'I desperately want to be there for her.' How to help a friend experiencing domestic violence.

At Mamamia, we have a year-round commitment to highlighting the epidemic of domestic violence in Australia. During May, Domestic Violence Prevention Month, we will not only raise awareness of the personal impact of violence, but do our best to ensure victims have access to help, and encourage those who abuse to take responsibility and seek help for their behaviour.

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine was stuck in an emotionally abusive relationship. Given we were both so young, neither one of us knew what to do. Nor did I know how to help her.

Years down the track, we as a society have a much better understanding of what domestic and family violence is, the impact it can have and the support systems available.

Though from a micro perspective, it can be challenging to know exactly what you as a friend can do to help your loved one when they are in a domestically violent relationship.

Watch Women And Violence: The Hidden Numbers. Post continues below.

The role we all play in ending domestic violence.

Friends, family members, colleagues and the community play a crucial role in identifying abuse and supporting loved ones to safety.

Speaking with Safe and Equal's CEO, Tania Farha, she says: "The important role that loved ones play was especially key during the pandemic. In 2020, during the first rounds of restrictions and lockdowns, family violence services reported a dramatic rise in the number of 'third parties' — friends and family — reaching out about someone they were worried may be in danger."

For context, Safe and Equal is the peak body for specialist family violence services that provide support to victim-survivors in Victoria.

Farha recommends people have a look at the Are You Safe At Home? website. It's designed to break down the fear associated with talking about family violence by providing clear information on how to start a conversation if you're concerned someone you care about is experiencing abuse.

How to help a friend experiencing domestic violence.

Nicolle Edwards is the CEO and Founder of RizeUp, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most.

RizeUp has helped thousands of women and children. With this experience comes first-hand understanding of the challenges survivors face, and some of the practical things loved ones can do to provide support.

1. Know the warning signs. 

Domestic and family violence can manifest in various forms, often characterised by subtle signs that may escalate over time. It's crucial to be aware of behaviours such as physical violence, verbal abuse, emotional manipulation, control tactics, isolation from friends and family, financial exploitation, and intimidation. 

Edwards explains to Mamamia that other indicators may include:

• Unexplained injuries.
• Frequent absences from work or social events.
• Sudden changes in behaviour or personality.
• Attempts to hide bruises or injuries with clothing or makeup.
• Financial difficulty/impaired access to money.
• Control by partner — if someone's partner is always present and seems to be controlling their movements or interactions with others.
• Being guarded or worried when discussing home life. 
• Signs of poor mental health.
• Social isolation from family and friends.
• For colleagues, there might be changes to attendance — arriving late, leaving early, unexplained absence, working longer hours, short notice for time off. 
• There could also be a reduced quality of work, lack of focus, as well as frequent interruptions or harassment at work — phone calls or the partner turning up during the working day.

It's important to note that not all warning signs are indicative of the presence of a violent relationship, as there could be other mitigating factors at play. It's also essential to recognise that domestic violence can affect anyone regardless of gender, age, or socioeconomic status. 

"By staying informed and vigilant, we can better identify and support those who may be experiencing abuse, offering the compassion and resources they need to seek help and safety," says Edwards. 

2. Find a private place to talk.

In order to make your friend comfortable enough to talk openly, it's imperative that the conversation is had in a safe and private space. 

Edwards says to be mindful of your surroundings and ensure no one who could harm them is within earshot. Avoid communicating through text or writing, as the perpetrator could intercept these messages, putting the victim at further risk. 

3. Listen without judgement.

"Express your concern and offer support in a non-judgmental and empathetic manner. Listen attentively and let them know you're there for them," says Edwards.

"Most importantly, believe them. For someone disclosing for the first time, how we respond or react has an overwhelming impact on what they do next."

4. When the time comes, these are some questions you can ask.

According to Are You Safe At Home, these are some good questions you can ask if you are worried that your friend is experiencing domestic violence. But of course remember not to bombard. 

- What can I do to help you?

- How is the behaviour affecting you? How is it affecting your children?

- What do you think you should do?

- What are you afraid of if you leave?

- What are you afraid of if you stay?

As victim-survivor Geraldine Bilston wrote in a recent article for Mamamia, the simple question of 'Are you safe at home?' can also make all the difference. Asking the question may not make a woman decide she's safe to leave. But it will plant a seed in her mind and be the "first step to starting a conversation to end family violence".

5. Recommend some practical support services.

Edwards says: "Encourage them to prioritise their safety and wellbeing above all else. Suggest reaching out to local support services or helplines specialised in handling such situations. Above all, reassure them they're not alone, and that help is available whenever they're ready to seek it."

Some tangible examples include:

• 1800 RESPECT is the national helpline provides confidential support, information and counselling for people experiencing or at risk of experiencing domestic and family violence. They can be reached 24/7 on 1800 737 732.
• Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre provides support and accommodation for women and children experiencing domestic violence in Victoria. Their confidential helpline operates 24/7 on 1800 015 188.
• Domestic Violence Crisis Service offers crisis support and accommodation for people experiencing domestic violence in the Australian Capital Territory (ACT). Their crisis line is available 24/7 on (02) 6280 0900.
• Domestic Violence Line is operated by the NSW Government, and offers counselling, information, and referrals for people experiencing or witnessing domestic violence in New South Wales. They can be reached 24/7 on 1800 656 463.
• DVConnect is a Queensland-based service provides crisis support and accommodation for people experiencing domestic violence. Their helpline operates 24/7 on 1800 811 811.

Each of these services offers support, information, and referrals to individuals experiencing domestic or family violence and to their friends and family members seeking guidance on how to support their loved ones.

The Are You Safe At Home website service directory is also handy, showing you what services are readily available depending on where you live in Australia.

6. Be patient. 

When victims perceive judgment, they may feel ashamed, blamed, or misunderstood, leading them to withdraw further into isolation and silence. We, as supportive friends, want to make sure we foster an environment of trust, validation and empowerment.

"It's crucial to understand that supporting a friend experiencing domestic or family violence requires a delicate balance of care and respect for their autonomy. While our worry and concern may be overwhelming, we must never replicate perpetrator behaviour by trying to control what they do next or how they do it," says Edwards.

The key is to allow your friend the agency to make decisions that are best for them, and their children if they have any.

"The process of leaving a violent partner is arduous. It can involve extreme risk, so it's vital not to give up on your friend. Please don't walk away because that is precisely what the perpetrator will hope for in their quest to isolate their victim socially. Instead, continue offering unwavering support, understanding, and resources, empowering your friend to take steps toward safety and healing when ready."

7. Look after yourself too.

Domestic and family violence has a ripple effect. It impacts countless families across this country, and it's an epidemic our government needs to do far more to address.

If you're feeling overwhelmed about a loved one's predicament, that is completely normal, given the circumstances.

As Edwards adds: "Remember that being an active bystander can be emotionally challenging, and having guidance on navigating these situations can be immensely helpful. It's crucial for friends supporting someone experiencing domestic or family violence to seek support for themselves."

Checking in regularly, offering practical support and remaining patient and understanding can make all the difference in someone's journey to safety. But of course always remember that your safety and your friend's safety is paramount too, so if someone is in serious danger call emergency services.

If this post brings up any issues for you, or if you just feel like you need to speak to someone, please call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732) – the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. 

Mamamia is a charity partner of RizeUp Australia, a national organisation that helps women, children and families move on after the devastation of domestic and family violence. Their mission is to deliver life-changing and practical support to these families when they need it most. If you would like to support their mission you can donate here. 

Feature Image: Canva/Mamamia.