"Don't forget to cry into your coffee." 10 tips for surviving the school holidays.

Listen to this story being read by Emma Gillespie, here.

This post is intended as satire.

Stuck at home with the kids this school holidays? Here are 10 tips to survive.

1. Agree to stay home for the first week to "recharge".

This will not involve any recharging, except for recharging screens in a desperate attempt to keep the kids quiet for five minutes. 

You will, however, discover your youngest disconnected the entire charging station to plug in their Barbie disco light. Enjoy.

While you're here, watch the things parents never say on school holidays. Post continues after video.

2. Attempt an outing with another family.

Choose carefully, because you need people you like, but they need to be worse parents than you. 

Attend the movies, planning to see Lightyear. Have two-year-old throw screaming tantrum until you agree to see the Minions one instead. 

Sit in peace for approximately 23 seconds until the middle child drops a box of popcorn on the floor, before going to the candy bar and spending $43 on another box.

Consider making a run for the door and starting a new life in Tasmania.

3. Cook with the children.

Pull out a box of brownies and a wooden spoon. Have MasterChef-addicted children tell you that not only do they not enjoy sugar, but they want to cook fried eggplant with salsa verde, goat's cheese and garlic greens. 

Explain that "greens" are a thing of the past and fry some eggplant and serve with BBQ sauce and a slice of Kraft. 

Bake and eat an entire tray of brownies once they are in bed. Child lock MasterChef on your TV.

4. Book them into school holiday care and explain you need to work in the office two days this week.

Get a massage and meet equally crap parent friends at the local bar to day drink and eat tapas. 

Take a blood oath of secrecy, immediately forget, and leave a Google review because the tapas were SO GOOD.

5. Take children to a museum, an art gallery, and the library.

Take many, many, many, many photos of this excellent spot of parenting. 

Surprise yourself by enjoying it as much as they do, and vow to come back soon. Never go back. 

Stop in at an art gallery for a caffeine recharge and watch the kids play happily. 

Have so much fun together that you stop in at the toy shop and pick up a new 5,000 piece puzzle to do as a family.

6. THIS WAS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

Realise this 32 pieces in. Resist the urge to throw it all in the bin and spend the next five hours in the vortex of puzzle hell as you slowly accept that you are a complete failure as an adult. 

Post the puzzle on Facebook marketplace. Have three people contact you, arrange five different times to pick up, and get stood up repeatedly.

7. Attempt to put overtired, overstimulated, over-sugared children to bed.

Battle through dinner, bath time, read story number one, attempt to leave, read story number two, read the last line on every third page of story number three, and announce they need to go the f*ck to sleep. 

When the child demands to know what the plan for tomorrow is, resist the urge to say "12 hours of Netflix" and promise a park visit. 

Walk out, confident they’re asleep, and settle in to watch Netflix. 

Have child get up and ask 53 questions before finally going to sleep.

8. Get up (at 5.30am when they wake you) to torrential rain.

Have children ask when you’re going to the park. Cry into your coffee, because you’ve earned this mini breakdown.

Suggest they FaceTime Grandma. Grandma invites them to come for a sleepover and suggests they stay for the rest of the week. 

Cry again, but tears of relief. Drop kids to grandma’s house and go home.

9. Realise the house is too quiet and you miss them.

10. Rinse and repeat every 10 weeks for the next 17 years.

This post was originally published on Orange Daily Weekly Monthly News and republished with full permission.

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