Dear Vagina...

Dear Vagina,

I’ve finally realised that I have some apologising to do.

Like for that time I said we were going to the beauty salon and you thought you were getting some down time – not ‘down there’ time with hot wax. I know it didn’t help when I moaned about the rip-off $80 fee after you’d been literally ripped off.

But that wasn’t even my first vaginal crime.

There have been bicycle seats that felt like torture implements, overfriendly crotch seams, underwear that wanted in…

But you’ve put up with it all without complaint. So vagina, I salute you. And I’m sorry.

1. I’m sorry for what I’ve called you.

I am bad with names: I can forget someone’s name within seconds of hearing it. I know you’ve been glad to be a metre away from my mouth and hidden under fabric as I’ve bumbled my way through awkward introductions. But I have no excuse for not using your proper name – we’ve known each other for decades.

Yet you must hear it all the time: vagina replaced by nonsense like front bottom, ladygarden, foo-foo, vajayjay, cooch, bits, flower etc. No other body part gets hated on purely for its name. So I am reclaiming vagina: your word, my word, our word.

 

Just as an FYI, this post is sponsored by Verona. But all opinions expressed by the author are 100 per cent authentic and written in their own words.

2. I’m sorry for what I’ve made you wear.

I’ve made some pretty questionable fashion choices in my time, but, vagina, only you’ve been nearly sawn in two. The word ‘G-string’ should have set off alarm bells. Why would we ever think it was a good idea to associate string – the stuff used to tie things up – with the most sensitive and intimate part of our anatomy?

Whoever thought, ‘I want to create a style of knickers that’s going to be really comfortable to sit on for 10 hours a day – I know, string!’ was probably someone without a vagina.

3. I’m sorry I haven’t had your back.

I used to feel tense when someone else looked at you. I’d hide you away under the sheets, under darkness, so they’d never get a good view. It wasn’t personal, believe me – it’s just that I’d never really had a good look at you myself.

Because when society struggles to simply say your name, it doesn’t encourage us to become better acquainted with each other. But from now on, that’s going to change. From now on, I’ll be a proud vagina owner.

4. I’m sorry for that one time I abused the hair removal cream.

When a cream says it’s designed for the outer areas only, it means outer only. I’m sorry I had to partially melt you to grasp this.

5. I’m sorry I haven’t celebrated your achievements more.

Vagina, you are amazing. You are more flexible than most other parts of my body, you bring life into the world, give me pleasure, and deal with a stream of traffic without a single breakdown. I’m sorry that I sometimes do stupid things to you.

6. I’m sorry for neglecting (and abusing) you.

The truth is, I never really paid attention when it came to how to look after you. So I’m sorry for those times when I didn’t eat the best diet for your needs, and for not always peeing immediately after sex, and for washing you a little too vigorously at times. I’ve now seen the error of my ways, I promise.

Because the fact is, vagina, you’re the best.

And I promise I’ll never make you sit through a spin class ever again.

What body part do you wish you could apologise to?

Now that you’ve atoned for your vagina crimes, please enjoy ‘What a Girl’s Underwear Means’ courtesy of Jenna Marbles:

Want more? How about these:

Vagina facials, coming soon to a beauty salon near you.

Did you know there’s a correct way to clean your vagina?

Hey, it’s just your typical pirate-themed vagina slide.

Everyday life takes its toll on your vagina. Things like exercise, sex, periods or even stress can affect the vaginal pH levels, potentially throwing it off-balance. That’s when Verona Intimate Daily Wash comes in. Clinically tested, it’s formulated to protect the natural micro­flora of your vagina. So show it some love and keep it balanced with Verona.