Heterosexual women often presume HIV is a gay man’s problem; not true says one woman, who knows first-hand.
As told to Corrinne Barraclough.
“My first marriage didn’t work out so I found myself a 30-something single mum living in the city with my kids. I studied at university and was working. I’d been alone for some time, I was happy, but I missed being married and having someone to plan a future with.
I met my ex-husband through my social circle. He was younger than me and I was flattered when he pursued me. He didn’t drink or smoke; he was a quiet sort of man. I thought I could trust him.
On an early date he took me to a kids’ movie, which I thought was cute. I got swept along.
We got married quickly and didn’t have sex until our wedding night.
As soon as I signed the marriage papers he turned into a different man. He was domineering, controlling and not my Prince Charming at all.
Watch: The moment Mamamia staffers knew it was time to get a divorce. (Post continues after video.)
Our marriage didn’t last long; I threw him out after a violent episode. Then I discovered I was pregnant. I took him back, hoping we could make it work, but his behaviour got worse. I ended the relationship and focused on being a mum.
Eight years ticked by; then I started getting sick. For eight months I kept going back to the doctor and being sent home with antibiotics. I was misdiagnosed with whooping cough but my health deteriorated. I had fungal nail infection, my skin turned sallow, my hair was falling out and I was rapidly losing weight.
I went to the doctor and said, “Do you think I’ve got cancer?” I was told not to be so silly.
One week later, I had a seizure at work. I was wheeled around from test to test in hospital. A CT scan showed I had five lesions and swelling on my brain. The doctors told me I had second-degree brain cancer. MRI scans revealed I had toxoplasmosis. As I wasn’t pregnant, they said I must have a compromised immune system so I signed permission for an HIV test.
"I signed permission for an HIV test." (Image: iStock)
Two days later, two doctors came and closed the curtain around my bed. They told me my test had returned positive. I took a deep breath in, sighed out, and said, “At least I’m not going to die.” I knew HIV medication enabled people to live good lives.
I didn’t realise just how sick I was. I’d been living with HIV for nine years. If the CD4 count in your blood is below 250 you’re prone to opportunistic infections. Under 50, a cough can kill you. Mine was 40.
My first thought was for my son; I breastfed him. Thank God his test came back negative.
I tracked my ex down and phoned him. Furious, I said, “Do you realise what you’ve done? You played Russian Roulette; you put me at risk and our child. You fired two bullets, you got one hit.”
He hung up. I never heard from him again.
I could explore my legal options, but what’s the point? I’m a mother, that’s my focus.
I was in hospital for a couple of months. At my worst, I was taking 72 pills a day to treat infections the HIV had caused. I went blind in one eye where the infection had got in.
Nine months later, my health finally improved; lesions on my brain cleared and my sight returned. It was a hard slog. The biggest celebration at my nine month mark was being able to pick up a pile of washing!
Five years later, there’s a lot of damage to my health; my heart and bones especially. But, I’m alive – and I’ll see my grandchildren one day.
No one knows how long they’re going to live for. I live each day with purpose. I’m grateful for every day I’m well and with my children.
I threw myself into public speaking to raise awareness very quickly. We discussed it as a family; I wanted to make sure my children were happy for me to speak out.
Lots of HIV infections happen to Australians on overseas holidays; nearby areas have high rates of HIV. Do what you want on holiday, but be aware sex can come with consequences. Take care of your health.
When you go for a pap smear, get a sexual health check-up. Don’t think, 'I don’t trust my partner'; rather, 'I take responsibility for my health.'
Doctors may try to brush you off saying, “You’re married, you’re educated,” their usual checklist - but it’s your life and you only get one.
You’re better to know and get on medication quickly. I’ll never get my health back. The percentage of heterosexual HIV is rising in parts of Australia, UK and USA. Let’s not be complacent, let’s be proactive now.”
* Between 2005 and 2014, 46.4% women with HIV were diagnosed in late stage - after HIV has already had a significant impact on an individual's immune system. Read more at afao.org.au
As told to Corrine Barraclough. For more from Corrine, follow her on Facebook here.
Top Comments
Wtf is wrong with you? So you just think it's ok for him to go around and give HIV to more women? You know what, maybe there was a woman before you he did the exact same thing to and instead of prosecuting him she said, "damage done, not my problem". And then he infected you.
Exactly - she should have had him arrested, prosecuted, and locked away to rot in prison, so he can't victimize other women in the future. I would have done just that, and more - I would've also named and shamed him publicly on public internet forums with a lot of traffic, posting his photo up everywhere. It just shows how thoughtless this woman was that she considered only herself and not how several others could be dealt the same fate due her nonchalance and failure to act.
The medical establishment has a lot to answer for with this issue. When I went to a doctor to ask about the possibility of my former partner and I being tested for STI's including HIV as a part of protecting ourselves against infections considering the relationship was monogamous, and also what other advice he would have about that. The doctor said that it would be a waste of time worrying about any of that because HIV is "only transmitted sexually amongst male homosexuals who have homosexual sex", and that there was nothing for me to worry about since my former fiance and myself are heterosexual so it is not possible for either of us to even have the virus.
I had seen the 'grim reaper' ad on TV around that time that alerted me to the possibility that anyone can contract HIV, but the doctor incorrectly disputed that totally. There has been a lot of critisism of that grim reaper ad but as far as I am concerned it was spot on with the correctness of its message because every kind of person that was depicted in that ad has been killed by the virus.
Another doctor I went to said to me, in a tone of utter contempt for her belief in my ignorance, that if a man had an STI "you would see it" (in a shocked and dismaying tone of voice) because there would be clearly visible welts on his penis. She made out I was silly for thinking what I had just read in an article in Cosmopolitan magazine was true which was that a person could have an STI but have no visible sign of it and still be infectious. It would normally be considered wrong to believe what you read in a magazine over a professionally trained doctor, but Intuition told me that Cosmo was right and that the doctor was ignorant. How bad is it that before the internet, women have had to rely on mags like Cosmo and Cleo to get information about things like this!
Honestly, doctors as ignorant/unintelligent as the ones you've described should have their licenses revoked. They are a danger to public health and safety, since in virtue of their job title they have the power to withhold medical tests and treatments on an (uniformed) whim. And this goes to show that continual STD training should be mandatory for doctors to keep their license.
(I say this as someone who has been permanently injured by a doctor, who repeatedly denied it even as I presented evidence of multiple case studies and peer-reviewed journals demonstrating a causal link with the toxic medication - fluoroquinolones- they gave me.)
In short, ALWAYS challenge doctors if you suspect that what they're claiming is utter BS. Trust your own knowledge, research, and intuition.