Rosie: "Resolutions I probably should have made but didn't because resolutions are stupid and I'm awesome."

At the time of year when people are usually counting the resolutions they’ve already broken, Rosie Waterland ponders the ones she never made.

Yesterday I heard a couple of girls on the bus laughing about already having broken their New Year’s Resolutions. Their conversation revolved around dieting and was thus completely uninteresting to me, so naturally I stopped eavesdropping and started thinking about myself.

“Why didn’t I make any resolutions?” I thought, as a gazed out the window of the 426. “Surely there’s something in my life that could have benefited from a drunken, philosophical inventory of my existence just before midnight on New Year’s Eve.”

I definitely could have taken stock of what needed improving in my life. It’s not like I didn’t have the time – I spent the last night of the year watching TV and getting mad at my neighbours for selfishly having a party without any regard for those of us trying to sleep at 10pm.

So why didn’t I? It was only when the dieting girls who will never be happy got off the bus that it hit me:

Oh. That’s right. I didn’t make any New Year’s Resolutions because New Year’s Resolutions are stupid and I’m already awesome.

January was invented by greeting card companies, specifically designed to make us all feel bad about ourselves. You spend January thinking about all the things you’re doing wrong, and February thinking about all the things that you’re still doing wrong, with the added stench of failure at not having stopped doing any of those things wrong.

IT’S A CONSPIRACY, PEOPLE.

So here’s what I decided this year. I’m 28, and, like an old man’s wardrobe, my life habits are pretty much set in stone. It’s too late to change. How I be now is HOW I BE, damn it. And the sooner we all accept that we’re brilliant without any need for start-of-the-year adjustments, the happier we’ll all be.

In that not-at-all obnoxious spirit, here’s a list of things I could have turned into New Year’s Resolutions, but instead decided to turn into reasons that I’m awesome:

1. Stop saying ‘OMG-Burgers’.

Nah.

During a recent pretty serious conversation about the #libspill (which I only recently learned had nothing to do with the literal spilling of liquid), I dropped the line “OMG-Burgers! Tony Abbott is pretty much finished as PM.” Naturally, anything I say after using the phrase ‘OMG-Burgers’ is dismissed as the rantings of an insufferable Gen-Y monster. But, too bad, too sad. If you judge my entire intelligence based on the fact I’m not embarrassed to have fun with language, then that’s your problem, my friend.

2. Start vacuuming.

No thanks.

The last time my house was vacuumed was when the boyfriend who lived with me for a hot second at the end of last year broke down and did it himself. I honestly think he thought I didn’t even own a vacuum, and when he pulled one out of the abyss that is the storage cupboard in the hall, I was just as shocked about its existence as he was.

3. Find a man.

Mmm… Fuck it.

As I just mentioned, I briefly decided last year that I would try life with a boyfriend for a while. It ended in a spectacular and humiliating way for all involved. But, with the hindsight that comes with listening to Missy Higgins while drunk-crying in my underpants, I realised that I was compromising a lot of myself in that relationship, and being alone and happy is better than coupled-up and unhappy.

4. Start putting the toilet paper on the toilet paper holder.

Don’t think so.

I live life on the edge, people. And nothing can match the thrill that comes with balancing the toilet roll on the edge of the bath, only to catch it right before it falls in and is ruined forever by being wet on one entire side. ADRENALINE RUSH.

5. Stop saying ‘legit’.

Please see Number 1.

6. I will upgrade from the ‘clothes in a pile on the floor system’.

Why would I do this?

This system is tried and tested, and it saves me from having to hang up my clothes, which is a ridiculously tedious thing to do.

7. I will learn to cook.

Nah.

I don’t need to impress myself. Next.

8. I will shave my legs more than once a month.

Why?

My cat likes licking the water that gets stuck to the little hairs in the shower. Also, I always wear tights. Also, I don’t really give a fuck.

9. Stop saying ‘totes’.

Please see Number 1.

10. Stop watching so much TV.

NEVER.

There are 19 current TV shows I have on rotation at any given time, not to mention the binge-watching of past seasons of at least two or three old shows at a time. If you can figure out a way for me to get through all of that without watching so much TV, then please let me know. Until then, don’t bother me, I’ve got a couch to sit on.

11. I will leave the house for occasions other than work on at least a semi-regular basis.

Mmm… Nope.

Why do people insist I need to do more things? Things are overrated. Things are tiring. Things usually involve having to get dressed and/or go in the sun. I hate doing things.

Living life to the fullest is for good-looking young people who go camping in car ads. Just let me nap in peace.