Yumi Stynes is talking to her 8-year-old about sex. Here's why you should too.

Author and podcaster Yumi Stynes is a mum of four and a passionate advocate for parents talking to their kids about sex at every age. But that doesn't mean she thinks it is easy.

"I think a lot of parents have inherited shame from their own parents and from our culture and society at large," Yumi tells Mamamia.

"I think it's partly shame about icky body fluids, but parents also worry about saying the wrong thing. Worry about planting an idea in their mind that wasn't there before and then just making things worse! A lot of the difficulty parents have with these types of chats is just not knowing what to say and how to say it; it's a very unflexed muscle that most of us have." 

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Yumi believes parents need to get comfortable with the icky stuff, but also have access to good quality resources that help them get over their own embarrassment. This is partly why she co-wrote the book, Welcome To Sex with Dr Melissa Kang, to help parents give their kids the sex education that we never got at home or school.

"Everyone needs trusted resources for this kind of chat. Whether that's this book or another, you need to get the facts and the language right, because I think you can easily stumble into saying the wrong thing or saying something that's informed by sexism or bad science. I would say to any parent that shoring up your own information first is really helpful and a good way to start."

Once you have the facts clear and some well-researched knowledge at your fingertips, Yumi says that it is important to consider the age of your child and what they might be ready for and importantly that this is not a 'one-off' chat type of topic.

"The conversation that you'll have with a 12-year-old is so different from the one you'll have with a 16-year-old, even though they are only a few years apart. And even within a 12-year-old cohort, you'll see the very mature ones who are quite sophisticated and others who are very childlike and those two people require different conversations. 

"The point is, you don't just have a single conversation with your child at a certain age about sex, it should be constant and ongoing which helps to remove the embarrassment."

Yumi says there are many ways to start these ongoing chats about sex in your everyday life.

"Maybe there is a news story you can use as a hook or way in, or a moment on a TV show you're watching together. There are all kinds of ways to bring it into your normal chatting. One of the things parents will get, especially if they're paying attention, is to talk to their child about their friendship group and what they're doing. That's the perfect way of knowing how much detail they require because often, what their friends are doing is what they're likely to want to try themselves.

"And once they know that you're safe to talk to about sex with, and you're not going to flip out, then they can return to the conversations again and they will absolutely love having a space to ask you those questions."

Something Yumi hears a lot is parents worrying about not having all the answers but she says that is not really the point.

"It's definitely an ongoing conversation and kids will put all the pieces together in their minds, as the chat evolves. The crucial thing to remember is the parent does not have to know every answer. You can say, 'Hey, I don't know for sure, but here's what I think and I'll come back to you on that when I know.' It's totally okay to not be the authority all the time."

As a mum of two adult kids, an eight-year-old daughter and a seven-year-old son, Yumi says it is about knowing your child and simply answering their questions with honesty.

"You might see something in a movie and your child says, 'What was going on there?' My eight-year-old is curious because she has a mind like a steel trap and so I owe it to her to be honest.

"But I also think it's, it's really okay to say, 'Do you want me to keep going?' Because sometimes they reply, 'Oh, no, that's beyond gross!' They understand some things are reserved for a more adult conversation and so they can be consensual about it and tell you if they don't want to hear anymore."

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Yumi says that while researching the book and talking to so many kids, she says that it is easy to forget just how innocent kids are.

"We have this skewed idea about the awful influence of social media and porn and I think it's easy to forget how innocent kids are as well. One of the questions I got from a 12-year-old boy who was really handsome and popular was, 'How do I get good at kissing?' And it made me realise that, at that age, kids are often pretending to be more sophisticated, but really they just want to connect with people and do it the right way!"

For parents who have an understandable fear of giving their kids too much information, Yumi says that talking to your kids about sex early actually makes them more considered about their choices.

"The best thing you can do for your kids' future safety, but also their happiness as sexual beings in the future is to give them a sex education quite early. It's not going to corrupt them. It's not going to turn them into weirdos. 

"There's actual science around it, which is basically the earlier, you give your kids a sex education the later they will have sex. So it's not like you are setting them on this path by giving them the information so it's a pretty unfounded fear."

In an ideal world, Yumi says she would like to work with schools on sex education but that sadly, the issue is complicated.

"Our fantasy is that the book would be used in school and I'd love for every kid to get handed a copy. Unfortunately, in schools, sex is a deeply political or religious topic whereas, for us, it's a health and science issue. 

"This means that schools have to tread carefully and often that caution has resulted in silence. So the kids are filling the void of sex education with porn and that's very alarming because as adults we know that porn is not real. But for kids', no one is currently offering them a good alternative. There is so much room for improvement in the education system because kids are really invested in and engaged with this subject but still today it is all about pregnancy and STIs, not pleasure."

With accessing porn, Yumi's advice is to delay giving your kids a device for as long as possible, but also to have open discussions with them about what porn really is.

"It's important for kids to understand that porn is often super degrading and super abusive and it has a very toxic influence on young people. Especially if that is the only information that they're getting on what sex is. Kids really don't want to hear parents talk about porn but I think it's worth saying to them, 'Be judicious about the porn you watch.' Ask them to think about what it is like to be in the woman's shoes. Ask them to ask themselves, 'Is she okay? Is she being treated respectfully? And what is this doing to my brain if she's not? Am I programming myself to be an abuser?' 

"It's a very dark topic but I believe it is worth saying all of this out loud so that they've heard it from their trusted parent."

Something else parents can do if they are worried about their kids watching too much porn? Yumi says to get them outdoors.

"I don't know how kids can stem the tide with porn, but I think it's also about parents getting their kids out of their rooms and into nature and having open conversations about sex. Kids need a balanced life, and that's a place where parents can intervene and have an influence."

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For parents unsure how to get started with some good quality sex chat, Yumi recommends myth-busting an old-fashioned theory about sex and 'bases'.

"There's an idea that I really find hugely appealing, which is that sex isn't like stepping through the phases of 'first base' etc. We all need to sweep that out of our brains and picture instead sex as a 'smorgasbord' of delicious treats. You don't have to eat anything from the smorgasbord that you dislike. And I think if we all were thinking about sex like this and not making assumptions about what the other person likes, then we can still have a really fun and enjoyable experience that's not predictable.

"It's not you know, plodding through the same steps and 'bases' each time. I think that's a beautiful concept for young people to understand as well as for people who have been married for 10 or 15 years and raising kids. The idea of having a conversation out loud about what you like and want and dislike and don't want - well that's really scary but important."

The main thing Yumi says for parents to remember is that talking about sex without shame is so very important.

"These sorts of conversations should be so much more widespread and I just think that people, especially parents need to know how powerful they can be. Parents should be as fearless as they can and just keep coming back to the topic, time and again, for the sake of the kids."

'Welcome to Sex' by Yumi Stynes and Dr Melissa Kang is out now and available here or from all good bookshops. 

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Instagram @yumichild