it and she said “I thought you knew”. My mum felt like a total fool after. And their relationship has never been the same or as close. Maybe she should approach the husband. At the end when it all comes out it doesn’t matter who told you or who knew, it’s just humiliating and the earlier it comes out, the less damage is done.