This week, an email popped up in Mamamia’s submission inbox…
Sent on 13th November, 12:29 pm.
Subject line: I have no friends. Not one.
I am no longer on Facebook. Despite Facebook alerting people to their friends birthdays, not one person would post on my page a simple Happy Birthday.
I called my wedding and 30th birthday “intimate gatherings” when in reality I didn’t have anyone to invite. I danced alone at my birthday and sat alone at my wedding. I did have friends at school but never many and I had troubles keeping them. I remember worrying I wouldn’t have anyone to sit with at the formal.
I feel very anxious about all of this.
What few acquaintances I had, completely disappeared during my divorce. My ex-husband was incredibly social with a large circle of friends. He always just assumed I was difficult or “antisocial”.
I’m 32, and work with some wonderful women, and try and be as friendly as possible… but that never seems to get me an invite to weekend drinks.
I’ve tried joining yoga classes to meet new people but females always tend to take a “buddy” to things so it’s hard to start a conversation when everyone already seems to have someone with them.
Part of me feels silly for writing these things, part of me is relieved to get it off my chest. Any advice on this would be great, it’s really started to impact on me now that I live alone.
Please help
L xx
So, to help L - and any other readers out there who are feeling alone right now - we reached out to The Friendly Psychologist Jacqui Manning for advice.
Top Comments
I can completely understand. I 50 and married. I was an only child and had no cousins just mom & pop. Mom died when I was 18 and pop when I was 26. Most women have sisters, cousin or a mother that they bound with as they get older. Or they have college friends who stayed in touch. That becomes a core group. I was a stay home mom and the my bff was a working mom. So both having families plus her work we never had a lot of girl time. So here I sit. Kids grown , bff still works full-time. I love my husband and he is a lot of fun but it would be nice to have more friends. Even my husband came from a small family and his mother died early so not even a mother in-law,lol Yes, I could join stuff and have but most people by now already have their group. And they already have a busy life. So I just try to be thankful with what I have. My husband is a teacher and I do volunteer work with his class, stuff at church and a few other local charities. But, honestly it's not that easy getting new friends.
My first thought, given that this seems to be a lifelong pattern for L, is that she needs to see a Psychologist who specialises in ASD/ Aspergers. L states that she tries to be friendly but is never invited to drinks etc, indicates to me (as someone who has worked for 30 years with children on the Autistic spectrum) that she is not sure what 'friendly' actually is and that she has no insight into how she is presenting to other people. She needs to speak to someone who can gently explore the real reasons for her isolation. Hopefully knowing what is underlying it can bring some understanding and help her to develop some appropriate skills.
that was my instant thought. A therapist would be a great start. It may easily be that she does not have Asperger's, but I'd warrant something is going on that she is completely helpless to figure out. That she got married, i.e. someone did in fact want to be with her (I know it ended but it did happen) is interesting. Has she considered, even if it is painful, straight out asking her ex for his thoughts. Assuming they are in a vaguely cordial situation, this might also help, though it probably will not be pleasant. He might give her a new perspective.