"8 things that make me suspect you're a wanker".

When in doubt? Don’t swirl your wine around, just drink it. 

I like humans. Most of the time, humans are great.

They do nice things for each other, like open doors or find convenient ways to slice up mangoes and then tell everyone.

But sometimes, humans are wankers. Or douchebags. Or snobs. Whatever you want to call them, they seem to have a few things in common. Little signs of douchebaggery, that pop up like a little red flag. A red flag of wankerdom.

I’m not saying that these things MAKE you a douchebag. But they sure do make you sound like one:

YOU MIGHT BE A WANKER IF YOU:

1. Swirl your wine without irony.

I’m all for pretending I’m a wine connoisseur as a joke (especially when pronounced ‘conny-sewer’), spitting and smelling and flaring my nostrils over the $10 bottle of Aldi wine I’m drinking. But actually swirling or slurping your wine without any kind of humour? You’re no drinking buddy of mine.

2. Laugh extra loud at ‘intelligent’ jokes.

Wow. You clearly understood that particular political/art/music/stockbroker/current event joke that the comedian made. I know, because you laughed extra loud, and then looked around the room to make sure we all saw you laugh. Well done.

The female wanker.

3. Insist on pronouncing the word ‘Pho’ as ‘fuh’.

I know that Vietnamese people pronounce it ‘fuh’. I also known that French people pronounce ‘Sauvignon Blanc’ with a proper French accent. But if you correct me on my ignorant Australian pronounciation of the $9.90 noodle broth I’m buying from the food court for lunch, you are being a douche.

4. Wear tennis clothes to the Australian Open.

What, do you think that they are just going to let you play? ‘Oh, no! Lleyton Hewitt hasn’t turned up for his match! Is there an Aussie around here with tennis shoes and a Nike t-shirt on?’

5. Constantly tell me how healthy/fit you are.

I’m all for you being fit and healthy. I’m not all for sitting around and hearing about how many kilometres you ran this morning, while I played Tetris and had a nap. The more you tell me about how much sugar you’ve cut out of your diet, the more I expect your snorting Twix’s in private.

“I’m a recovering Grade A Instagram-addicted wanker”.

6. Pop your collar.

Enough said. Unless you are genuinely trying to protect your neck from sunburn, you are only trying to send out snob signals.

7. Claim old and unheard of songs/films as your favourite when they’re obviously not.

I know that you only brought up that particular artist so you could prove to me how interesting and unique your taste is. But for the most part, I reckon it’s more likely that you Googled ‘cool songs’ than actually grew any attachment to that song by The Clash or someone.

8. Top up your own water at the restaurant without filling up anyone else’s.

Okay, that doesn’t make you a douchebag. It just makes you rude.

So there you have it. Eight little signs of douchebaggery. I hope I haven’t spoiled anyone for you. But if I have, you may be better off getting a little distance from them any way.

No one needs a friend in their life who’s going to correct their pronounciation of Vietnamese soup. You just don’t need that kind of negativity.