Genevieve Muir is the founder of Connected Parenting and resident expert on Mamamia’s brand new podcast 'How To Build A Human' with Leigh Campbell.
I often ask parents to close their eyes and picture that their toddler is now a grown-up adult who is coming over to visit them for dinner. I ask them to picture a world where sleep deprivation, nappies, sibling squabbles and mess is long behind them and I ask them this:
Who do you want your child to be?
The answers are most often very, very similar:
They want their kids to be kind and considerate.
They want them to be resilient, confident, and brave.
They want them to be creative in the way they can solve problems.
They want their child to reach their academic potential.
They hope their child will be able to make and retain meaningful relationships.
They hope their child will be happy.
Everything that parents want for their kids is directly linked to children having a good understanding of their own emotions and the ability to relate to others. This is commonly understood as a set of skills we call Emotional Intelligence or EQ.
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Until the 1990s, parents thought that IQ (which is a number derived from a standardised intelligence test) was the most important indicator of success for their kids. Many parents would even begin this drive to educate their baby right from birth with flash cards or educational TV shows.
Thankfully, these days are long gone, and we now know that an adult's ability to perceive, control, and express emotions (or EQ) is a much more significant indicator in lifelong success that includes academic success as well as success in relationships.
Parents are looking to foster EQ skills in their kids. After all, we are a social species and it makes sense that the biggest indicator of happiness and success is going to be linked to our ability to manage our emotions and get on with others.
So, how do we help our kids with their emotional intelligence? Here are five top tips:
1. Connection with us is our child’s love language.
It is widely referred to that adults have five love languages, and yet when it comes to our kids, they really process love as one thing: feeling connected with their parents or primary caregivers. Connection is so important for kids and for fostering EQ simply because this forms the foundation of how they view themselves, and how worthy of love they feel.
This feeling of connection is something that happens when you get down on the floor and join them in play, as much as it can happen in just a wink, a hug, or simply our face 'lighting up' with delight as they enter a room.
Kids feel most connected with us when we enjoy time with them and it can surprise many parents to find out that this doesn’t need to take all day. In fact, one of the biggest 'bang for buck' tips I can give parents who want to make their child feel loved is to try to set aside 10 minutes of 'special time' with their child.
To make special time 'special' it needs be:
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One on one.
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Distraction free (no phone).
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Child led (we need to let our child pick the activity and we follow their lead).
Much like a holiday, the magic of special time is often in the anticipation of it and remembering it afterwards too. As you tuck your child in at night, you might tell them: "The special time I had with you today was the best part of my day".
We are their first and most important relationship, and when we let them know, even in just 10 minutes together, that we just love spending time with them, everything else seems to go better.
2. Let your kids struggle and fall.
We all find it hard to hold back the words "be careful" or "watch out" when it comes to keeping our kids safe, but it turns out that the bigger risk for kids might be never learning how to navigate risk.
When parents hover or prevent kids from making risky choices, kids don't get the chance to learn about consequences or what it feels like to persevere.
It is through the experience of frustration a toddler may have as they are learning to click two LEGO Duplo bricks together, or the tears a child may have after a scraped knee that our kids get to learn the EQ skills of bravery and resilience.
Bravery isn’t always feeling brave or doing things perfectly the first time. Brave is falling and getting back up. It’s the ability to try even when we feel scared or unsure.
As parents, we can encourage these skills by holding back the 'be careful' and by being okay with the feelings that come with these important experiences of trying and not being able to do it perfectly... YET.
Listen to the trailer for How To Build A Human. Over 8 weeks, join Leigh Campbell as she speaks to some of Australia’s best-known parents and our resident parenting expert Gen Muir, to work out the perfect ingredients it takes to raise a well-rounded child - ready for their big future.
3. Learn to love feelings.
One of the biggest things a parent can do to help build up these precious EQ skills in kids is to learn to become an 'emotion coach'. This often means we need to 'model' the ability to stay calm and manage our own emotions while our child is struggling to manage theirs. AKA we need to NOT have a meltdown when our kids have a meltdown.
This is no mean feat. I am yet to meet a parent that feels amazing when their child is having a huge meltdown. But the evidence is clear that the best way to build resilience, compassion, kindness and so many other EQ stills for our children is to show them that they are welcome to come to us when they are happy and when they are sad.
Being with a child who is really, really upset isn’t easy for anyone. But what can help is if we remember that our kids, like us, just want to be seen and heard. They want to know that nothing can make them unlovable, even when they feel terrible.
When we take the pressure off the need to fix, solve, or make things better for our kids, we often are more able to be there, doing what our kids really need most from us, which is showing them empathy.
Once our kids are calmer, we are able to talk about feelings with them. Often our kids need some help to wrap words around emotions and these conversations where we help them to identify the feelings behind behaviour are often as illuminating for them as they are for us as we are often learning alongside our kids.
4. Embrace the word 'no'.
Boundaries are just as essential for kids as connection, warmth and love. Kids do need lots of opportunities to express themselves and anyone with a toddler will tell you it is the year of "no".
But here is the thing: Until children reach adulthood, their brains are still developing, and until they do, they need loving caregivers to step in sometimes and take the lead with kindness, firmness, and confidence.
It is somewhere in this 'no' that kids are learning about navigating relationships. That even though we love them to the moon and back, we have limits. This is essential in teaching our kids to consider others, and evidence also shows, in making them feel safe and loved.
5. Say sorry when you stuff up.
Parenting is an absolute gift, but my goodness, it is so bloody hard some days! We all get crabby, tired, we all snap, or forget things that matter to our kids... even important things.
Evidence shows that kids don’t need parents who never make a mistake, but they do need parents willing to go in and repair the relationship when things get off track.
As a mum of four, I have had some truly beautiful moments of connection with my kids following a moment where I was not the parent I wanted to be. When I have made a mistake or snapped at my kids and (after I have calmed myself down), I would go in to say sorry.
For me, it is often in these moments that I get to the core of something that really matters for my kids. I can shift my perspective and learn about myself and my child and we all feel better than we did before.
Saying sorry to our kids is about recognising that we all make mistakes, and relationships require us to work to repair them when they get off track. There is no better way to teach your child humility, compassion, vulnerability, and kindness than when we model all these things by going in to our child and saying, "I’m sorry, can we try that again."
Genevieve Muir is an obstetric social worker, parent educator and mum to four boys with a passion for helping parents in the first five years of parenting. Gen works in a busy maternity hospital in Sydney, and also works privately with families though online programs, parenting groups, and one-on-one sessions. You can find her on Instagram, Facebook, or on her website.
To hear more tips from Gen on How To Build A Human. Big play. Big future, listen wherever you get your podcasts from October 7.
Feature Image: Supplied.
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